In Absentia...

It has been a while since my last post and many things have happened in my life. Some good and some not so good.

Over the Christmas holiday, he came back with a vengeance asking for my hand in marriage. The proposal was rather unorthodox, not a fabled love story by any means. I am rather simple to please and do not require much. However, there are certain things that I will require. I require commitment and conviction. You do not have to be right so long as you believe it with every part of your being.

He called me on Christmas Eve and said, "I just called to ask you one thing. Will you marry me?"

My response was not ideal. I retorted, "Do you have a ring?" his response, "No." I continued on to say other things like, "how was your day? What are your plans for xmas? How did you spent your birthday?

The truth is, had he said, "Yes, I have a ring for you." My response would have been automatic and emphatically, "Yes!” But you see, his lack of commitment in getting a ring prior to asking made me believe that he was not serious about "US," and if he couldn't commit then why should I?

Now, it has been several weeks since that unfortunate day that I received a marriage proposal over the phone. We have gone out a couple of times, too. He, in fact, did change. He no longer drinks or smokes. Over the last outing, he bought me three drinks and I felt like such a lush since I was the only one drinking alcoholic beverages. Ironically, I do not need to drink to have a good time, but since he kept buying, I kept drinking. I felt utter disappointment in myself by continuing to drink in front of him. However, he took advantage of this opportunity by asking me direct questions about us. As they say, drunks and small children will tell you no lies. I told him everything that was weighing on my chest about our situation and I said this with his feelings in mind. I delivered the blows gently (or so I thought). After our night out, he took me to dinner/breakfast; at this point, my drunkenness got the better of me and started to sabotage our evening by making wry comments about what I want. Of course, he could not provide these things. Even more reasons why I knew that I was messing up.

Despite the circumstances, I am sure now that I do not want a relationship. Not with him, nor anyone else. I do not believe that I am physically or emotionally ready to take on a relationship. I must work out some critical issues before giving into a relationship. Recently, I went out with my longtime friend and she confirmed this thought.

I simply hope that I can work my issues out before it becomes too late.

Haunted by my past.

He appears as quickly as he vanished from my life, nearly four years ago. I still remember the actions that eventually caused me walk away. You see, we met under circumstances that were not ideal but whether it was intoxication or the whirlwind of newness that brought him into my life, the point is that he would become my boyfriend.

The relationship was lived rather shortly. In that time, he drank too much and I did not have the patience to be tied down. Unbeknownst to him, I was having a fling with a person who did not take me serious, but I would have given it all for him.

It happens to me all the time. When I find someone I can see myself with, I go and meet someone else who distracts me.

I called this man my boyfriend, but to him I was property. Short of having a GPS embedded in my skin, he needed to know where I was at all times. Personally, he says that he was intuitive and felt that someone else was winning me over. While I never confirmed it, he was right.

In the words of Jewel, “the heart can hallucinate when it is starved for love.” Four years later, he would come back into my life, asking to rekindle what was once a fire.

I just do not know how to let him back in. I have built walls so thick that no one would consider breaking through and now this man is asking for a piece of my heart and I just don’t know how to undo all of this work.

I said that I would be willing to get to know this version of him. The man I knew him to be was dark and hurt, and fragile. I too was damaged goods. I have changed from the person I used to be. He claims to have done the same. Now, he is asking me to get to know him all over again.

I just feel like I cannot allow myself to be invested this time around because I do not want to feel like I have become desperate for a relationship. I feel the emptiness and in my mind, I think that he is trying to exploit that in me. However, I will allow myself to get to know him and I will reintroduce myself to him. It always felt like our story was never complete. And while I do not expect to have a happy ending, I do expect to end this chapter.

That was then...

I never understood why he could not say what it was that he felt for me.

maybe I couldn't stand to know the truth.

He always promised me the world, he just couldn't deliver most times.

The reality is that I wanted him more than he wanted me.

The facts are, he could never commit.

I am a realist. I know that perhaps he just didn't want to committ to me
and I am okay with that.

What I am not okay with, is him insisting that I waste my time.

He didn't want me and he didn't want anyone else to have me either.

So that was two years of my time. 2 whole years I wasted on someone who had no intention to keep me.

Lesson Learned.

Just a thought

Some days, when the rain pours hard enough, I feel my worries wash away.

Some nights, when sleep is hard to come by, I count my blessings so many times, until I am reassured that I have more blessings than woes. 

