Planning a trip!

I have always dreamed that I would meet the love of my life in a foreign place and it has always been my objective to discover new places.

You see, ever since I was a little boy, Spain has seemed like it was my home. Unbeknownst to me at the time, but my heritage was Spanish. It was not until I inquired about where my parents were born, or how they came to be, that I was told what my ethnicity was, and why my eyes are the color, they are.

For the longest time, I had the recurring dream that I would meet “my love” during my travels. And in this dream. It was never truly clear of the “how” or the “where.” Those details always seemed to escape me.  But one thing was always certain, that I would need him and it would feel kismet, because finally I was reunited with him and my heart instantly recognized him without knowing his name.

As I sit here, planning the details of my trip, I begin to wonder if those boyhood dreams would materialize?!  

I guess, it was never really my objective to seek him out. But I look to stranger’s faces and ask myself, would I instantly recognize him? Part of the reason why I fell in love with strangers all too easily.

Too many years have passed by, and many failed attempts to plan this trip. Finally, it can be made possible and I look forward to the experience.  

Sex & Love

Tonight was amazing.  A night out with friends. A concert that was pretty awesome. 

It was all a long time coming.  Months before, I was asked to look into a concert, not knowing that I would be planning a group outing. However, those are minor details in the grand scheme of things.

I decided a while ago that as part of my socializing, I would make extra time for good friends and move away from those friendships that do not serve any real purpose.

In reality, I have a hard time allowing people into my circle because I have eclectic taste and the type of people that I tend to encounter seem to be those who hold extreme viewpoints about everything.

But I digress. Tonight was about going to see a concert with wonderful friends in tow. We saw Enrique Iglesias’s Sex and Love tour with Pitbull.

These two are excellent entertainers. We all had a great time. We danced. I sang (at the top of my lungs, may I add). We took pictures. Above all, we stayed present in the moment.

If you’d allow the tangent. Lately, I feel that culturally, we are not living in the moment. We’re constantly looking for the next high; looking for the next big thing. We come, we take pictures or video. And then we move on. Ultimately, it’s not about taking a hundred thousand pictures at an event and calling it a night. We lose sight of it all. We’re not present in our daily lives. So the next time you reach to your phone to take yet another picture, think, soak it all in, and if you’re still inspired to take that picture. Do it. But stay grounded in that moment, not what’s behind that lens.

Love, Anew?

It has been years since I have uttered the words, Love; much less to another person.

You see, I gave up on love, so long ago. It’s just not something that I have enjoyed.  The start is always exciting and enticing and dare I say, addicting?! But towards to the middle, it starts to feel like it’s an anchor and you’re about to drown. So very suffocating.

And maybe it’s simply been the men that I have fallen for. Maybe their love was suffocating. Maybe, I just don’t know how to love or even allow myself to be loved.

My storied past has been one of lackluster love entanglements ( for a lack of better words).  But today,  I find myself on the onset of a budding love interest.

It goes back to my Starbucks crush.  Yes, him. 

I know this is nothing significant. I mean, I still don’t know his name and I can’t find the courage to even ask him his name.  none the less, my small time crush on this guy, makes me miss the days when I was in a relationship. 

Of course, I am not thinking of dating this guy, I don’t even know if he’s gay.   

But I think perhaps it is time that I think of a relationship.  Like, it’s been a while since my last relationship, but in all honesty. I wasn’t even in love.  It’s been longer still since I have been in a relationship where I was in love.  Is it even possible at this time?

Time to Extinguish those Embers.

It is true.

 Your birthday is coming up. I know this! However, I cannot send you a birthday card because I do not want you to think that there are still glowing embers where there once was a roaring flame. 

I went out of my way to get you a birthday card, but there is no sense in sending it to you because 1) I deleted your contact info and erased your home address and 2) I would have to research your business address in order for me to get you this card.

You see, the level of effort is too much to retrieve such information.

But for your birthday, I continue to wish for you many blessings. Most importantly, I wish you find that which will bring you happiness. 

P.S. Over these last few years, I regret that we weren’t better people to each other.  Maybe we could’ve been exactly what we needed from each other.  There were too many things we had in common but not enough to keep us together.  And I know this means very little to a broken heart but we were already broken when we came together. 

You see, it’s better that we’re not connected anymore.  At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

But I don’t harbor any ill feelings for you, and I hope that when you think of me, you think of me (if you ever do) that you wish for me nothing but the best.

Love and Starbucks?

I have been frequenting a specific Starbucks location, most recently. And the Starbucks Barista (him) now knows me by name! As soon as I walk in, he smiles from ear to ear and greets me by name.

