Story time with Robert: “I dreamed him last night.”

I really do not know why he suddenly came to mind. Maybe it was the coffee date with my friend that I recently had and they asked me about him.

You see, I have not spoken to him in nearly seven months. The last time I heard from him, he could not talk to me. Time sure does fly by quickly.

The dream was about the life I would have had, if I had accepted either of his marriage proposals.

However, you see, I declined them all.

In my dream, he and I lived in a 2 bedroom home in the suburb. Possibly close to where I live now, or maybe equidistant to where his mother lives and where I live now. In my dream, he was officially retired but was going back to work (I do not know, he just was). In my dream, we were just another typical couple, doing whatever mundane things couples do.

The funny thing is that within my dream, we traveled and we were sincerely in love. I just can’t explain how you can wake up and feel totally in love with a person?! Please do not tell me that perhaps I was never out of love with him because I do not believe that I was ever in love.

Dreams have a way of seeming as if they are real. Although only a dream, perhaps a part of me would like it to be real. Perhaps it is because some part of me longs to have that type of relationship and not necessarily with him.

Why does the mind try and trick us!?!

So who saves the hero, in the end?

Every one deals with loss quite differently. For me, it was definitely different.

Previously, I wrote about what life would be like should my father pass away. Sadly, this reality came to be. My father recently passed, and while we are all still trying to salvage what was lost. It has only been weeks since this came to be.

Some aspects of this process were wholeheartedly disillusioning. Friends who under other circumstances would have been like family, failed to show their faces; whereas, others, I did not even want around me during this time. This was a heartbreaking process for me because (blinded by my grief) I could not think of anyone to call on for a warm embrace or a helping hand, or simply to be a pillar of support. Those who were aware and tried to be there for me, I didn’t want around me because in that moment, I wouldn’t have been able to compose myself and I felt as though I would have to be strong for them, too. During this time, I just did not know how to be strong.

Then there were friends who did know what was going on and failed to show up. They failed me, in the sense that they would send a text offering condolences but they were nowhere to be found.

Maybe I was not right in my head but in that moment a text to say you was sorry for my loss is not what I needed. I needed an embrace. I needed to know that everything would be all right. However, it just seems like this was too high of an expectation.

Sadly, while this was my reality, it was not my sister’s reality. My sister’s friends were with us in our grief. They helped to feed us when we were not hungry and they came by to help clean up the place. In the past, I never thought of my sister’s friends as friends of mine or even friends of the family; it just felt like in that moment, they were no longer her friends, now they were our family.

They say that you know what people are made of in times of trouble and times of joy. The people I called friends, were only there for times of joy and in my trouble, they were not available.

This one person called me to say, “I know what you’re going through, my mother’s friends’ friend, recently passed away.” When I asked, “how close was that person to you?” His response was, “oh I never met them.” And I wondered, then how do you know what I am going through? You have no idea what it is to lose your parent but in that moment, I held my tears, thanked him for his condolences, and ended the phone call.

This is why I could not speak to anyone about this situation because talking to friends about it would only make me upset. In that moment, I did/do not want to hear about your grief. I did/do not want to know that you lost your parent 10, 5, or even 3 years ago, and how you are still not over it. Much less, how it does not get easier. All of this is brand new to me and surely, I will manage to cope with my loss.

So, it has not been an entire month since his passing and we (as a family) are learning every day to cope with his absence. I have only told a handful of people because I needed to get it out of my system and tell someone. I needed to connect with people and let them know about my bereavement. And while I am a strong person, I just needed a moment to collapse.

My only question is, “Who’s there to save the hero?”

Planning a trip!

I have always dreamed that I would meet the love of my life in a foreign place and it has always been my objective to discover new places.

You see, ever since I was a little boy, Spain has seemed like it was my home. Unbeknownst to me at the time, but my heritage was Spanish. It was not until I inquired about where my parents were born, or how they came to be, that I was told what my ethnicity was, and why my eyes are the color, they are.

For the longest time, I had the recurring dream that I would meet “my love” during my travels. And in this dream. It was never truly clear of the “how” or the “where.” Those details always seemed to escape me.  But one thing was always certain, that I would need him and it would feel kismet, because finally I was reunited with him and my heart instantly recognized him without knowing his name.

As I sit here, planning the details of my trip, I begin to wonder if those boyhood dreams would materialize?!  

I guess, it was never really my objective to seek him out. But I look to stranger’s faces and ask myself, would I instantly recognize him? Part of the reason why I fell in love with strangers all too easily.

Too many years have passed by, and many failed attempts to plan this trip. Finally, it can be made possible and I look forward to the experience.  

Story time with Robert, "curiosity? or morbidity?"

With so much going on in the world. I have to believe that there is genuine concern for our fellow men.  As an Idealist romantic, I want to believe that there is good in the world and that all the evil that surrounds us, is only temporary.

Recently, I have taken to traveling for business. It is okay, I suppose.  Personally, I do not care for flying; it is very expensive and such a hassle at times.  As a person who enjoys “people-watching,” I am exposed to many circumstances that deflate my social idealism.  

