Story time with Robert: “I dreamed him last night.”

I really do not know why he suddenly came to mind. Maybe it was the coffee date with my friend that I recently had and they asked me about him.

You see, I have not spoken to him in nearly seven months. The last time I heard from him, he could not talk to me. Time sure does fly by quickly.

The dream was about the life I would have had, if I had accepted either of his marriage proposals.

However, you see, I declined them all.

In my dream, he and I lived in a 2 bedroom home in the suburb. Possibly close to where I live now, or maybe equidistant to where his mother lives and where I live now. In my dream, he was officially retired but was going back to work (I do not know, he just was). In my dream, we were just another typical couple, doing whatever mundane things couples do.

The funny thing is that within my dream, we traveled and we were sincerely in love. I just can’t explain how you can wake up and feel totally in love with a person?! Please do not tell me that perhaps I was never out of love with him because I do not believe that I was ever in love.

Dreams have a way of seeming as if they are real. Although only a dream, perhaps a part of me would like it to be real. Perhaps it is because some part of me longs to have that type of relationship and not necessarily with him.

Why does the mind try and trick us!?!

So who saves the hero, in the end?

Every one deals with loss quite differently. For me, it was definitely different.

Previously, I wrote about what life would be like should my father pass away. Sadly, this reality came to be. My father recently passed, and while we are all still trying to salvage what was lost. It has only been weeks since this came to be.

Some aspects of this process were wholeheartedly disillusioning. Friends who under other circumstances would have been like family, failed to show their faces; whereas, others, I did not even want around me during this time. This was a heartbreaking process for me because (blinded by my grief) I could not think of anyone to call on for a warm embrace or a helping hand, or simply to be a pillar of support. Those who were aware and tried to be there for me, I didn’t want around me because in that moment, I wouldn’t have been able to compose myself and I felt as though I would have to be strong for them, too. During this time, I just did not know how to be strong.

Then there were friends who did know what was going on and failed to show up. They failed me, in the sense that they would send a text offering condolences but they were nowhere to be found.

Maybe I was not right in my head but in that moment a text to say you was sorry for my loss is not what I needed. I needed an embrace. I needed to know that everything would be all right. However, it just seems like this was too high of an expectation.

Sadly, while this was my reality, it was not my sister’s reality. My sister’s friends were with us in our grief. They helped to feed us when we were not hungry and they came by to help clean up the place. In the past, I never thought of my sister’s friends as friends of mine or even friends of the family; it just felt like in that moment, they were no longer her friends, now they were our family.

They say that you know what people are made of in times of trouble and times of joy. The people I called friends, were only there for times of joy and in my trouble, they were not available.

This one person called me to say, “I know what you’re going through, my mother’s friends’ friend, recently passed away.” When I asked, “how close was that person to you?” His response was, “oh I never met them.” And I wondered, then how do you know what I am going through? You have no idea what it is to lose your parent but in that moment, I held my tears, thanked him for his condolences, and ended the phone call.

This is why I could not speak to anyone about this situation because talking to friends about it would only make me upset. In that moment, I did/do not want to hear about your grief. I did/do not want to know that you lost your parent 10, 5, or even 3 years ago, and how you are still not over it. Much less, how it does not get easier. All of this is brand new to me and surely, I will manage to cope with my loss.

So, it has not been an entire month since his passing and we (as a family) are learning every day to cope with his absence. I have only told a handful of people because I needed to get it out of my system and tell someone. I needed to connect with people and let them know about my bereavement. And while I am a strong person, I just needed a moment to collapse.

My only question is, “Who’s there to save the hero?”

I used to call her friend...

I do not know why I decided to do a name search for her... It has been so many years that I have put it behind me. I put all those unresolved issues far behind... where I would not be predisposed to stumble upon it. 

Nevertheless, you see... It was never my intention to look her up. It happened when my mind decided to play a trick on me and brought up a feeling that I once felt, long ago in the land of far away. 

I used to call her friend. She was such a big part of me that I could not muster the thought to do something without her. There is medical terminology for the type of relationship we had... it is called "co-dependent." Well, during our best of times, that is what our relationship was reduced to, co-dependency. However, towards the end, our relationship was virtually non-existent. I hated coming home because a part of me knew that she would be there. Therefore, I would rush home and run to my room and locked the door.  I really do not know what it was that made our friendship morph into something other than that. 

