A Visit Cross-Country

Right before the thanksgiving holiday, I made my way, for the very first time, to New York City. This trek was planned to visit my friends who live out there.  While the visit itself was plagued by momentary lapses in extreme situations, like possibly getting into altercations. From shouting matches with total strangers to threats of physical violence.  Yes, it all happened during my trip to the big apple.  

Yes, you constantly hear that New Yorkers are rude and such. Rightly, they are just trying to survive without having tourists block their direction.  In this sense, I can sympathize.  But there is a medium, I think.

Check this out. During my stay in a pseudo-ritzy hotel in the Upper West side, I was meeting with my friends in the hotel lobby bar.  As the last person joined our group, we ordered drinks and introduced my friends to each other.  While, I admit, we were a bit loud, apparently we were too loud for the ambience because we were quickly “shh’d” by another patron.  At first, the majority of our group did not hear this, so we continued with a second round and continued catching up while trying to plan the rest of our evening.  At this point, we were “shhh’d” yet again.  This is when we all heard the complaint; this is also when one of my friends retorted back to this patron “that if she wanted a quiet evening, she should have gone to a fucking library.”  The shouting continued for what seemed a good 30 seconds.  I asked for the bill, completely embarrassed and concerned for the outcome of this event. The reality is that you never know how crazy people are anymore.  At this point, you cannot discount age.  As I said, I asked for the bill, we were comp’d drinks and told that we didn’t have to leave.  I was not comfortable there anymore. Therefore, we left.

We arrived at the bar early, and so essentially, the bar was barely filling up, which means that nobody was dancing.  The music was okay. Based on the music, I could not really tell what demographic the bar was catering to, as the dj was playing a lot of disco.  My good friend, D and I took to the dance floor and made the best of the evening.  Of course we were dancing on the stage, there was hardly any one there, much less dancing.  As we are getting our groove on, a little boy steps up to me and pushes me with all of their strength. A bit disconcerted by this, I asked, “what are you doing?” the boy says nothing but continues.  Rather loudly, I proclaimed, “if you don’t stop touching me, little boy, I will fucken deck you. You don’t know me!” to which the reply was, “I am a girl, not a boy.” She turns and appears to be upset. I then asked her for a reason for why she was pushing me.  She awkwardly says to me that she wanted to dance. Perplexed I hugged her and said sure why not. Albeit, this was the first time that “someone” wanting to dance with me, uses their body weight to gain my attention.

In Hindsight, these were just random events. But thankfully, I was there with “locals” who do not hesitate and bark right back. 

Otherwise, my stay was rather pleasant. I certainly enjoyed my trip, so much so, that I booked another trip at the end of winter.  I look forward to different experiences this time!

This time I am staying at a hella-ritzy hotel on the Upper East. I certainly expect better.  It’s three months away and I am considering asking a former boyfriend to join me.  It is not going to be a “Robert pays for everything” kind of trip but having him there would soften the blow of paying over 1K for a room.  At this point, I am inviting all friends to see who can commit and actually join me.  The company will definitely be well received.

Once bitten, twice shy

The fall always makes me think of you. I wish I could say that the cold reminds me of you. But cold weather is not something that happens in Southern California.

Maybe it’s the precursor to the holidays. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling nostalgic. I really can’t pinpoint why it is that I recently thought of you. Perhaps you’ve been calling me with your mind. But I remembered that your birthday is coming up and so I decided to buy you a birthday card.

In all honesty, it is not my intention to reach out to you. I think because of our salty experiences, it is just easiest not to contact you.  And maybe that’s why you haven’t called or emailed.

Dare I say it, I hold you dear in my heart and truly that is what may have sparked the thought to get you a card and let you know that I care.

But I wonder, how it will be received. Should I even bother? I asked around, and people advised me against contacting you. They said, “the dreaded ex is like the plague.”  While I don’t consider you like the plague, I definitely think twice before reaching out. I don’t want to give either of us a glimmer of hope that the embers can spark up again.

I guess lately, I have been thinking about you more frequently. I wonder how your life is. I hope that you have found what you are looking for. I hope that you are happy. Sincerely.

Education and Goals

Today I was a more honest with myself than I tend to be.  Don’t get me wrong. I am quite honest with others and myself but today was a bit deeper than usual.  I had lunch with one of the managers that I support. As we sit across the table from each other, she starts telling me about a situation with her niece and how she recently dropped out of high school.

This subject hits home because I too dropped out of high school. Most of my friends don’t know this about me. Moreover, this is one of those things that I choose not to tell people. Can you blame me?

My story is a bit different from most high school dropouts. I managed to get my GED, a Bachelor’s and now my Masters.  Most of the dropouts that I meet can’t say the same. And by no means am I the exception. There certainly are a great deal of people who share my story; who truly are enterprising people. I just never thought that I would utter those words simply because it serves no real purpose.

Knowing this about me does not take away any of my achievements or make any of these any more or less exceptional. 

But I told this to my manager in the course of conversation. This is one of those things that I like to keep to myself. However, in the course of conversing with my manager, I told her this so that she can give hope to her niece that so long as you apply yourself to something, you can achieve wonderful results. That’s the reality.

I am a strong believer that “you are not a product of your environment.”  You can manifest a different reality than those around you but it will take hard work and dedication.  I know that for some, they are victims of their environments. Or maybe, I should say, they allow themselves to be victims of their environments. But don’t get me wrong. I believe that there is institutionalized system of limitations that prevent a person from getting out. But it is possible, you can get out. Look at me, my public school education was mediocre at best but I am smart. I sought my own education and passed my GED exam on the first try. My college school grades were in the A’s and B’s, and the same goes for my Master’s.

I did not give up even when it was easy to. I kept at it even when I had enough of it. That is my story. 

A Friend's Wedding

Today I bore witness to a dear friend's wedding.

Let me preface this story by telling you that I don't like weddings and I don't like going to weddings. I stopped going to church services when my church vocalized their distaste for my "lifestyle."  Of course this was during a time when I, myself, didn't know what that was.  But it proves that messages are heard, loud and clear. Since this time, I was oppose to attending a church service that admonished homosexuals. Plus, the concept of marriage was foreign to me because I am gay and (at the time) wasn't allowed to marry the person I loved. (Thankfully, this is no longer the case in California.)

Regardless of these facts, I still had not stepped inside a place of service. Literally, in the last 10 years.

Today was a day that I will remember for a good while because I bore witness to the union of my friend and her fiance (now her husband). Conversations of romantic involvements and commitments ensued through the night. Looking at the happy faces in the crowds, all of it. had me in awe. For a moment, it even had me in tears.  Now don't go thinking that I am the type of guy that cries at weddings because I am not an easy crier. But tonight I had my heart on my sleeve.

For so many years, I was closed off to the idea that I could marry and so, I closed myself off to the whole concept that I was allowed to love someone else. But today, I have renewed faith that I can love and be loved and our love is not shameful or blasphemic in the eyes of God. Because God is Love.

Where do I begin... to tell this story?

The start is always a good place to start but it gives you too many unnecessary details that bias your judgement. Sometimes, the details that we already know help to construct the story we need to tell without having to go ALL the way back to the beginning. See, all those details no longer apply.

When I think of the times I have been in love, I realize that I have always given too much of myself. But you see, that's what you do when you're in love, right? You give all that you can and then some.

Can you give soo much that you become empty? or does it continuously replenish so that you can continue to give and give? I think of it like oxygen, in order for breathable air to be available, other particles must do their work in order to have air. Otherwise, all that there would be left, is exhaust.

I hope that analogy made some kind of sense to some of you.

I Still...

breathe for you.