Planning a trip!

I have always dreamed that I would meet the love of my life in a foreign place and it has always been my objective to discover new places.

You see, ever since I was a little boy, Spain has seemed like it was my home. Unbeknownst to me at the time, but my heritage was Spanish. It was not until I inquired about where my parents were born, or how they came to be, that I was told what my ethnicity was, and why my eyes are the color, they are.

For the longest time, I had the recurring dream that I would meet “my love” during my travels. And in this dream. It was never truly clear of the “how” or the “where.” Those details always seemed to escape me.  But one thing was always certain, that I would need him and it would feel kismet, because finally I was reunited with him and my heart instantly recognized him without knowing his name.

As I sit here, planning the details of my trip, I begin to wonder if those boyhood dreams would materialize?!  

I guess, it was never really my objective to seek him out. But I look to stranger’s faces and ask myself, would I instantly recognize him? Part of the reason why I fell in love with strangers all too easily.

Too many years have passed by, and many failed attempts to plan this trip. Finally, it can be made possible and I look forward to the experience.  

Story time with Robert, "curiosity? or morbidity?"

With so much going on in the world. I have to believe that there is genuine concern for our fellow men.  As an Idealist romantic, I want to believe that there is good in the world and that all the evil that surrounds us, is only temporary.

Recently, I have taken to traveling for business. It is okay, I suppose.  Personally, I do not care for flying; it is very expensive and such a hassle at times.  As a person who enjoys “people-watching,” I am exposed to many circumstances that deflate my social idealism.  

Recently, at the cusp of the Christmas holiday, I was at the terminal awaiting my flight. Of course, I get there early to avoid the rush and time delays of waiting in queues.  As a lone traveler, I tend to keep to myself. However, I noticed an acrobatic couple practicing, what look like their routines or maybe just doing stretching exercises.  This is when the person balancing himself on his partner’s legs lost his balance and fell backwards, hitting the back of his head on the metal railing off the window.  This of course made a loud noise. While some people lifted their heads, and some even ran towards the person to see if he was ok. At this moment, his partner yells out for assistance as the person is bleeding.  

Admittedly, I was definitely concerned and torn between rushing to provide assistance, and staying behind so that I was not in the way, but I see others getting to the couple much quicker than I do. Therefore, I simply stay in my seat saying a quick prayer so that the person who was hurt was okay and not seriously hurt.

Nevertheless, as I sat there looking at the commotion and seeing an influx of people coming over to see what happened out of morbid curiosity.  I found myself completely disgusted by these people.  A couple and their teenage son, come over and literally hover over the couple on the floor trying to suppress the bleeding while waiting for emergency response. I see the EMT’s rushing over and having to push these very people of out the way to get to the person on the floor.

It sickened me to think that people are so morbid that they would stand over a bleeding person and not offer any assistance.  Almost like killing prey and watching it die. (I realize that the analogy is not the same but it feels like it applies.)

Shortly after the person was taken to a different site to be cleaned up, facilities came by to clean the area and disinfect the bloodied spots on the carpets. You would not believe that another family came by and sat down on the floor next to the bloodied carpet stains, while the “wet floor” signs were still posted.

These acts make me loose hope for humanity. Like, seriously, where is your compassion?

Story time with Robert, “Sorry, can’t talk right now…”

Over since his birthday earlier in the month. He has not stopped calling or texting me.  We started up again. He even hinted at the proposal that took place a year ago. He wants it more than anything and said that he is getting tired of being rejected. 

You see, it is not my intention to reject him.

Him: “I wish that you would love me, like I love you”

Me: “How can you say that? I do love you… but you are not ready for me to show you how much. If I did show you, you’d feel overwhelmed by my love and would want nothing else but to escape it.”

He took this as a challenge. He wanted to prove me wrong. That he would not be overwhelmed.

The holidays are always rough on all of us. I am in the middle of relocating. I have dedicated my efforts to looking for employment outside of California. The results are evident. I have gotten callbacks and requests to interview like you would not believe.

However, in a late night conversation with him, I decided to let him know that I have been traveling for these interviews and am just awaiting for a job offer and that I would accept it without question. His disappointment infuriated him, he asked, how dared I leave him? 

How dare I? I think, how can he ask me this question. He never included me in his 10-year plan… (I know, I asked for a 10-year plan, lol) but his plan was to work until 55 and travel with his mother (who is ill) until 60.  Never in this plan, did he say, maintain a relationship with a person, travel with my mother and my partner… no mention of involving another person (i.e., me.). So why does he ask why I did not include him in my plans to relocate?

After I told him this, he called me every night and we would be on the phone over 2 hours each night. 2 days ago, he told me how one of his co-workers expressed an infatuation with him. In addition, asked for advice on how to let her down gently.  His focus was on a resolve that would allow him to continue being Mr. Nice Guy. I told him that, “of all the people who have rejected me (or my advances) I have never thought of them as Mr. Nice guy… in my book, they’re the asshole who rejected me…” and I told him that he should expect this. However, the conversation kept circling back to him being portrayed as Mr. Nice Guy.