Do you know how special that makes people feel? It is such a welcoming environment. Well, I never thought much of it…until today.

You see, today, I walked in (as I would any other time) and he was not behind the counter as I am used to seeing him.  I engage in the expected pleasantries with the barista (her) who takes my order.  I see him out of the corner of my eye.  I look over and as usual, a see a welcoming smile from ear to ear and he says, “Hi Robert, how are you?” I replied with a smile. I asked him if he was starting his shift or ending it. His response is that he is there on his day off.

He is really a handsome guy, and the fact that he’s personable, helps!

On a side note, my friend, who accompanied me during my visit, literally slut shames me for engaging in conversation with him. She said she is noticed a bit of chemistry. I call bullshit.

A Friend's Wedding

Today I bore witness to a dear friend's wedding.

Let me preface this story by telling you that I don't like weddings and I don't like going to weddings. I stopped going to church services when my church vocalized their distaste for my "lifestyle."  Of course this was during a time when I, myself, didn't know what that was.  But it proves that messages are heard, loud and clear. Since this time, I was oppose to attending a church service that admonished homosexuals. Plus, the concept of marriage was foreign to me because I am gay and (at the time) wasn't allowed to marry the person I loved. (Thankfully, this is no longer the case in California.)

Regardless of these facts, I still had not stepped inside a place of service. Literally, in the last 10 years.

Today was a day that I will remember for a good while because I bore witness to the union of my friend and her fiance (now her husband). Conversations of romantic involvements and commitments ensued through the night. Looking at the happy faces in the crowds, all of it. had me in awe. For a moment, it even had me in tears.  Now don't go thinking that I am the type of guy that cries at weddings because I am not an easy crier. But tonight I had my heart on my sleeve.

For so many years, I was closed off to the idea that I could marry and so, I closed myself off to the whole concept that I was allowed to love someone else. But today, I have renewed faith that I can love and be loved and our love is not shameful or blasphemic in the eyes of God. Because God is Love.

I Still...

breathe for you.

In Absentia...

It has been a while since my last post and many things have happened in my life. Some good and some not so good.

Over the Christmas holiday, he came back with a vengeance asking for my hand in marriage. The proposal was rather unorthodox, not a fabled love story by any means. I am rather simple to please and do not require much. However, there are certain things that I will require. I require commitment and conviction. You do not have to be right so long as you believe it with every part of your being.

He called me on Christmas Eve and said, "I just called to ask you one thing. Will you marry me?"

My response was not ideal. I retorted, "Do you have a ring?" his response, "No." I continued on to say other things like, "how was your day? What are your plans for xmas? How did you spent your birthday?

The truth is, had he said, "Yes, I have a ring for you." My response would have been automatic and emphatically, "Yes!” But you see, his lack of commitment in getting a ring prior to asking made me believe that he was not serious about "US," and if he couldn't commit then why should I?

Now, it has been several weeks since that unfortunate day that I received a marriage proposal over the phone. We have gone out a couple of times, too. He, in fact, did change. He no longer drinks or smokes. Over the last outing, he bought me three drinks and I felt like such a lush since I was the only one drinking alcoholic beverages. Ironically, I do not need to drink to have a good time, but since he kept buying, I kept drinking. I felt utter disappointment in myself by continuing to drink in front of him. However, he took advantage of this opportunity by asking me direct questions about us. As they say, drunks and small children will tell you no lies. I told him everything that was weighing on my chest about our situation and I said this with his feelings in mind. I delivered the blows gently (or so I thought). After our night out, he took me to dinner/breakfast; at this point, my drunkenness got the better of me and started to sabotage our evening by making wry comments about what I want. Of course, he could not provide these things. Even more reasons why I knew that I was messing up.

Despite the circumstances, I am sure now that I do not want a relationship. Not with him, nor anyone else. I do not believe that I am physically or emotionally ready to take on a relationship. I must work out some critical issues before giving into a relationship. Recently, I went out with my longtime friend and she confirmed this thought.

I simply hope that I can work my issues out before it becomes too late.

Haunted by my past.

He appears as quickly as he vanished from my life, nearly four years ago. I still remember the actions that eventually caused me walk away. You see, we met under circumstances that were not ideal but whether it was intoxication or the whirlwind of newness that brought him into my life, the point is that he would become my boyfriend.

The relationship was lived rather shortly. In that time, he drank too much and I did not have the patience to be tied down. Unbeknownst to him, I was having a fling with a person who did not take me serious, but I would have given it all for him.

