Haunted by my past.

He appears as quickly as he vanished from my life, nearly four years ago. I still remember the actions that eventually caused me walk away. You see, we met under circumstances that were not ideal but whether it was intoxication or the whirlwind of newness that brought him into my life, the point is that he would become my boyfriend.

The relationship was lived rather shortly. In that time, he drank too much and I did not have the patience to be tied down. Unbeknownst to him, I was having a fling with a person who did not take me serious, but I would have given it all for him.

It happens to me all the time. When I find someone I can see myself with, I go and meet someone else who distracts me.

I called this man my boyfriend, but to him I was property. Short of having a GPS embedded in my skin, he needed to know where I was at all times. Personally, he says that he was intuitive and felt that someone else was winning me over. While I never confirmed it, he was right.

In the words of Jewel, “the heart can hallucinate when it is starved for love.” Four years later, he would come back into my life, asking to rekindle what was once a fire.

I just do not know how to let him back in. I have built walls so thick that no one would consider breaking through and now this man is asking for a piece of my heart and I just don’t know how to undo all of this work.

I said that I would be willing to get to know this version of him. The man I knew him to be was dark and hurt, and fragile. I too was damaged goods. I have changed from the person I used to be. He claims to have done the same. Now, he is asking me to get to know him all over again.

I just feel like I cannot allow myself to be invested this time around because I do not want to feel like I have become desperate for a relationship. I feel the emptiness and in my mind, I think that he is trying to exploit that in me. However, I will allow myself to get to know him and I will reintroduce myself to him. It always felt like our story was never complete. And while I do not expect to have a happy ending, I do expect to end this chapter.

Just a thought

Some days, when the rain pours hard enough, I feel my worries wash away.

Some nights, when sleep is hard to come by, I count my blessings so many times, until I am reassured that I have more blessings than woes. 

It is often so easy to be blinded to one's own blessings. We only see what is right in front of us, never seeing past the moment. Always aware, I look to see what the day might send just around the river-bend for me. 

Friendship Rings

This weekend, while working at my side job, a long time work friend approached me.

See, we have been working together for what seems like the longest time, nearly seven years. He and I have always had this off-the-wall relationship. We constantly flirt with each other. However, for various reasons, I have never taken him seriously with any of the things that he says to me. And so, because of this, we have gone through our phases of heated sexual-chemistry to cold nonchalant interactions.  

He makes public declarations to other work associates about how he is attracted to me. Further, he tells my boss all the time how he wants me to go over to his place of residence or how he wants to have a better relationship with me. 

I never know how to reply to these declarations because he never vocalizes these declarations to me in private. The reality is that the only declarations he tells me privately are how he wants to engage in a sexual relationship with me. I feel as though, because we work together, I would never engage in just a sexual relationship. I can only imagine how people at work will publicly criticize my character for allowing this to be made public.

So as we sit there, diagonally, across from each other. (I wear a ring on my right hand, with small diamonds encircling the ring, it's less than 1ct.) He sees my ring, shining in the light of the overhead lamp and says to me, "when am I going to get a ring just like yours?" as I looked up to his bright blue eyes, perplexed, I asked, "excuse me?!"

He again says to me that he wants a ring similar to mine. As I calculate my reaction, I simply smile and say that I could never give him a ring like mine because people often confuse it for a wedding band.

He says, "it's okay, we'll just tell people that it is a friendship ring."

Now, it has never occurred to me to have friendship rings with someone other than my best friends. It's really a hard concept for me to grasp; so as I sit there across from this man, I begin to think of how a ring will change the dynamic of our pseudo-relationship. Is this something that I could be prepared for?

Further, my heart tells me that his requests for a ring does not tell me of his true feelings for me. His request for a ring from me, is a materialistic requests for me to buy him something of worth. Which is why I hesitate. I smiled, and simplistically say...."maybe, when we're official."

Misery loves Company

Misery loves company. Yes, we know this. 

He recently reached out to me, asking for my home address. Says he wants to send a traditional Christmas card. I haven't responded to him yet. Don't believe that I will. 

A running theme with me is "strange love." He was the strangest love that I have known. 

Although, I can't begin to quantify my love for him. I must admit that I cared a great deal for his well-being. Surely, that must mean something!? 

The story of Us was short. He tried feeding me his insecurities. I refused. I have always  considered myself to be a complete person, never looking for my "other half." I want another complete person, so that we can accompany each other on this journey. Like myself, he was greatly flawed but it seemed as thou we complemented each other. 

it was when he yelled at me that I could no longer take it. accusing me of faltering, when I never did. in retrospect, it was his insecurities that warped his perception. He saw a reality that was not complete. 