Recently, at the cusp of the Christmas holiday, I was at the terminal awaiting my flight. Of course, I get there early to avoid the rush and time delays of waiting in queues.  As a lone traveler, I tend to keep to myself. However, I noticed an acrobatic couple practicing, what look like their routines or maybe just doing stretching exercises.  This is when the person balancing himself on his partner’s legs lost his balance and fell backwards, hitting the back of his head on the metal railing off the window.  This of course made a loud noise. While some people lifted their heads, and some even ran towards the person to see if he was ok. At this moment, his partner yells out for assistance as the person is bleeding.  

Admittedly, I was definitely concerned and torn between rushing to provide assistance, and staying behind so that I was not in the way, but I see others getting to the couple much quicker than I do. Therefore, I simply stay in my seat saying a quick prayer so that the person who was hurt was okay and not seriously hurt.

Nevertheless, as I sat there looking at the commotion and seeing an influx of people coming over to see what happened out of morbid curiosity.  I found myself completely disgusted by these people.  A couple and their teenage son, come over and literally hover over the couple on the floor trying to suppress the bleeding while waiting for emergency response. I see the EMT’s rushing over and having to push these very people of out the way to get to the person on the floor.

It sickened me to think that people are so morbid that they would stand over a bleeding person and not offer any assistance.  Almost like killing prey and watching it die. (I realize that the analogy is not the same but it feels like it applies.)

Shortly after the person was taken to a different site to be cleaned up, facilities came by to clean the area and disinfect the bloodied spots on the carpets. You would not believe that another family came by and sat down on the floor next to the bloodied carpet stains, while the “wet floor” signs were still posted.

These acts make me loose hope for humanity. Like, seriously, where is your compassion?

Story time with Robert, “Sorry, can’t talk right now…”

Over since his birthday earlier in the month. He has not stopped calling or texting me.  We started up again. He even hinted at the proposal that took place a year ago. He wants it more than anything and said that he is getting tired of being rejected. 

You see, it is not my intention to reject him.

Him: “I wish that you would love me, like I love you”

Me: “How can you say that? I do love you… but you are not ready for me to show you how much. If I did show you, you’d feel overwhelmed by my love and would want nothing else but to escape it.”

He took this as a challenge. He wanted to prove me wrong. That he would not be overwhelmed.

The holidays are always rough on all of us. I am in the middle of relocating. I have dedicated my efforts to looking for employment outside of California. The results are evident. I have gotten callbacks and requests to interview like you would not believe.

However, in a late night conversation with him, I decided to let him know that I have been traveling for these interviews and am just awaiting for a job offer and that I would accept it without question. His disappointment infuriated him, he asked, how dared I leave him? 

How dare I? I think, how can he ask me this question. He never included me in his 10-year plan… (I know, I asked for a 10-year plan, lol) but his plan was to work until 55 and travel with his mother (who is ill) until 60.  Never in this plan, did he say, maintain a relationship with a person, travel with my mother and my partner… no mention of involving another person (i.e., me.). So why does he ask why I did not include him in my plans to relocate?

After I told him this, he called me every night and we would be on the phone over 2 hours each night. 2 days ago, he told me how one of his co-workers expressed an infatuation with him. In addition, asked for advice on how to let her down gently.  His focus was on a resolve that would allow him to continue being Mr. Nice Guy. I told him that, “of all the people who have rejected me (or my advances) I have never thought of them as Mr. Nice guy… in my book, they’re the asshole who rejected me…” and I told him that he should expect this. However, the conversation kept circling back to him being portrayed as Mr. Nice Guy.

Finally, I told him, “I don’t think of you as Mr. Nice Guy, why do you care so much that she thinks of you this way?” well that must have upset him. Because he then asked me questions as to when I stopped thinking of him in this way.  He said that in my examples, it was obvious that I did something to make him react in not-so-nice way.  

My retort of course did not help any… I said, “I recognize the flaws in your character and I don’t hold it against you… surely, you must know this.” However, he did not take my comments lightly.  He abruptly excused himself and said that he must end the call… responses to my text messages have been very curt. Moreover, after several text messages from me to him, he responds, “sorry, can’t talk right now. Ttyl.”

I need to know where I stand with people. I simply need to know for my safety, my security… This way, I know how much I should get involved and where my limitations lie.  Emotional outburst like his, only make me want to keep my distance… so when he decides to text me or call me back… I already have an automatic message reply, “Sorry, Can’t talk right now, ttyl.”

A Visit Cross-Country

Right before the thanksgiving holiday, I made my way, for the very first time, to New York City. This trek was planned to visit my friends who live out there.  While the visit itself was plagued by momentary lapses in extreme situations, like possibly getting into altercations. From shouting matches with total strangers to threats of physical violence.  Yes, it all happened during my trip to the big apple.  

Yes, you constantly hear that New Yorkers are rude and such. Rightly, they are just trying to survive without having tourists block their direction.  In this sense, I can sympathize.  But there is a medium, I think.

