On The Verge...

On the verge of saying "Fuck it All." 

It is not my intent to send mixed signals to the universe. They say, "it is what you seek, that most evades you." Well yes, I seek so many things that I could never find. 

and so, I am at a fork in the road. While I see friends and loved ones who effortlessly find what I seek, bitterly, I extend my congratulatory praise. I don't mean to diminish their glow for their newly found treasures. But I hold to my faith and wish for the same mercy. I, too, wish to find my treasure.

So sure, not everyone's path is the same and I understand this, but can I get a break, really! 

Professionally and academically,  I have garnered many successes. Although, this is not mirrored in my personal life.The sad reality is that, the loved ones in whom I've been witness to their found treasures, do not have professional successes or even academic merits. Although that statement has no value, it is intended to justify my accomplishments. 

Change is difficult. 

So many times, have I wanted to start the ball rolling, this task has been more than a feat. 

I have wanted to make the changes necessary in my life but the unfamiliarity of it all, makes me hesitate. 

How I admire those who can easily pick up their belongings and transplant themselves to other locations. 

So many times, I wanted to take that train to a distant city and assimilate my life to theirs, but the fear of it all leaves me frozen. 

He finds me Intimidating...

In conversation, he said he finds me intimidating... is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Truth is, he is not the first to say this to me, I have heard it before. I asked him "Why do you think that I'm intimidating  his reply was, "because you have a strong personality!"

I have never shied away from the conversation... I am sincerely interested to know why people find me unapproachable or intimidating... because the reality is that I am the most approachable "down to earth" person that you could ever meet. Sure it takes a while for people to get to know the real me... but people often find me to be genuine. I often lead my personal relationships with two key traits: Honesty and Loyalty. In jest, I often say things outside of my real nature. Most recently, I caught myself saying "I'm the t-shirt and jeans type of guy, even though I would never get caught wearing a t-shirt with jeans!." In addition, I often use a famous quote from Faye Dunaway, "I'm a bit high-maintenance, a little hot and cold never hurts."  Now, under normal circumstances when the person doesn't really know me, this can obviously be misconstrued. However, I am sincere when I say, that I am highly approachable and not the least bit intimidating.

Well, interestingly enough, I find that maybe some people just don't get my humor... could that be perhaps the reason why anyone would find me intimidating?! I doubt it.

So last night, I was on the phone with this guy, and in the course of conversation, while discussing life and its perplexities, he stopped me abruptly and said... "You are a strong person, of formidable character because you're such a Type A personality." I'm sure he meant that as a compliment... so I said, "Thank you." The question still remains, What is it in me that people are most intimidated by?

I used to have a boss who was quite abrasive and a bit abusive to his staff. He would yell and holler and scream orders all day, every day. However, he never yelled at me and spoke in a condescending manner to me. His daughter, who worked in our office, confided in me that it was because he didn't want to loose me as an employee and he knew that I would not put up with this behavior, I realize that she was right... I certainly wouldn't put up with it. Now, that I am older, I find that there is no need to accept certain behaviors or allow people to belittle us. So I will not cower or stop shinning my light so that other people can be at ease. I will shine my light as bright as I can, so that people can feel free to shine their own light too. I am realizing now, that this intimidates people but I mean no harm by it, so please don't mind me!

-Rob