It happens to me all the time. When I find someone I can see myself with, I go and meet someone else who distracts me.

I called this man my boyfriend, but to him I was property. Short of having a GPS embedded in my skin, he needed to know where I was at all times. Personally, he says that he was intuitive and felt that someone else was winning me over. While I never confirmed it, he was right.

In the words of Jewel, “the heart can hallucinate when it is starved for love.” Four years later, he would come back into my life, asking to rekindle what was once a fire.

I just do not know how to let him back in. I have built walls so thick that no one would consider breaking through and now this man is asking for a piece of my heart and I just don’t know how to undo all of this work.

I said that I would be willing to get to know this version of him. The man I knew him to be was dark and hurt, and fragile. I too was damaged goods. I have changed from the person I used to be. He claims to have done the same. Now, he is asking me to get to know him all over again.

I just feel like I cannot allow myself to be invested this time around because I do not want to feel like I have become desperate for a relationship. I feel the emptiness and in my mind, I think that he is trying to exploit that in me. However, I will allow myself to get to know him and I will reintroduce myself to him. It always felt like our story was never complete. And while I do not expect to have a happy ending, I do expect to end this chapter.

Just a thought

Some days, when the rain pours hard enough, I feel my worries wash away.

Some nights, when sleep is hard to come by, I count my blessings so many times, until I am reassured that I have more blessings than woes. 

It is often so easy to be blinded to one's own blessings. We only see what is right in front of us, never seeing past the moment. Always aware, I look to see what the day might send just around the river-bend for me. 

Friendship Rings

This weekend, while working at my side job, a long time work friend approached me.

See, we have been working together for what seems like the longest time, nearly seven years. He and I have always had this off-the-wall relationship. We constantly flirt with each other. However, for various reasons, I have never taken him seriously with any of the things that he says to me. And so, because of this, we have gone through our phases of heated sexual-chemistry to cold nonchalant interactions.  

He makes public declarations to other work associates about how he is attracted to me. Further, he tells my boss all the time how he wants me to go over to his place of residence or how he wants to have a better relationship with me. 

I never know how to reply to these declarations because he never vocalizes these declarations to me in private. The reality is that the only declarations he tells me privately are how he wants to engage in a sexual relationship with me. I feel as though, because we work together, I would never engage in just a sexual relationship. I can only imagine how people at work will publicly criticize my character for allowing this to be made public.

So as we sit there, diagonally, across from each other. (I wear a ring on my right hand, with small diamonds encircling the ring, it's less than 1ct.) He sees my ring, shining in the light of the overhead lamp and says to me, "when am I going to get a ring just like yours?" as I looked up to his bright blue eyes, perplexed, I asked, "excuse me?!"

He again says to me that he wants a ring similar to mine. As I calculate my reaction, I simply smile and say that I could never give him a ring like mine because people often confuse it for a wedding band.

He says, "it's okay, we'll just tell people that it is a friendship ring."

Now, it has never occurred to me to have friendship rings with someone other than my best friends. It's really a hard concept for me to grasp; so as I sit there across from this man, I begin to think of how a ring will change the dynamic of our pseudo-relationship. Is this something that I could be prepared for?

Further, my heart tells me that his requests for a ring does not tell me of his true feelings for me. His request for a ring from me, is a materialistic requests for me to buy him something of worth. Which is why I hesitate. I smiled, and simplistically say...."maybe, when we're official."

Desperately seeking him...

I'm here and you are not.

I miss you.

I want to run into the middle of the streets and scream out your name,but I know that I could never find you.

He Called...

He is nowhere near. In fact, he's 7052 miles away from me, on the other side of the world.

But he called me. Late for me, too early for him. but he left a voice mail message saying how much he missed me. This is why it is that I want to run to his arms every single time I see him. But my better judgement prohibits from reaching out to him. Strange Love.

So sick of this game. tired of the premise. no one ever wins.

I can't deny that I miss him most when he calls me and tells me that I am his.

But sadly, our story is one that cannot persist, at least not in this life time.

It reminds me of the scene from Memoirs of a Geisha, when Sayuri and the Chairman meet at the end and she says to him, "Can't you see? Every step I have taken, since I was that child on the bridge, has been to bring myself closer to you."

Well this is exactly how I feel when he is near.

Why does he have a hold on me?

Guilt.

Sometimes, I feel so guilty to even want to seek him out. When he was in the picture, he did a lot of harm. Never satisfied with what he had in front of him, he was always looking for something better. I learned lessons with him being here that I would not have learned otherwise. I learned to be strong, to be independent. I learned to never accept less than what I deserve.

