Where do I begin... to tell this story?

The start is always a good place to start but it gives you too many unnecessary details that bias your judgement. Sometimes, the details that we already know help to construct the story we need to tell without having to go ALL the way back to the beginning. See, all those details no longer apply.

When I think of the times I have been in love, I realize that I have always given too much of myself. But you see, that's what you do when you're in love, right? You give all that you can and then some.

Can you give soo much that you become empty? or does it continuously replenish so that you can continue to give and give? I think of it like oxygen, in order for breathable air to be available, other particles must do their work in order to have air. Otherwise, all that there would be left, is exhaust.

I hope that analogy made some kind of sense to some of you.

Haunted by my past.

He appears as quickly as he vanished from my life, nearly four years ago. I still remember the actions that eventually caused me walk away. You see, we met under circumstances that were not ideal but whether it was intoxication or the whirlwind of newness that brought him into my life, the point is that he would become my boyfriend.

The relationship was lived rather shortly. In that time, he drank too much and I did not have the patience to be tied down. Unbeknownst to him, I was having a fling with a person who did not take me serious, but I would have given it all for him.

It happens to me all the time. When I find someone I can see myself with, I go and meet someone else who distracts me.

I called this man my boyfriend, but to him I was property. Short of having a GPS embedded in my skin, he needed to know where I was at all times. Personally, he says that he was intuitive and felt that someone else was winning me over. While I never confirmed it, he was right.

In the words of Jewel, “the heart can hallucinate when it is starved for love.” Four years later, he would come back into my life, asking to rekindle what was once a fire.

I just do not know how to let him back in. I have built walls so thick that no one would consider breaking through and now this man is asking for a piece of my heart and I just don’t know how to undo all of this work.

I said that I would be willing to get to know this version of him. The man I knew him to be was dark and hurt, and fragile. I too was damaged goods. I have changed from the person I used to be. He claims to have done the same. Now, he is asking me to get to know him all over again.

I just feel like I cannot allow myself to be invested this time around because I do not want to feel like I have become desperate for a relationship. I feel the emptiness and in my mind, I think that he is trying to exploit that in me. However, I will allow myself to get to know him and I will reintroduce myself to him. It always felt like our story was never complete. And while I do not expect to have a happy ending, I do expect to end this chapter.

Misery loves Company

Misery loves company. Yes, we know this. 

He recently reached out to me, asking for my home address. Says he wants to send a traditional Christmas card. I haven't responded to him yet. Don't believe that I will. 

A running theme with me is "strange love." He was the strangest love that I have known. 

Although, I can't begin to quantify my love for him. I must admit that I cared a great deal for his well-being. Surely, that must mean something!? 

The story of Us was short. He tried feeding me his insecurities. I refused. I have always  considered myself to be a complete person, never looking for my "other half." I want another complete person, so that we can accompany each other on this journey. Like myself, he was greatly flawed but it seemed as thou we complemented each other. 

it was when he yelled at me that I could no longer take it. accusing me of faltering, when I never did. in retrospect, it was his insecurities that warped his perception. He saw a reality that was not complete. 

That night was when I said my goodbye forever. 

But he persisted. Coming in and out of my life over the last few years. 

Thinking I could befriend an ex-lover. I was wrong.

I have never been one to befriend a lover. I don't get that concept. If I don't want to be with you romantically, what makes anyone think that we can be friends? I obviously don't like a certain part of you to want to spend time with you otherwise. 

For whatever reason, my exes want to continue to be friends. again, I don't get it.  <hairflip>

Overwhelmed...

December 9, 2012

A few nights ago, I went out on a date to go see a theatre show, here in Los Angeles, CA. I saw "Anything Goes" and it was quite hysterical. So hysterical in fact that I was in stitches practically the whole night.

Well almost.

Have I mentioned that I was on a date?
My date was most interested in me teaching him how to use "Instagram" instead of being interested in learning more about me. Granted, there weren't a lot of opportunities to converse, since we were at a show.

Although, I already made the decision to end this "friendship". I was still open minded to learn more about him and expose myself to seeing the beauty in him.

I told him I'd see him at 7pm and I showed up on time. In my haste, I decided that I needed a drink to deal with him. As I am placing my order for a gin and tonic, I call him to inform him that I have arrived and so that we can meet up. It is now 7:35 or so, when we actually meet up. During this time, the gin and tonic came and went. I met up with him and he asked if I was ready to go inside. I said "sure!" We go inside and lo' and behold, suddenly all the people that he "knows" come out of the woodwork to come and meet me. After a quick "meet and greet" with his "friends," I am left to fend for myself as he was asked away to go take pictures by the Christmas tree inside the theatre house.