It has been many years since I locked out every part of her that remained. However, when I tell the story of my youth, I find that I have to edit her involvement in my story.  I do not hate her, not one bit. It just hurts me that our ending was so ugly. It had to be done. All things that begin must end.  The reality is that I stopped serving her purpose and she stopped serving mine. The only reason why we continued was that it was habit.  Living together made it harder to walk away.

Let us be clear. It is not my intention to depict a horrible friendship. However, like I said, we stopped serving each other’s purpose and we went our separate ways.

So eight years later, the name of her business came to mind and I wondered if she ever launched her business. This made me curious to look it up.  However, the name of her pseudo-business did not bring up any successful matches; I decided to look up her name.  

This brought up an article of her immigrant story on a social project blogspot. The entry was a few years old.

While, I do not miss her, I sincerely wish her a good life and continued blessings.

Respectfully,

Robert

That was then...

I never understood why he could not say what it was that he felt for me.

maybe I couldn't stand to know the truth.

He always promised me the world, he just couldn't deliver most times.

The reality is that I wanted him more than he wanted me.

The facts are, he could never commit.

I am a realist. I know that perhaps he just didn't want to committ to me
and I am okay with that.

What I am not okay with, is him insisting that I waste my time.

He didn't want me and he didn't want anyone else to have me either.

So that was two years of my time. 2 whole years I wasted on someone who had no intention to keep me.

Lesson Learned.

Portrait of a Family.

Have you ever simply woken up from slumber with the most horrid thought in your head?

So horrid in fact, that the mere thought of it all, perturbs your day?!!

This morning, I found myself, somewhere between dream and reality when the thought of losing my father came to me.  Although somewhere along our lives, we switched roles. He is now like my child, and I am the protector.  It is he, who comes to me to make the family decisions.  It is he, who needs to be protected from the outside world, and sometimes from the inside too. Not having lived the life I would have wanted for myself. From an early age, I felt I needed to assume a role I did not want.  Nonetheless, I faced the world with a brave face, or as brave as I knew how to be, at the time.

At this point in my life, after having overcome some struggles, the thought of losing a parent scares me.  Even though, I am aware that loss is inevitable, and I know that both of my parents have complicated health. The real fear is not in losing a parent. The fear is in losing my family.

See, we come from a rather small family, just one sister and one cousin.  My father’s side of 
the family is getting older now and I see the candle of their life flickering. My mother’s side of the family is virtually non-existent; she has three sisters who bore no children. My parents have been married for 35 years. So many years that they have lived together and they have never been apart. If I were to lose my father first, I know in my heart that my mother could overcome it because she is strong. However, with the loss of my mother, I know that my dad would give into his ailments and die.

What then?

While, I still have my youth, I certainly do not have the stamina to continue doing what people my age do. Do I focus on my career? Do I give up? Do I create a new family? Should I fall in love? There are just too
many questions with no real answers.

The type of relationship that I have with my sister is not very conventional. Truly, it feels like we have been strangers who come together for short periods and we are forced to be in the same room. Now, do not get me wrong! We get along great when we do not annoy each other but with her anger management problem, getting along is a rare moment.  In essence, we do not have the type of relationship that would make either of us put in any effort. Mother always asked me to be the bigger person and simply ignore her grievances, even though I have the scars that could never let me do just that. I cannot imagine my sister reaching out to me after the loss of both my parents.

Which brings me to the point, what will I do when my parents are gone, with no family to look after?  Losing a parent is never easy. I have been a witness to friends who have lost their parents and years later, still mourn their loss. I cannot imagine it getting any easier the older I get.

So now, you see why this thought awoke me from my slumber?!

Just a thought

Some days, when the rain pours hard enough, I feel my worries wash away.

Some nights, when sleep is hard to come by, I count my blessings so many times, until I am reassured that I have more blessings than woes. 

It is often so easy to be blinded to one's own blessings. We only see what is right in front of us, never seeing past the moment. Always aware, I look to see what the day might send just around the river-bend for me. 

Friendship Rings

This weekend, while working at my side job, a long time work friend approached me.

See, we have been working together for what seems like the longest time, nearly seven years. He and I have always had this off-the-wall relationship. We constantly flirt with each other. However, for various reasons, I have never taken him seriously with any of the things that he says to me. And so, because of this, we have gone through our phases of heated sexual-chemistry to cold nonchalant interactions.  