With all of that said, I can't help but miss him. And so I realize that its complete and utter torture, knowing that both he and I are better off with keeping him at a distance.

Just last night, on my way home from a night out, I realized that I have his number, I sent him a simple message... "Hello."

To my surprise, he replied instantly, "I miss you."

Love and I

Sometimes I think of my love life and begin to think that Love and I have not been the greatest of friends.

In the words of this song, "I want to love again."

It is interesting to me, how I am successful in other aspects of my life, yet this is the only one where I have shortcomings. And so I keep it moving, what else am I to do?

I am sure that I am not the only one out there who feels this way.

I Am Not Ready To Love!

In my adult life, I have unknowingly sabotaged many blossoming relationships with men. For whatever reason, I find that the men who come into my life, are opportunist to some degree. Some vocally expressing it, while others quietly hinting at a specific thing. Whether it is a request for a "loan" or to pay a bill or even to pay for some of their expenses. When faced with these situations, I acknowledge the red flags and heed the warning. I politely tell my "love interest" that they need to move on for they will not find what they are looking for in me.

After being single for some time, I decided to try this "love" thing once again. So most recently, I met a guy...

While he is quite talkative and always posses wonderful talking points. I must admit that I certainly enjoy talking to him... however, in the course of the always ackward "getting to know each other" phase. He has disclosed some baggage that he is currently dealing with. Personally, I am also dealing with baggage of my own, so I certainly do not hold it against him. He has mentioned to me that he is dealing with financial, personal, and professional issues. Might I add that he is 17 years my senior.  I realized that our world is no longer the same as it was years before. So is it fair to say that I would have hoped that by his age of 47, he figured out his issues? For me, I would only hope that by the age of  35 to resolve my own issues.

We have gone out on one date, which was quite lovely by any standards. We met for dinner at a restaurant and shared in continous conversation for nearly 3 hours. My goodness, who would have thought we could go on for that long. The service staff at the restaurant was in the back, since we were the only two patrons at this restaurant, and they just let us be, with no interruptions. Sadly, this was a good and bad thing because when I wanted to order another glass of wine, they were nowhere to be found.  At the end of the meal and when we were finally ready to ask for the bill... he asked me to split the bill in half with him. I was a bit surprised because in my culture, we grow up with the mentality that whomever invites is the one who pays, period. In this case, he invited, therefore, in my mind, he pays. Regardless, I said sure but I expressed my discontent, explained my culture to him. We discussed the possibility of another potential date and that we would discuss the details over the phone.

At this point, it has been several days since our date and he has certainly expressed interest in more dates and getting to know each other, potentially leading to a relationship. This is where my apprehension comes into play. I am used to being single and not having to provide someone a status on my personal dealings. Like, when are you getting home? what time did you get off work? and such... I certainly need to get used to this interest in a "stranger." I say stranger because I still don't know who he really is. We have conversed over phone and met up once. We share some things in common but is it enough?  He confessed to being a part-time student and being on academic probation. He shared having some difficulties in his study and expressed needing some help. This leads me to a red flag.

Is this where I want to be? I have my own goals and ambitions. Does he help or hurt me in reaching my own goals? Can I sacrifice to enrich him with his goals? These questions lead me to believe that I am certainly not ready to love someone. Perhaps, I am not ready to love him. Anyone else, I could have dismissed and said "so long sucka!" but this guy has really made me rethink my priorities.

I once heard, "the people whom you attract are a mirror of the person you are." This statement often scares me because I am surrounded by many people who serve as a scary warning. So for me to fall in love with someone who presents baggage and asks me to sort it out for them, often means it is my queue to leave.

-Rob

Love

The year was 1994, when the world first heard Madonna's Bedtime Stories. By this time, I had already read George Hebert's famous poem, Love. It's a beautiful poem, while you're reading, listen to the song, you'll find it eerily similar.

Love.

Love bade me welcome; yet my soul drew back
guilty of dust and sin.
But quick eyed love, observing me grow slack
from my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lack anything.

"A guest" I answered, "worthy to be here."
Love said, "You shall be he."
"I, the unkind, ungrateful? Ah, my dear,
I cannot look on thee."
Love took my hand, and smiling, did reply,
"Who made the eyes but I?"

"Truth, Lord, but I have marred them: let my shame
Go where it doth deserve"
"And know you not," says Love, "Who bore the blame?"
"My dear, then I will serve."
"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."
So I did sit and eat.

-George Hebert

Madonna's song Love tried to welcome me from her Bedtime Stories Album (1994.)