Finally, I told him, “I don’t think of you as Mr. Nice Guy, why do you care so much that she thinks of you this way?” well that must have upset him. Because he then asked me questions as to when I stopped thinking of him in this way.  He said that in my examples, it was obvious that I did something to make him react in not-so-nice way.  

My retort of course did not help any… I said, “I recognize the flaws in your character and I don’t hold it against you… surely, you must know this.” However, he did not take my comments lightly.  He abruptly excused himself and said that he must end the call… responses to my text messages have been very curt. Moreover, after several text messages from me to him, he responds, “sorry, can’t talk right now. Ttyl.”

I need to know where I stand with people. I simply need to know for my safety, my security… This way, I know how much I should get involved and where my limitations lie.  Emotional outburst like his, only make me want to keep my distance… so when he decides to text me or call me back… I already have an automatic message reply, “Sorry, Can’t talk right now, ttyl.”

SCREAM! Unauthorized Parody

It seems like forever ago since I was around people.  Okay, that is quite an exaggeration but let us be clear. It certainly has been a while since I have hung out with people my age, who I relate to, who share similar values.

Tonight, friends and I went to see the Unauthorized Parody of Scream, currently at the Rockwell.  Live performances are always near and dear to my heart. I feel like as thought I am connected to a stage (perhaps in a past live); but my affinity to live theatre is very strong.  Those who are close to my also share a passion for performances.

This is not a formal review. Nevertheless, I will say that the Rockwell is gaining a reputation for hosting well-produced live entertainment.  You always see interesting people. Moreover, the renditions of the songs that are covered are awe-inspiring.  I can easily recall moments listening to “When Doves Cry” as part of the For the Record series. Similarly, last night, when a performer sang Creep; some of these versions are eerily perfect!

If you are in the Los Angeles area and wish to see wonderful performers (some renowned performers); you should definitely check out the Rockwell.

Moreover, tonight gave me the opportunity to see familiar faces and spend a bit of quality time with them.  I live for moments like tonight. Where I can disconnect from the world around me and submerge myself in conversation and theatre, two of my favorite passions. 

Sex & Love

Tonight was amazing.  A night out with friends. A concert that was pretty awesome. 

It was all a long time coming.  Months before, I was asked to look into a concert, not knowing that I would be planning a group outing. However, those are minor details in the grand scheme of things.

I decided a while ago that as part of my socializing, I would make extra time for good friends and move away from those friendships that do not serve any real purpose.

In reality, I have a hard time allowing people into my circle because I have eclectic taste and the type of people that I tend to encounter seem to be those who hold extreme viewpoints about everything.

But I digress. Tonight was about going to see a concert with wonderful friends in tow. We saw Enrique Iglesias’s Sex and Love tour with Pitbull.

These two are excellent entertainers. We all had a great time. We danced. I sang (at the top of my lungs, may I add). We took pictures. Above all, we stayed present in the moment.

If you’d allow the tangent. Lately, I feel that culturally, we are not living in the moment. We’re constantly looking for the next high; looking for the next big thing. We come, we take pictures or video. And then we move on. Ultimately, it’s not about taking a hundred thousand pictures at an event and calling it a night. We lose sight of it all. We’re not present in our daily lives. So the next time you reach to your phone to take yet another picture, think, soak it all in, and if you’re still inspired to take that picture. Do it. But stay grounded in that moment, not what’s behind that lens.

Love, Anew?

It has been years since I have uttered the words, Love; much less to another person.

You see, I gave up on love, so long ago. It’s just not something that I have enjoyed.  The start is always exciting and enticing and dare I say, addicting?! But towards to the middle, it starts to feel like it’s an anchor and you’re about to drown. So very suffocating.

And maybe it’s simply been the men that I have fallen for. Maybe their love was suffocating. Maybe, I just don’t know how to love or even allow myself to be loved.

My storied past has been one of lackluster love entanglements ( for a lack of better words).  But today,  I find myself on the onset of a budding love interest.

It goes back to my Starbucks crush.  Yes, him. 

I know this is nothing significant. I mean, I still don’t know his name and I can’t find the courage to even ask him his name.  none the less, my small time crush on this guy, makes me miss the days when I was in a relationship. 

Of course, I am not thinking of dating this guy, I don’t even know if he’s gay.   

But I think perhaps it is time that I think of a relationship.  Like, it’s been a while since my last relationship, but in all honesty. I wasn’t even in love.  It’s been longer still since I have been in a relationship where I was in love.  Is it even possible at this time?

Time to Extinguish those Embers.

It is true.

 Your birthday is coming up. I know this! However, I cannot send you a birthday card because I do not want you to think that there are still glowing embers where there once was a roaring flame. 

