Te Extraño

A veces me levanto extrañándote; deseando verte una vez más, añorándote, pidiéndole a Dios tenerte a mi lado una vez más.

Pero habrás encontrado hogar en brazos ajenos? Alguien te hará acobijado del frio de la soledad? Ellos no entenderán de que tu todavía serás mío.  Y a mi lado nunca tendrás frio. Cariños y caricias, cualquiera podrá darte. Pero amor como el nuestro, siempre fue un arte. Y aunque no estés a mi lado, y en mi no deseaste ese calor que solo yo te pude dar. Por mi, siempre serás mi amor.

Aunque nunca te ame, aunque nunca te di parte de mi. Yo te pude amar como nadie lo ha hecho hasta hoy. Al fin, me rechazaste por ser quien soy. No podrás dejarme ir. Porque sabes que nuestra historia no se ha terminado. Pero está bien. Te irás y regresaras, por querer estar a mi lado. Sabes lo que valgo. Muy dentro de ti, sabes muy bien y sigues aquí. Aunque hoy soy yo el que te rechaze.

Haunted by my past.

He appears as quickly as he vanished from my life, nearly four years ago. I still remember the actions that eventually caused me walk away. You see, we met under circumstances that were not ideal but whether it was intoxication or the whirlwind of newness that brought him into my life, the point is that he would become my boyfriend.

The relationship was lived rather shortly. In that time, he drank too much and I did not have the patience to be tied down. Unbeknownst to him, I was having a fling with a person who did not take me serious, but I would have given it all for him.

It happens to me all the time. When I find someone I can see myself with, I go and meet someone else who distracts me.

I called this man my boyfriend, but to him I was property. Short of having a GPS embedded in my skin, he needed to know where I was at all times. Personally, he says that he was intuitive and felt that someone else was winning me over. While I never confirmed it, he was right.

In the words of Jewel, “the heart can hallucinate when it is starved for love.” Four years later, he would come back into my life, asking to rekindle what was once a fire.

I just do not know how to let him back in. I have built walls so thick that no one would consider breaking through and now this man is asking for a piece of my heart and I just don’t know how to undo all of this work.

I said that I would be willing to get to know this version of him. The man I knew him to be was dark and hurt, and fragile. I too was damaged goods. I have changed from the person I used to be. He claims to have done the same. Now, he is asking me to get to know him all over again.

I just feel like I cannot allow myself to be invested this time around because I do not want to feel like I have become desperate for a relationship. I feel the emptiness and in my mind, I think that he is trying to exploit that in me. However, I will allow myself to get to know him and I will reintroduce myself to him. It always felt like our story was never complete. And while I do not expect to have a happy ending, I do expect to end this chapter.

Is the world still turning round?

Because the age old question is continuously asked, I presume that yes, the world is still turning on its axis.

I have a friend (well maybe no longer a friend...) but someone in my life that I used to share and confide in. Close to a best friend as a work relationship would allow, I guess. Yes, we worked together. We'd spent our lunches together and have happy hour Tuesdays and Theatre Wednesdays. We'd spend the weekends together on random excursions. We'd even travel together. Share beds and the warmth of the covers. See, we were pretty close indeed.

We had plenty of things in common... and then we didn't. We haven't spoken in nearly seven months. We both have strong personalities and maybe that was the detriment of our bond. 

This morning, on my drive to the office. I realized that a part of me misses her. I miss her for the company mostly. We would go to the theatre often. We'd go to beauty expo's and really anything, just for shits and giggles. We would eat at random places just for the sake of being adventurous. And while, she has not taken anything away from me. I am still free to do all the things that we did in each other's company. However, I don't believe that I have many friends who have the resources and the patience to do the many things that my friend and I would set out to do. 

I secretly wish (maybe not so secret, after all) that I had friends who could easily pack up and travel on a whim, just for the sake of getting out of town.  I know spending a Saturday at the museum doesn't sound too appealing to many people out there... but it's always an adventure for me. 

The travel expo is coming up, here in Los Angeles. To simply grab the friends and say "lets go get some ideas of what adventures (or trouble) we can get into. We don't have to leave next week, or the week after. But let's plan it and make the reservations... Why is this so hard? 

On The Verge...

On the verge of saying "Fuck it All." 

It is not my intent to send mixed signals to the universe. They say, "it is what you seek, that most evades you." Well yes, I seek so many things that I could never find. 

and so, I am at a fork in the road. While I see friends and loved ones who effortlessly find what I seek, bitterly, I extend my congratulatory praise. I don't mean to diminish their glow for their newly found treasures. But I hold to my faith and wish for the same mercy. I, too, wish to find my treasure.

So sure, not everyone's path is the same and I understand this, but can I get a break, really! 

Professionally and academically,  I have garnered many successes. Although, this is not mirrored in my personal life.The sad reality is that, the loved ones in whom I've been witness to their found treasures, do not have professional successes or even academic merits. Although that statement has no value, it is intended to justify my accomplishments. 

Change is difficult. 

So many times, have I wanted to start the ball rolling, this task has been more than a feat. 

I have wanted to make the changes necessary in my life but the unfamiliarity of it all, makes me hesitate. 

How I admire those who can easily pick up their belongings and transplant themselves to other locations. 

So many times, I wanted to take that train to a distant city and assimilate my life to theirs, but the fear of it all leaves me frozen. 

Desperately seeking him...

I'm here and you are not.

I miss you.

I want to run into the middle of the streets and scream out your name,but I know that I could never find you.