It is often so easy to be blinded to one's own blessings. We only see what is right in front of us, never seeing past the moment. Always aware, I look to see what the day might send just around the river-bend for me. 

Friendship Rings

This weekend, while working at my side job, a long time work friend approached me.

See, we have been working together for what seems like the longest time, nearly seven years. He and I have always had this off-the-wall relationship. We constantly flirt with each other. However, for various reasons, I have never taken him seriously with any of the things that he says to me. And so, because of this, we have gone through our phases of heated sexual-chemistry to cold nonchalant interactions.  

He makes public declarations to other work associates about how he is attracted to me. Further, he tells my boss all the time how he wants me to go over to his place of residence or how he wants to have a better relationship with me. 

I never know how to reply to these declarations because he never vocalizes these declarations to me in private. The reality is that the only declarations he tells me privately are how he wants to engage in a sexual relationship with me. I feel as though, because we work together, I would never engage in just a sexual relationship. I can only imagine how people at work will publicly criticize my character for allowing this to be made public.

So as we sit there, diagonally, across from each other. (I wear a ring on my right hand, with small diamonds encircling the ring, it's less than 1ct.) He sees my ring, shining in the light of the overhead lamp and says to me, "when am I going to get a ring just like yours?" as I looked up to his bright blue eyes, perplexed, I asked, "excuse me?!"

He again says to me that he wants a ring similar to mine. As I calculate my reaction, I simply smile and say that I could never give him a ring like mine because people often confuse it for a wedding band.

He says, "it's okay, we'll just tell people that it is a friendship ring."

Now, it has never occurred to me to have friendship rings with someone other than my best friends. It's really a hard concept for me to grasp; so as I sit there across from this man, I begin to think of how a ring will change the dynamic of our pseudo-relationship. Is this something that I could be prepared for?

Further, my heart tells me that his requests for a ring does not tell me of his true feelings for me. His request for a ring from me, is a materialistic requests for me to buy him something of worth. Which is why I hesitate. I smiled, and simplistically say...."maybe, when we're official."

I'm not a scrooge, I swear!

Today is the 27th of December, and the main holiday "Christmas" is over and done with. While I secretly love the holidays, it becomes harder to actually voice my excitement for Christmas. 

The one thing about the holidays that I absolutely abhor is that people overlook the real meaning of Christmas. It is a time for rejoicing over our blessings and being thankful for sharing the company of loved ones. It is about charity and good will toward men (yes, like strangers and stuff). This often gets overshadowed by greed. I don't understand that logic behind spending massive amounts of time at the mall and purchasing gifts for people who are simply going to return these gifts for something better. I grew up believing that there was a purpose behind each gift. The thought behind the gift is what matters. However, I have personally witnessed persons calculate how many gifts to return to get something else or even request gift cards. See, this to me is what is wrong with the whole Christmas season. I know several retail store clerks who physically dread the after Christmas returns and issuing store credit. Again, This is why I abhor the holidays. No one ever thinks of the good deeds we must do for those less fortunate. 

During these times, I tend to simply not celebrate it. When hearing people complain about the holidays. I mention other religions as options to explore. I mean, really! there are a number of religious organizations that do not celebrate Christmas. For one, I refuse to buy presents for ingrates and rather start giving out boxes of coal. I think people need to start getting a reality check. 

Don't get me wrong. I am not a scrooge. I wholeheartedly believe in the sentiment of the holiday season. When my loved ones have time to spare, I share in their company. I like to treat my friends individually for a dinner date or quality time. Again, if they so choose to spend the time with me. I am a single male with a relatively small family. 90% of my friends are partnered up or have huge families who absorb their time. I understand when these friends simply can't make it. 

I am looking forward when my loved ones stop being ingrates and simply celebrate the Christmas holiday with good will and charity in their hearts. Only then, I can rekindle the flame of the holidays in my heart. 

Misery loves Company

Misery loves company. Yes, we know this. 

He recently reached out to me, asking for my home address. Says he wants to send a traditional Christmas card. I haven't responded to him yet. Don't believe that I will. 

A running theme with me is "strange love." He was the strangest love that I have known. 

Although, I can't begin to quantify my love for him. I must admit that I cared a great deal for his well-being. Surely, that must mean something!? 