I went out of my way to get you a birthday card, but there is no sense in sending it to you because 1) I deleted your contact info and erased your home address and 2) I would have to research your business address in order for me to get you this card.

You see, the level of effort is too much to retrieve such information.

But for your birthday, I continue to wish for you many blessings. Most importantly, I wish you find that which will bring you happiness. 

P.S. Over these last few years, I regret that we weren’t better people to each other.  Maybe we could’ve been exactly what we needed from each other.  There were too many things we had in common but not enough to keep us together.  And I know this means very little to a broken heart but we were already broken when we came together. 

You see, it’s better that we’re not connected anymore.  At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

But I don’t harbor any ill feelings for you, and I hope that when you think of me, you think of me (if you ever do) that you wish for me nothing but the best.

What is going on in the world?

Ever since my sister broke the news that she is preggers, I have been most concerned with the state of affairs in the world.  All with due reason; children are being born every single day, and the world continues to become a hostile environment.  The media applies censorship to most of the news and that is why we are so shielded from the horrors that are happening every day not only abroad, but in our own backyards.  It is such an ugly time to be anything but white in America. Should you read uncensored news, you will find stories after stories of injustices against people of color (POC).

You may think my statements are a bit on the extreme, but you won’t hear it on the evening news and that’s the reality. 

I simply can’t fathom how kids are expected to grow up in this very troubling world, at this specific moment in time. I am aware that history tends to repeat itself. People survived it then, and surely, we’ll be able to survive it this time around. But don’t you find it rather depressing that there is so much ugliness in the world. Was it ever worse than what it is now? I know, I am plagued with so many questions.

I wish to be lighthearted, and take everything at face value but how can I, when there is much need in the world? So much need for a better tomorrow. Children born since 2011 do not know a world without war. We have kids growing up being taught hatred against those who look different from themselves.  We’re supposed to be embracing a global community/world. But most kids are not being taught secondary languages.  A famous quote by Mark Twain states, “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.”

Friendship.

This morning I read a story in the newspaper that absolutely made me tear up. The story of two friends and their tragic end.

What affected me the most about this story is that they were seniors who maintained a 30+ year friendship. They went for morning walks. Unbeknownst to them, this is how it would end. While on their way to their usual morning meet up spot, the eldest friend (101 yrs old), would be run over by a hit and run driver.  The younger friend (93 yrs old), walking up to the meet up spot would see the commotion and his dear friend lying on the ground. The newspaper quoted the man, “I just wanted to fall on the ground right next to him.”

I long to have a friend like this. Someone who would care for me this much they could not live without me. Likewise, I could not live without them. Just seems like this friendship transcends this lifetime.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the friends that I have near me. I would drop everything I have going on for them, should they need me and I would hope the same goes for them.

It’s just that, I have never had to test their loyalty. So I really don’t know what they would do, should I need to call upon them. I know that I cannot do this alone. I will not be able to survive otherwise.

Love and Starbucks?

I have been frequenting a specific Starbucks location, most recently. And the Starbucks Barista (him) now knows me by name! As soon as I walk in, he smiles from ear to ear and greets me by name.

Do you know how special that makes people feel? It is such a welcoming environment. Well, I never thought much of it…until today.

You see, today, I walked in (as I would any other time) and he was not behind the counter as I am used to seeing him.  I engage in the expected pleasantries with the barista (her) who takes my order.  I see him out of the corner of my eye.  I look over and as usual, a see a welcoming smile from ear to ear and he says, “Hi Robert, how are you?” I replied with a smile. I asked him if he was starting his shift or ending it. His response is that he is there on his day off.

He is really a handsome guy, and the fact that he’s personable, helps!

On a side note, my friend, who accompanied me during my visit, literally slut shames me for engaging in conversation with him. She said she is noticed a bit of chemistry. I call bullshit.

Once bitten, twice shy

The fall always makes me think of you. I wish I could say that the cold reminds me of you. But cold weather is not something that happens in Southern California.

Maybe it’s the precursor to the holidays. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling nostalgic. I really can’t pinpoint why it is that I recently thought of you. Perhaps you’ve been calling me with your mind. But I remembered that your birthday is coming up and so I decided to buy you a birthday card.

In all honesty, it is not my intention to reach out to you. I think because of our salty experiences, it is just easiest not to contact you.  And maybe that’s why you haven’t called or emailed.

Dare I say it, I hold you dear in my heart and truly that is what may have sparked the thought to get you a card and let you know that I care.

But I wonder, how it will be received. Should I even bother? I asked around, and people advised me against contacting you. They said, “the dreaded ex is like the plague.”  While I don’t consider you like the plague, I definitely think twice before reaching out. I don’t want to give either of us a glimmer of hope that the embers can spark up again.

I guess lately, I have been thinking about you more frequently. I wonder how your life is. I hope that you have found what you are looking for. I hope that you are happy. Sincerely.