That night was when I said my goodbye forever. 

But he persisted. Coming in and out of my life over the last few years. 

Thinking I could befriend an ex-lover. I was wrong.

I have never been one to befriend a lover. I don't get that concept. If I don't want to be with you romantically, what makes anyone think that we can be friends? I obviously don't like a certain part of you to want to spend time with you otherwise. 

For whatever reason, my exes want to continue to be friends. again, I don't get it.  <hairflip>

On The Verge...

On the verge of saying "Fuck it All." 

It is not my intent to send mixed signals to the universe. They say, "it is what you seek, that most evades you." Well yes, I seek so many things that I could never find. 

and so, I am at a fork in the road. While I see friends and loved ones who effortlessly find what I seek, bitterly, I extend my congratulatory praise. I don't mean to diminish their glow for their newly found treasures. But I hold to my faith and wish for the same mercy. I, too, wish to find my treasure.

So sure, not everyone's path is the same and I understand this, but can I get a break, really! 

Professionally and academically,  I have garnered many successes. Although, this is not mirrored in my personal life.The sad reality is that, the loved ones in whom I've been witness to their found treasures, do not have professional successes or even academic merits. Although that statement has no value, it is intended to justify my accomplishments. 

Change is difficult. 

So many times, have I wanted to start the ball rolling, this task has been more than a feat. 

I have wanted to make the changes necessary in my life but the unfamiliarity of it all, makes me hesitate. 

How I admire those who can easily pick up their belongings and transplant themselves to other locations. 

So many times, I wanted to take that train to a distant city and assimilate my life to theirs, but the fear of it all leaves me frozen. 

Is it Almost Over?

The end is near, I fear. It didn't last long but in my mind I have already concluded that this simply cannot continue any further.

Last night, I was in class (one of three classes that I have every week), and realized how hectic my week is going to be will all my assignments due (plus work). I get home, feeling a bit overwhelmed, trying hard to fend off a headache. I take an aspirin, but my mind is racing. I can't seem to focus clearly. I have the TV on but not really watching, laying in bed with many thoughts racing all about and then he calls...

If it had been anyone else, I would have ignored the call and resumed a conversation via text, as I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, but against my better judgement, I picked up his call.  After the mandatory salutations and brief concern for each other's day, he wanted to discuss our upcoming date for the weekend.

Let me give you a bit of history.
He doesn't have reliable transportation, so regarding our date, he was planning on having his two female friends (Lesbians) join us. 

He mentions to me that his friends want to go only to a certain place, and in a certain area (+ lesbian females, - gay males). Because on our previous date, I made it quite clear that we will have to meet at a half-way point, our next "date" will have to be in the East Los Angeles adjacent area... seeing how this area is void of gay-friendly establishments, he is having a hard time committing to a place, especially because he wants to go dancing after dinner. Finally, I asked, 1) do your friends have to come? and 2) Can't you rent a car? or something? I mean really.

What irks me about this conversation with him is that he's the one that wants to meet. I certainly do not wish to travel to West Hollywood every single time he gets an itch and wants to see me. Specially because I live near the Orange County border, nearly a 30 mile commute traveling one way). 

Obviously sounding exasperated, I tell him that things have changed for me and that this weekend seems really inopportune for me to make any plans outside of my home. I have too many assignments and after this weekend we can discuss rescheduling another date night. It is only appropriate, I think. Seeming defeated over the phone, he says to me that it is his fault but that if I can be patient, soon he'll have a reliable mode of transportation.

So I am perplexed. I know I share some fault in this, specially because I let this draw out for too long. But I simply cannot understand the roles that certain people play. For the most part, people want to portray their best "self" when embarking on a new love, or something like it. Right?!  Even though, I am flawed like every other person out there. I wish to exemplify character traits that I could find appealing in a potential mate. Personally, I strive and make an effort when there is something outside of me that can serve as an obstacle. In this case, lets say, I was the one without transportation... I would exhaust my resources in an effort to go and see him, if that is what I wanted to do. Knowing that I would have to take public transportation, I would call for an earlier meet up time. These are things that I have done in the past and things that I would continue to do, if that is how I proved that I was interested in someone. His lack of effort is disappointing and disenchanting, to say the least.

Disney sold me a dream, I do not believe can really happen. Where is my knight in shinning armor? a Prince Charming?! I know that is not realistic but come on?! Am I asking for too much? I just want a tall boy with his own car and a disposable income... because I am a tall boy with my own car and a disposable income!!