Love, Anew?

It has been years since I have uttered the words, Love; much less to another person.

You see, I gave up on love, so long ago. It’s just not something that I have enjoyed.  The start is always exciting and enticing and dare I say, addicting?! But towards to the middle, it starts to feel like it’s an anchor and you’re about to drown. So very suffocating.

And maybe it’s simply been the men that I have fallen for. Maybe their love was suffocating. Maybe, I just don’t know how to love or even allow myself to be loved.

My storied past has been one of lackluster love entanglements ( for a lack of better words).  But today,  I find myself on the onset of a budding love interest.

It goes back to my Starbucks crush.  Yes, him. 

I know this is nothing significant. I mean, I still don’t know his name and I can’t find the courage to even ask him his name.  none the less, my small time crush on this guy, makes me miss the days when I was in a relationship. 

Of course, I am not thinking of dating this guy, I don’t even know if he’s gay.   

But I think perhaps it is time that I think of a relationship.  Like, it’s been a while since my last relationship, but in all honesty. I wasn’t even in love.  It’s been longer still since I have been in a relationship where I was in love.  Is it even possible at this time?

Time to Extinguish those Embers.

It is true.

 Your birthday is coming up. I know this! However, I cannot send you a birthday card because I do not want you to think that there are still glowing embers where there once was a roaring flame. 

I went out of my way to get you a birthday card, but there is no sense in sending it to you because 1) I deleted your contact info and erased your home address and 2) I would have to research your business address in order for me to get you this card.

You see, the level of effort is too much to retrieve such information.

But for your birthday, I continue to wish for you many blessings. Most importantly, I wish you find that which will bring you happiness. 

P.S. Over these last few years, I regret that we weren’t better people to each other.  Maybe we could’ve been exactly what we needed from each other.  There were too many things we had in common but not enough to keep us together.  And I know this means very little to a broken heart but we were already broken when we came together. 

You see, it’s better that we’re not connected anymore.  At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

But I don’t harbor any ill feelings for you, and I hope that when you think of me, you think of me (if you ever do) that you wish for me nothing but the best.

Friendship.

This morning I read a story in the newspaper that absolutely made me tear up. The story of two friends and their tragic end.

What affected me the most about this story is that they were seniors who maintained a 30+ year friendship. They went for morning walks. Unbeknownst to them, this is how it would end. While on their way to their usual morning meet up spot, the eldest friend (101 yrs old), would be run over by a hit and run driver.  The younger friend (93 yrs old), walking up to the meet up spot would see the commotion and his dear friend lying on the ground. The newspaper quoted the man, “I just wanted to fall on the ground right next to him.”

I long to have a friend like this. Someone who would care for me this much they could not live without me. Likewise, I could not live without them. Just seems like this friendship transcends this lifetime.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the friends that I have near me. I would drop everything I have going on for them, should they need me and I would hope the same goes for them.

It’s just that, I have never had to test their loyalty. So I really don’t know what they would do, should I need to call upon them. I know that I cannot do this alone. I will not be able to survive otherwise.

Once bitten, twice shy

The fall always makes me think of you. I wish I could say that the cold reminds me of you. But cold weather is not something that happens in Southern California.

Maybe it’s the precursor to the holidays. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling nostalgic. I really can’t pinpoint why it is that I recently thought of you. Perhaps you’ve been calling me with your mind. But I remembered that your birthday is coming up and so I decided to buy you a birthday card.

In all honesty, it is not my intention to reach out to you. I think because of our salty experiences, it is just easiest not to contact you.  And maybe that’s why you haven’t called or emailed.

Dare I say it, I hold you dear in my heart and truly that is what may have sparked the thought to get you a card and let you know that I care.

But I wonder, how it will be received. Should I even bother? I asked around, and people advised me against contacting you. They said, “the dreaded ex is like the plague.”  While I don’t consider you like the plague, I definitely think twice before reaching out. I don’t want to give either of us a glimmer of hope that the embers can spark up again.

I guess lately, I have been thinking about you more frequently. I wonder how your life is. I hope that you have found what you are looking for. I hope that you are happy. Sincerely.