Check this out. During my stay in a pseudo-ritzy hotel in the Upper West side, I was meeting with my friends in the hotel lobby bar.  As the last person joined our group, we ordered drinks and introduced my friends to each other.  While, I admit, we were a bit loud, apparently we were too loud for the ambience because we were quickly “shh’d” by another patron.  At first, the majority of our group did not hear this, so we continued with a second round and continued catching up while trying to plan the rest of our evening.  At this point, we were “shhh’d” yet again.  This is when we all heard the complaint; this is also when one of my friends retorted back to this patron “that if she wanted a quiet evening, she should have gone to a fucking library.”  The shouting continued for what seemed a good 30 seconds.  I asked for the bill, completely embarrassed and concerned for the outcome of this event. The reality is that you never know how crazy people are anymore.  At this point, you cannot discount age.  As I said, I asked for the bill, we were comp’d drinks and told that we didn’t have to leave.  I was not comfortable there anymore. Therefore, we left.

We arrived at the bar early, and so essentially, the bar was barely filling up, which means that nobody was dancing.  The music was okay. Based on the music, I could not really tell what demographic the bar was catering to, as the dj was playing a lot of disco.  My good friend, D and I took to the dance floor and made the best of the evening.  Of course we were dancing on the stage, there was hardly any one there, much less dancing.  As we are getting our groove on, a little boy steps up to me and pushes me with all of their strength. A bit disconcerted by this, I asked, “what are you doing?” the boy says nothing but continues.  Rather loudly, I proclaimed, “if you don’t stop touching me, little boy, I will fucken deck you. You don’t know me!” to which the reply was, “I am a girl, not a boy.” She turns and appears to be upset. I then asked her for a reason for why she was pushing me.  She awkwardly says to me that she wanted to dance. Perplexed I hugged her and said sure why not. Albeit, this was the first time that “someone” wanting to dance with me, uses their body weight to gain my attention.

In Hindsight, these were just random events. But thankfully, I was there with “locals” who do not hesitate and bark right back. 

Otherwise, my stay was rather pleasant. I certainly enjoyed my trip, so much so, that I booked another trip at the end of winter.  I look forward to different experiences this time!

This time I am staying at a hella-ritzy hotel on the Upper East. I certainly expect better.  It’s three months away and I am considering asking a former boyfriend to join me.  It is not going to be a “Robert pays for everything” kind of trip but having him there would soften the blow of paying over 1K for a room.  At this point, I am inviting all friends to see who can commit and actually join me.  The company will definitely be well received.

SCREAM! Unauthorized Parody

It seems like forever ago since I was around people.  Okay, that is quite an exaggeration but let us be clear. It certainly has been a while since I have hung out with people my age, who I relate to, who share similar values.

Tonight, friends and I went to see the Unauthorized Parody of Scream, currently at the Rockwell.  Live performances are always near and dear to my heart. I feel like as thought I am connected to a stage (perhaps in a past live); but my affinity to live theatre is very strong.  Those who are close to my also share a passion for performances.

This is not a formal review. Nevertheless, I will say that the Rockwell is gaining a reputation for hosting well-produced live entertainment.  You always see interesting people. Moreover, the renditions of the songs that are covered are awe-inspiring.  I can easily recall moments listening to “When Doves Cry” as part of the For the Record series. Similarly, last night, when a performer sang Creep; some of these versions are eerily perfect!

If you are in the Los Angeles area and wish to see wonderful performers (some renowned performers); you should definitely check out the Rockwell.

Moreover, tonight gave me the opportunity to see familiar faces and spend a bit of quality time with them.  I live for moments like tonight. Where I can disconnect from the world around me and submerge myself in conversation and theatre, two of my favorite passions. 

Sex & Love

Tonight was amazing.  A night out with friends. A concert that was pretty awesome. 

It was all a long time coming.  Months before, I was asked to look into a concert, not knowing that I would be planning a group outing. However, those are minor details in the grand scheme of things.

I decided a while ago that as part of my socializing, I would make extra time for good friends and move away from those friendships that do not serve any real purpose.

In reality, I have a hard time allowing people into my circle because I have eclectic taste and the type of people that I tend to encounter seem to be those who hold extreme viewpoints about everything.

But I digress. Tonight was about going to see a concert with wonderful friends in tow. We saw Enrique Iglesias’s Sex and Love tour with Pitbull.

These two are excellent entertainers. We all had a great time. We danced. I sang (at the top of my lungs, may I add). We took pictures. Above all, we stayed present in the moment.

If you’d allow the tangent. Lately, I feel that culturally, we are not living in the moment. We’re constantly looking for the next high; looking for the next big thing. We come, we take pictures or video. And then we move on. Ultimately, it’s not about taking a hundred thousand pictures at an event and calling it a night. We lose sight of it all. We’re not present in our daily lives. So the next time you reach to your phone to take yet another picture, think, soak it all in, and if you’re still inspired to take that picture. Do it. But stay grounded in that moment, not what’s behind that lens.