He makes public declarations to other work associates about how he is attracted to me. Further, he tells my boss all the time how he wants me to go over to his place of residence or how he wants to have a better relationship with me. 

I never know how to reply to these declarations because he never vocalizes these declarations to me in private. The reality is that the only declarations he tells me privately are how he wants to engage in a sexual relationship with me. I feel as though, because we work together, I would never engage in just a sexual relationship. I can only imagine how people at work will publicly criticize my character for allowing this to be made public.

So as we sit there, diagonally, across from each other. (I wear a ring on my right hand, with small diamonds encircling the ring, it's less than 1ct.) He sees my ring, shining in the light of the overhead lamp and says to me, "when am I going to get a ring just like yours?" as I looked up to his bright blue eyes, perplexed, I asked, "excuse me?!"

He again says to me that he wants a ring similar to mine. As I calculate my reaction, I simply smile and say that I could never give him a ring like mine because people often confuse it for a wedding band.

He says, "it's okay, we'll just tell people that it is a friendship ring."

Now, it has never occurred to me to have friendship rings with someone other than my best friends. It's really a hard concept for me to grasp; so as I sit there across from this man, I begin to think of how a ring will change the dynamic of our pseudo-relationship. Is this something that I could be prepared for?

Further, my heart tells me that his requests for a ring does not tell me of his true feelings for me. His request for a ring from me, is a materialistic requests for me to buy him something of worth. Which is why I hesitate. I smiled, and simplistically say...."maybe, when we're official."

Is the world still turning round?

Because the age old question is continuously asked, I presume that yes, the world is still turning on its axis.

I have a friend (well maybe no longer a friend...) but someone in my life that I used to share and confide in. Close to a best friend as a work relationship would allow, I guess. Yes, we worked together. We'd spent our lunches together and have happy hour Tuesdays and Theatre Wednesdays. We'd spend the weekends together on random excursions. We'd even travel together. Share beds and the warmth of the covers. See, we were pretty close indeed.

We had plenty of things in common... and then we didn't. We haven't spoken in nearly seven months. We both have strong personalities and maybe that was the detriment of our bond. 

This morning, on my drive to the office. I realized that a part of me misses her. I miss her for the company mostly. We would go to the theatre often. We'd go to beauty expo's and really anything, just for shits and giggles. We would eat at random places just for the sake of being adventurous. And while, she has not taken anything away from me. I am still free to do all the things that we did in each other's company. However, I don't believe that I have many friends who have the resources and the patience to do the many things that my friend and I would set out to do. 

I secretly wish (maybe not so secret, after all) that I had friends who could easily pack up and travel on a whim, just for the sake of getting out of town.  I know spending a Saturday at the museum doesn't sound too appealing to many people out there... but it's always an adventure for me. 

The travel expo is coming up, here in Los Angeles. To simply grab the friends and say "lets go get some ideas of what adventures (or trouble) we can get into. We don't have to leave next week, or the week after. But let's plan it and make the reservations... Why is this so hard? 

I'm not a scrooge, I swear!

Today is the 27th of December, and the main holiday "Christmas" is over and done with. While I secretly love the holidays, it becomes harder to actually voice my excitement for Christmas. 

The one thing about the holidays that I absolutely abhor is that people overlook the real meaning of Christmas. It is a time for rejoicing over our blessings and being thankful for sharing the company of loved ones. It is about charity and good will toward men (yes, like strangers and stuff). This often gets overshadowed by greed. I don't understand that logic behind spending massive amounts of time at the mall and purchasing gifts for people who are simply going to return these gifts for something better. I grew up believing that there was a purpose behind each gift. The thought behind the gift is what matters. However, I have personally witnessed persons calculate how many gifts to return to get something else or even request gift cards. See, this to me is what is wrong with the whole Christmas season. I know several retail store clerks who physically dread the after Christmas returns and issuing store credit. Again, This is why I abhor the holidays. No one ever thinks of the good deeds we must do for those less fortunate. 

During these times, I tend to simply not celebrate it. When hearing people complain about the holidays. I mention other religions as options to explore. I mean, really! there are a number of religious organizations that do not celebrate Christmas. For one, I refuse to buy presents for ingrates and rather start giving out boxes of coal. I think people need to start getting a reality check. 