Since I was left to my own devices, I went to the nearest bar and told the bartender, "looks like I am gonna need some alcohol to sedate me and not blow up on this nigga." I get my second gin and tonic. By the time that I am done with my drink... it is now time to take our seats. We sit and during this time, he is approached by a couple more "friends" and I do my best to ignore them. Fast forward to 5 minutes later, I teach him how to upload a picture to instagram and then the show starts.

The first act was hysterical. I was in stitches the whole time. The actors were amazing and the performances were on point. The musical numbers were wonderful and I was literally humming along. I'm kind of annoying in the theatre.

During the intermission, he didn't wish to go to the foyer. So we sat there and I perused the Performances Magazine. He was people-watching and the only conversation he initiated was, "You don't tend to check other guys out," I replied, "well I thought I was on a date." Further, he also asked if I wanted to go to dinner after the show. Internally, I was thinking this guy is a fucking joke and I had to ask myself, why do I continue to associate myself with someone so low.

The second act was decent. The numbers were in line with the performances prior to the intermission. However, at this point the show reached its intensity and was now gradually coming to a close, completing the story lines.

After the show ended and we were now exiting the show. He says that he needs to get his personal belongings. I tell him that  I will wait for him outside the doors. 20 minutes later, I see a glimpse of him in the distance saying goodbye to his friends. and I'm like ugh! I'm already fed up.

We go to my car and as I am exiting the carport, I asked "where to?" and he asked me if I was still in the mood for dinner?, I replied, I must get home. Where am I dropping you off? he asked if I can take him home. I said, sure! During this point, any initiation of conversation is quickly shot down by my dry and short answers. I choose not to elaborate. I am tired and I am at the point where anything he may say will release the inner bitch within me. So I try my hardest to be mindful of his feelings.

Finally as I am getting on the 101 freeway out of downtown Los Angeles, towards his residence. He turns to me and says, "you know, I really think that we will be better as friends, instead of lovers." I start chuckling. I am at the light, exiting the freeway on Santa Monica Blvd, I turn to him and say, "You're a great person, I know this, but I don't think we can be friends either." Puzzled he says, "did I say something wrong?" To which, I replied, "You didn't say anything wrong. The problem is that you didn't say anything at all. We don't have any chemistry and it was obvious tonight. Further, I don't see you in my short term and long term plans, so WHY even bother keeping up the facade?!, let us just end this now and on good terms!"

He agreed and as he got out of my car, he turns to me and says, "We'll be in touch?", I reply, "No, we won't, but take care of yourself."

He Called...

He is nowhere near. In fact, he's 7052 miles away from me, on the other side of the world.

But he called me. Late for me, too early for him. but he left a voice mail message saying how much he missed me. This is why it is that I want to run to his arms every single time I see him. But my better judgement prohibits from reaching out to him. Strange Love.

So sick of this game. tired of the premise. no one ever wins.

I can't deny that I miss him most when he calls me and tells me that I am his.

But sadly, our story is one that cannot persist, at least not in this life time.

It reminds me of the scene from Memoirs of a Geisha, when Sayuri and the Chairman meet at the end and she says to him, "Can't you see? Every step I have taken, since I was that child on the bridge, has been to bring myself closer to you."

Well this is exactly how I feel when he is near.

Why does he have a hold on me?

The Desiderata, Max Ehrman, 1927

Most recently, I came across The Desiderata, a poem written in 1927 and credited to Max Ehrman. The wisdom detailed below is timeless. 

The Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, 

and remember what peace there may be in silence. 

As far as possible, without surrender, 

be on good terms with all persons. 

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; 

and listen to others, 

even to the dull and the ignorant; 

they too have their story. 

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; 

they are vexatious to the spirit. 

If you compare yourself with others, 

you may become vain or bitter, 

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; 

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. 

Exercise caution in your business affairs, 

for the world is full of trickery. 

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; 

many persons strive for high ideals, 

and everywhere life is full of heroism. 

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. 

Neither be cynical about love, 

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, 

it is as perennial as the grass. 

Take kindly the counsel of the years, 

gracefully surrendering the things of youth. 

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. 

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. 

Beyond a wholesome discipline, 

be gentle with yourself. 

You are a child of the universe 

no less than the trees and the stars; 

you have a right to be here. 

And whether or not it is clear to you, 

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

Therefore be at peace with God, 

whatever you conceive Him to be. 

And whatever your labors and aspirations, 

in the noisy confusion of life, 

keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, 

it is still a beautiful world. 

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.