Story time with Robert: “I dreamed him last night.”

I really do not know why he suddenly came to mind. Maybe it was the coffee date with my friend that I recently had and they asked me about him.

You see, I have not spoken to him in nearly seven months. The last time I heard from him, he could not talk to me. Time sure does fly by quickly.

The dream was about the life I would have had, if I had accepted either of his marriage proposals.

However, you see, I declined them all.

In my dream, he and I lived in a 2 bedroom home in the suburb. Possibly close to where I live now, or maybe equidistant to where his mother lives and where I live now. In my dream, he was officially retired but was going back to work (I do not know, he just was). In my dream, we were just another typical couple, doing whatever mundane things couples do.

The funny thing is that within my dream, we traveled and we were sincerely in love. I just can’t explain how you can wake up and feel totally in love with a person?! Please do not tell me that perhaps I was never out of love with him because I do not believe that I was ever in love.

Dreams have a way of seeming as if they are real. Although only a dream, perhaps a part of me would like it to be real. Perhaps it is because some part of me longs to have that type of relationship and not necessarily with him.

Why does the mind try and trick us!?!

So who saves the hero, in the end?

Every one deals with loss quite differently. For me, it was definitely different.

Previously, I wrote about what life would be like should my father pass away. Sadly, this reality came to be. My father recently passed, and while we are all still trying to salvage what was lost. It has only been weeks since this came to be.

Some aspects of this process were wholeheartedly disillusioning. Friends who under other circumstances would have been like family, failed to show their faces; whereas, others, I did not even want around me during this time. This was a heartbreaking process for me because (blinded by my grief) I could not think of anyone to call on for a warm embrace or a helping hand, or simply to be a pillar of support. Those who were aware and tried to be there for me, I didn’t want around me because in that moment, I wouldn’t have been able to compose myself and I felt as though I would have to be strong for them, too. During this time, I just did not know how to be strong.

Then there were friends who did know what was going on and failed to show up. They failed me, in the sense that they would send a text offering condolences but they were nowhere to be found.

Maybe I was not right in my head but in that moment a text to say you was sorry for my loss is not what I needed. I needed an embrace. I needed to know that everything would be all right. However, it just seems like this was too high of an expectation.

Sadly, while this was my reality, it was not my sister’s reality. My sister’s friends were with us in our grief. They helped to feed us when we were not hungry and they came by to help clean up the place. In the past, I never thought of my sister’s friends as friends of mine or even friends of the family; it just felt like in that moment, they were no longer her friends, now they were our family.

They say that you know what people are made of in times of trouble and times of joy. The people I called friends, were only there for times of joy and in my trouble, they were not available.

This one person called me to say, “I know what you’re going through, my mother’s friends’ friend, recently passed away.” When I asked, “how close was that person to you?” His response was, “oh I never met them.” And I wondered, then how do you know what I am going through? You have no idea what it is to lose your parent but in that moment, I held my tears, thanked him for his condolences, and ended the phone call.

This is why I could not speak to anyone about this situation because talking to friends about it would only make me upset. In that moment, I did/do not want to hear about your grief. I did/do not want to know that you lost your parent 10, 5, or even 3 years ago, and how you are still not over it. Much less, how it does not get easier. All of this is brand new to me and surely, I will manage to cope with my loss.

So, it has not been an entire month since his passing and we (as a family) are learning every day to cope with his absence. I have only told a handful of people because I needed to get it out of my system and tell someone. I needed to connect with people and let them know about my bereavement. And while I am a strong person, I just needed a moment to collapse.

My only question is, “Who’s there to save the hero?”

Love and Starbucks?

I have been frequenting a specific Starbucks location, most recently. And the Starbucks Barista (him) now knows me by name! As soon as I walk in, he smiles from ear to ear and greets me by name.

Do you know how special that makes people feel? It is such a welcoming environment. Well, I never thought much of it…until today.

You see, today, I walked in (as I would any other time) and he was not behind the counter as I am used to seeing him.  I engage in the expected pleasantries with the barista (her) who takes my order.  I see him out of the corner of my eye.  I look over and as usual, a see a welcoming smile from ear to ear and he says, “Hi Robert, how are you?” I replied with a smile. I asked him if he was starting his shift or ending it. His response is that he is there on his day off.

He is really a handsome guy, and the fact that he’s personable, helps!

On a side note, my friend, who accompanied me during my visit, literally slut shames me for engaging in conversation with him. She said she is noticed a bit of chemistry. I call bullshit.

Education and Goals

Today I was a more honest with myself than I tend to be.  Don’t get me wrong. I am quite honest with others and myself but today was a bit deeper than usual.  I had lunch with one of the managers that I support. As we sit across the table from each other, she starts telling me about a situation with her niece and how she recently dropped out of high school.

This subject hits home because I too dropped out of high school. Most of my friends don’t know this about me. Moreover, this is one of those things that I choose not to tell people. Can you blame me?

My story is a bit different from most high school dropouts. I managed to get my GED, a Bachelor’s and now my Masters.  Most of the dropouts that I meet can’t say the same. And by no means am I the exception. There certainly are a great deal of people who share my story; who truly are enterprising people. I just never thought that I would utter those words simply because it serves no real purpose.

Knowing this about me does not take away any of my achievements or make any of these any more or less exceptional. 

But I told this to my manager in the course of conversation. This is one of those things that I like to keep to myself. However, in the course of conversing with my manager, I told her this so that she can give hope to her niece that so long as you apply yourself to something, you can achieve wonderful results. That’s the reality.

I am a strong believer that “you are not a product of your environment.”  You can manifest a different reality than those around you but it will take hard work and dedication.  I know that for some, they are victims of their environments. Or maybe, I should say, they allow themselves to be victims of their environments. But don’t get me wrong. I believe that there is institutionalized system of limitations that prevent a person from getting out. But it is possible, you can get out. Look at me, my public school education was mediocre at best but I am smart. I sought my own education and passed my GED exam on the first try. My college school grades were in the A’s and B’s, and the same goes for my Master’s.

I did not give up even when it was easy to. I kept at it even when I had enough of it. That is my story. 

A Friend's Wedding

Today I bore witness to a dear friend's wedding.

Let me preface this story by telling you that I don't like weddings and I don't like going to weddings. I stopped going to church services when my church vocalized their distaste for my "lifestyle."  Of course this was during a time when I, myself, didn't know what that was.  But it proves that messages are heard, loud and clear. Since this time, I was oppose to attending a church service that admonished homosexuals. Plus, the concept of marriage was foreign to me because I am gay and (at the time) wasn't allowed to marry the person I loved. (Thankfully, this is no longer the case in California.)

Regardless of these facts, I still had not stepped inside a place of service. Literally, in the last 10 years.

Today was a day that I will remember for a good while because I bore witness to the union of my friend and her fiance (now her husband). Conversations of romantic involvements and commitments ensued through the night. Looking at the happy faces in the crowds, all of it. had me in awe. For a moment, it even had me in tears.  Now don't go thinking that I am the type of guy that cries at weddings because I am not an easy crier. But tonight I had my heart on my sleeve.

For so many years, I was closed off to the idea that I could marry and so, I closed myself off to the whole concept that I was allowed to love someone else. But today, I have renewed faith that I can love and be loved and our love is not shameful or blasphemic in the eyes of God. Because God is Love.