Don't get me wrong. I am not a scrooge. I wholeheartedly believe in the sentiment of the holiday season. When my loved ones have time to spare, I share in their company. I like to treat my friends individually for a dinner date or quality time. Again, if they so choose to spend the time with me. I am a single male with a relatively small family. 90% of my friends are partnered up or have huge families who absorb their time. I understand when these friends simply can't make it. 

I am looking forward when my loved ones stop being ingrates and simply celebrate the Christmas holiday with good will and charity in their hearts. Only then, I can rekindle the flame of the holidays in my heart. 

Misery loves Company

Misery loves company. Yes, we know this. 

He recently reached out to me, asking for my home address. Says he wants to send a traditional Christmas card. I haven't responded to him yet. Don't believe that I will. 

A running theme with me is "strange love." He was the strangest love that I have known. 

Although, I can't begin to quantify my love for him. I must admit that I cared a great deal for his well-being. Surely, that must mean something!? 

The story of Us was short. He tried feeding me his insecurities. I refused. I have always  considered myself to be a complete person, never looking for my "other half." I want another complete person, so that we can accompany each other on this journey. Like myself, he was greatly flawed but it seemed as thou we complemented each other. 

it was when he yelled at me that I could no longer take it. accusing me of faltering, when I never did. in retrospect, it was his insecurities that warped his perception. He saw a reality that was not complete. 

That night was when I said my goodbye forever. 

But he persisted. Coming in and out of my life over the last few years. 

Thinking I could befriend an ex-lover. I was wrong.

I have never been one to befriend a lover. I don't get that concept. If I don't want to be with you romantically, what makes anyone think that we can be friends? I obviously don't like a certain part of you to want to spend time with you otherwise. 

For whatever reason, my exes want to continue to be friends. again, I don't get it.  <hairflip>

On The Verge...

On the verge of saying "Fuck it All." 

It is not my intent to send mixed signals to the universe. They say, "it is what you seek, that most evades you." Well yes, I seek so many things that I could never find. 

and so, I am at a fork in the road. While I see friends and loved ones who effortlessly find what I seek, bitterly, I extend my congratulatory praise. I don't mean to diminish their glow for their newly found treasures. But I hold to my faith and wish for the same mercy. I, too, wish to find my treasure.

So sure, not everyone's path is the same and I understand this, but can I get a break, really! 

Professionally and academically,  I have garnered many successes. Although, this is not mirrored in my personal life.The sad reality is that, the loved ones in whom I've been witness to their found treasures, do not have professional successes or even academic merits. Although that statement has no value, it is intended to justify my accomplishments. 

Change is difficult. 

So many times, have I wanted to start the ball rolling, this task has been more than a feat. 

I have wanted to make the changes necessary in my life but the unfamiliarity of it all, makes me hesitate. 

How I admire those who can easily pick up their belongings and transplant themselves to other locations. 

So many times, I wanted to take that train to a distant city and assimilate my life to theirs, but the fear of it all leaves me frozen. 

Did he just say what I think I heard him say?

Sometimes, people are ignorant beyond measure. Sometimes, people are just bullies.

They say things to rile people and get under their skin.

On a high from a week long vacation, I arrived Friday morning and instead of staying home, I decided to go out and dance the night away with my favorite party buddy.

We arrived at my favorite establishment in the city of Long Beach, CA and headed upstairs to meet and say hi to my favorite bartender. He served our drinks and we continued towards a seating area overlooking the dance floor.

After realizing that my bartender was not on his game, as the drinks were relatively weak and not very flavorful either, we downed our drinks and headed back to him, in the hopes that his technique would improve, but to no avail. Again, my party buddy and I downed our drinks and headed to another bar downstairs to the second favorite bartender, a total hottie, who makes drinks especially strong.

While bantering with the bartender (in the downstairs bar) and taking shots with him and him preparing our drinks, a random stranger approaches us and wants to chat. After a brief conversation, he takes a seat next to me. He explains to me how he is 90 percent "hetero" and when he is highly intoxicated, he enjoys making out with guys but that he's never slept with another guy. I mockingly said, "oh how sweet, this straight boy is waiting for Mr. Right to sweep him off his feet and fuck the living shit out of him."

Fast forward an hour later, that same dude comes up to me on the dance floor and tries to dance with me and then he gravitated towards another guy on the dance floor.  I didn't think much of it because men are fickle this way.

I should note that because of inclement weather, I was wearing a light cardigan sweater. During the course of  dancing, I took off my sweater so that I was more comfortable and laid it on a booth where I was resting my drink.