The story of Us was short. He tried feeding me his insecurities. I refused. I have always  considered myself to be a complete person, never looking for my "other half." I want another complete person, so that we can accompany each other on this journey. Like myself, he was greatly flawed but it seemed as thou we complemented each other. 

it was when he yelled at me that I could no longer take it. accusing me of faltering, when I never did. in retrospect, it was his insecurities that warped his perception. He saw a reality that was not complete. 

That night was when I said my goodbye forever. 

But he persisted. Coming in and out of my life over the last few years. 

Thinking I could befriend an ex-lover. I was wrong.

I have never been one to befriend a lover. I don't get that concept. If I don't want to be with you romantically, what makes anyone think that we can be friends? I obviously don't like a certain part of you to want to spend time with you otherwise. 

For whatever reason, my exes want to continue to be friends. again, I don't get it.  <hairflip>

Overwhelmed...

December 9, 2012

A few nights ago, I went out on a date to go see a theatre show, here in Los Angeles, CA. I saw "Anything Goes" and it was quite hysterical. So hysterical in fact that I was in stitches practically the whole night.

Well almost.

Have I mentioned that I was on a date?
My date was most interested in me teaching him how to use "Instagram" instead of being interested in learning more about me. Granted, there weren't a lot of opportunities to converse, since we were at a show.

Although, I already made the decision to end this "friendship". I was still open minded to learn more about him and expose myself to seeing the beauty in him.

I told him I'd see him at 7pm and I showed up on time. In my haste, I decided that I needed a drink to deal with him. As I am placing my order for a gin and tonic, I call him to inform him that I have arrived and so that we can meet up. It is now 7:35 or so, when we actually meet up. During this time, the gin and tonic came and went. I met up with him and he asked if I was ready to go inside. I said "sure!" We go inside and lo' and behold, suddenly all the people that he "knows" come out of the woodwork to come and meet me. After a quick "meet and greet" with his "friends," I am left to fend for myself as he was asked away to go take pictures by the Christmas tree inside the theatre house.

Since I was left to my own devices, I went to the nearest bar and told the bartender, "looks like I am gonna need some alcohol to sedate me and not blow up on this nigga." I get my second gin and tonic. By the time that I am done with my drink... it is now time to take our seats. We sit and during this time, he is approached by a couple more "friends" and I do my best to ignore them. Fast forward to 5 minutes later, I teach him how to upload a picture to instagram and then the show starts.

The first act was hysterical. I was in stitches the whole time. The actors were amazing and the performances were on point. The musical numbers were wonderful and I was literally humming along. I'm kind of annoying in the theatre.

During the intermission, he didn't wish to go to the foyer. So we sat there and I perused the Performances Magazine. He was people-watching and the only conversation he initiated was, "You don't tend to check other guys out," I replied, "well I thought I was on a date." Further, he also asked if I wanted to go to dinner after the show. Internally, I was thinking this guy is a fucking joke and I had to ask myself, why do I continue to associate myself with someone so low.

The second act was decent. The numbers were in line with the performances prior to the intermission. However, at this point the show reached its intensity and was now gradually coming to a close, completing the story lines.

After the show ended and we were now exiting the show. He says that he needs to get his personal belongings. I tell him that  I will wait for him outside the doors. 20 minutes later, I see a glimpse of him in the distance saying goodbye to his friends. and I'm like ugh! I'm already fed up.

We go to my car and as I am exiting the carport, I asked "where to?" and he asked me if I was still in the mood for dinner?, I replied, I must get home. Where am I dropping you off? he asked if I can take him home. I said, sure! During this point, any initiation of conversation is quickly shot down by my dry and short answers. I choose not to elaborate. I am tired and I am at the point where anything he may say will release the inner bitch within me. So I try my hardest to be mindful of his feelings.

Finally as I am getting on the 101 freeway out of downtown Los Angeles, towards his residence. He turns to me and says, "you know, I really think that we will be better as friends, instead of lovers." I start chuckling. I am at the light, exiting the freeway on Santa Monica Blvd, I turn to him and say, "You're a great person, I know this, but I don't think we can be friends either." Puzzled he says, "did I say something wrong?" To which, I replied, "You didn't say anything wrong. The problem is that you didn't say anything at all. We don't have any chemistry and it was obvious tonight. Further, I don't see you in my short term and long term plans, so WHY even bother keeping up the facade?!, let us just end this now and on good terms!"

He agreed and as he got out of my car, he turns to me and says, "We'll be in touch?", I reply, "No, we won't, but take care of yourself."