That was then...

I never understood why he could not say what it was that he felt for me.

maybe I couldn't stand to know the truth.

He always promised me the world, he just couldn't deliver most times.

The reality is that I wanted him more than he wanted me.

The facts are, he could never commit.

I am a realist. I know that perhaps he just didn't want to committ to me
and I am okay with that.

What I am not okay with, is him insisting that I waste my time.

He didn't want me and he didn't want anyone else to have me either.

So that was two years of my time. 2 whole years I wasted on someone who had no intention to keep me.

Lesson Learned.

Portrait of a Family.

Have you ever simply woken up from slumber with the most horrid thought in your head?

So horrid in fact, that the mere thought of it all, perturbs your day?!!

This morning, I found myself, somewhere between dream and reality when the thought of losing my father came to me.  Although somewhere along our lives, we switched roles. He is now like my child, and I am the protector.  It is he, who comes to me to make the family decisions.  It is he, who needs to be protected from the outside world, and sometimes from the inside too. Not having lived the life I would have wanted for myself. From an early age, I felt I needed to assume a role I did not want.  Nonetheless, I faced the world with a brave face, or as brave as I knew how to be, at the time.

At this point in my life, after having overcome some struggles, the thought of losing a parent scares me.  Even though, I am aware that loss is inevitable, and I know that both of my parents have complicated health. The real fear is not in losing a parent. The fear is in losing my family.

See, we come from a rather small family, just one sister and one cousin.  My father’s side of 
the family is getting older now and I see the candle of their life flickering. My mother’s side of the family is virtually non-existent; she has three sisters who bore no children. My parents have been married for 35 years. So many years that they have lived together and they have never been apart. If I were to lose my father first, I know in my heart that my mother could overcome it because she is strong. However, with the loss of my mother, I know that my dad would give into his ailments and die.

What then?

While, I still have my youth, I certainly do not have the stamina to continue doing what people my age do. Do I focus on my career? Do I give up? Do I create a new family? Should I fall in love? There are just too
many questions with no real answers.

The type of relationship that I have with my sister is not very conventional. Truly, it feels like we have been strangers who come together for short periods and we are forced to be in the same room. Now, do not get me wrong! We get along great when we do not annoy each other but with her anger management problem, getting along is a rare moment.  In essence, we do not have the type of relationship that would make either of us put in any effort. Mother always asked me to be the bigger person and simply ignore her grievances, even though I have the scars that could never let me do just that. I cannot imagine my sister reaching out to me after the loss of both my parents.

Which brings me to the point, what will I do when my parents are gone, with no family to look after?  Losing a parent is never easy. I have been a witness to friends who have lost their parents and years later, still mourn their loss. I cannot imagine it getting any easier the older I get.

So now, you see why this thought awoke me from my slumber?!

Afraid to say...

familiar faces in stranger places

I see your face in the strangest of places. Why does it haunt me still?! 

From my tumblr feed, to random pictures my friends posts. Sometimes even when I am out getting coffee. I will randomly see fragmented pieces of what I recognize as your face. 

I know you may think it strange, but I really do see your face. I was out putting gas in my car, I looked over and saw I young man getting out of his car. I looked over to the passenger seat, only to see your face looking back at me. Instantly choking back the excitement from my face, I realized it was not you, but a total stranger, who by mere coincidence looked a lot like you when you used to look at me with love in your eyes. 

See, that look you would give me was so uniquely you. from your wry smile to your facetious nature. 

See this happens all the time and it saddens my heart that you're no longer near. 

I wonder if you ever see my face in the strangers that you meet? 

Perhaps we've lived so many lives together, that now we must be apart.  But I long for your touch. I long for your embrace. Seeming distant and aloof on the surface; I could never let you know that you have me under your spell, but if you touch me one time, you'll see me reappear.

  

Bittersweet Goodbyes

Goodbyes have never been good to me.

Sometimes, my heart is pained with the thought of saying goodbye to people I care for. Why must I be plagued with such emotion?

On my last day at the office, I was stricken with such grieve, to such an extend that I could not bare to vocalize the words to anyone I worked with. Very few people knew of my separation from the project and even less people wished me a fond farewell.  I remember walking into the building.. heading straight to the 5th floor, quietly exiting the elevator and making my way to the PMO office. I quietly placed my belongings at the desk of one of the coordinators. I remember looking up, saying hello and turning to make a run for it. However, One person specifically called out to me and said, "what kind of a goodbye is that?" I turned to face him and walked toward him. I remember my words were short with the bravest smile I could muster. I wished everyone success in their roles and to rest knowing that I was taken care off.

See, it would have broken my heart to say that despite knowing my circumstance, I was unsuccessful in securing placement on another project. So I concocted a story that I had something on the horizon. And while this was true at the time. The reality is that things fell through.

Today, I find myself on the unemployment line, looking for work. Like many other people, trying to secure employment. All I really want, is employment with an organization that will know how to utilize my skills.Somehow, this feels like I am asking for too much.

Confident in my skillset, I am comforted knowing that I can achieve it, I can gain employment with a firm that will have a proper place for me within their structure.

Love.

I have to believe...

Just a thought

Some days, when the rain pours hard enough, I feel my worries wash away.

Some nights, when sleep is hard to come by, I count my blessings so many times, until I am reassured that I have more blessings than woes. 

It is often so easy to be blinded to one's own blessings. We only see what is right in front of us, never seeing past the moment. Always aware, I look to see what the day might send just around the river-bend for me.