This guy comes back around and (I believe that in his drunken stupor) comes to stand in front of the area where my drink and sweater were placed. Because you can never be safe with strangers around your drink. I inched closer to my drink and moved it out of his reach. He grabs my cardigan sweater from its resting spot and he was trying to make sense of the material. I moved towards him and said, "Yo, that's my sweater" and took it from his grasp. He turns to me and says, "are you sure that's your sweater?" I replied, "yes!" and he says to me, "that's too small for you...you need a larger size."

I said to him, "bless your heart, thanks and I wish you well."

I was stunned that someone, so rudely, would say a horrid thing like that.

I know I should pay no mind to ignorance in any way, shape, or form, but this guy takes the cake.

Desperately seeking him...

I'm here and you are not.

I miss you.

I want to run into the middle of the streets and scream out your name,but I know that I could never find you.

I wanted to kiss him...

Friday Night.

More than enough reasons to celebrate. The end of a long week. Pay day. A friend's birthday festivities. 

After having dinner in the company of wonderful people. It was intended that I finish the night in Long Beach. I was accompanied by a party buddy (PB). After the pre-game and binging at the bar, we came across my friend, whose birthday we were celebrating. 

He was accompanied by many people, at least 10 other individuals. After the customary introductions, my PB and I settled and started dancing. While my PB and I danced, PB was busy checking out the individuals accompanying my friend. He was sizing them up and plotting a move on the hottest one of all. So this plan was unsuccessful because the hottest one there, left early with his boyfriend. PB was slightly disappointed, but as they say "on to the next." 

In the group, there was a boy, who was not attractive by conventional standards, but still rather "fuckable." Whether it was the alcohol talking or pure animalistic desire. I set out to make a move. I inched my way closer and made myself approachable for him but the hungry voltures were on the move, a lot faster than myself. In a blink of an eye, a short troll was already grinding on this guy. Since my motto is, "Thou shall not block the cock," I took a step back and let the troll proceed, occasionally yelling out, "get it girl, get it!!"

Since the troll was highly intoxicated, he was escorted off the dance floor fairly quickly. 

I, again, inched my way closer. getting his attention and having him fixate on the sway of my hips, back and forth, back and forth. PB gets between the two of us and before you knew it, I was party of one on the dance floor. 

Not one to compete against my PB, I took the hint and sat my happy ass down. The PB, obviously oblivious to our mating dance and I knew that PB was thirsty that night, I was over it. While I sat and drank my drink, I gleaned over the far distance to see security trying to move my friend, the birthday boy, and remove him from the club. 

Curious to know what was happening, I realized that my friend was virtually immobile from the alcohol, perhaps blacked out? All the while, security was trying to get him to leave the bar. 

As I turn to reach out to PB, I see him making out with the dude I was attracted to and while I was disappointed (not in them making out), but in that my party buddy/ friend was  after a guy i expressed interest in and he expressed NON-interest in the same guy. 

Whatever, #OverIt. 

but I thought, who does that? what kind of a friend would go after someone in whom you've expressed interest in? 

So the night is over. I walk out with my (drunken) friend and decide to take him back to the hotel where he decided to stay. 

I managed to sober up fairly quickly, but I come back to the scene of the crime to try and find the PB, so that we can go home and end this sordid night. 

I found him... and he was looking for the boy. Apparently, the boy left my friend in search of someone else. He was pretty popular that night, obviously making his rounds. 

Thank Goodness that it didn't work out for me. 

Guilt.

Sometimes, I feel so guilty to even want to seek him out. When he was in the picture, he did a lot of harm. Never satisfied with what he had in front of him, he was always looking for something better. I learned lessons with him being here that I would not have learned otherwise. I learned to be strong, to be independent. I learned to never accept less than what I deserve.

With all of that said, I can't help but miss him. And so I realize that its complete and utter torture, knowing that both he and I are better off with keeping him at a distance.

Just last night, on my way home from a night out, I realized that I have his number, I sent him a simple message... "Hello."

To my surprise, he replied instantly, "I miss you."

Love and I

Sometimes I think of my love life and begin to think that Love and I have not been the greatest of friends.

In the words of this song, "I want to love again."

It is interesting to me, how I am successful in other aspects of my life, yet this is the only one where I have shortcomings. And so I keep it moving, what else am I to do?

I am sure that I am not the only one out there who feels this way.