In Absentia...

It has been a while since my last post and many things have happened in my life. Some good and some not so good.

Over the Christmas holiday, he came back with a vengeance asking for my hand in marriage. The proposal was rather unorthodox, not a fabled love story by any means. I am rather simple to please and do not require much. However, there are certain things that I will require. I require commitment and conviction. You do not have to be right so long as you believe it with every part of your being.

He called me on Christmas Eve and said, "I just called to ask you one thing. Will you marry me?"

My response was not ideal. I retorted, "Do you have a ring?" his response, "No." I continued on to say other things like, "how was your day? What are your plans for xmas? How did you spent your birthday?

The truth is, had he said, "Yes, I have a ring for you." My response would have been automatic and emphatically, "Yes!” But you see, his lack of commitment in getting a ring prior to asking made me believe that he was not serious about "US," and if he couldn't commit then why should I?

Now, it has been several weeks since that unfortunate day that I received a marriage proposal over the phone. We have gone out a couple of times, too. He, in fact, did change. He no longer drinks or smokes. Over the last outing, he bought me three drinks and I felt like such a lush since I was the only one drinking alcoholic beverages. Ironically, I do not need to drink to have a good time, but since he kept buying, I kept drinking. I felt utter disappointment in myself by continuing to drink in front of him. However, he took advantage of this opportunity by asking me direct questions about us. As they say, drunks and small children will tell you no lies. I told him everything that was weighing on my chest about our situation and I said this with his feelings in mind. I delivered the blows gently (or so I thought). After our night out, he took me to dinner/breakfast; at this point, my drunkenness got the better of me and started to sabotage our evening by making wry comments about what I want. Of course, he could not provide these things. Even more reasons why I knew that I was messing up.

Despite the circumstances, I am sure now that I do not want a relationship. Not with him, nor anyone else. I do not believe that I am physically or emotionally ready to take on a relationship. I must work out some critical issues before giving into a relationship. Recently, I went out with my longtime friend and she confirmed this thought.

I simply hope that I can work my issues out before it becomes too late.

That was then...

I never understood why he could not say what it was that he felt for me.

maybe I couldn't stand to know the truth.

He always promised me the world, he just couldn't deliver most times.

The reality is that I wanted him more than he wanted me.

The facts are, he could never commit.

I am a realist. I know that perhaps he just didn't want to committ to me
and I am okay with that.

What I am not okay with, is him insisting that I waste my time.

He didn't want me and he didn't want anyone else to have me either.

So that was two years of my time. 2 whole years I wasted on someone who had no intention to keep me.

Lesson Learned.

He Called...

He is nowhere near. In fact, he's 7052 miles away from me, on the other side of the world.

But he called me. Late for me, too early for him. but he left a voice mail message saying how much he missed me. This is why it is that I want to run to his arms every single time I see him. But my better judgement prohibits from reaching out to him. Strange Love.

So sick of this game. tired of the premise. no one ever wins.

I can't deny that I miss him most when he calls me and tells me that I am his.

But sadly, our story is one that cannot persist, at least not in this life time.

It reminds me of the scene from Memoirs of a Geisha, when Sayuri and the Chairman meet at the end and she says to him, "Can't you see? Every step I have taken, since I was that child on the bridge, has been to bring myself closer to you."

Well this is exactly how I feel when he is near.

Why does he have a hold on me?

I hate that I love you so...

Two years ago, I fell in love... he was charming and ideal. "Who wouldn't want him?" I thought!

I remember it like it was just yesterday. I was standing by the bar, nursing my drink... he approached me and called me by name. Surprised, I replied, "Yes, that's me. Who are you?" he introduced himself to me and said, "we have a mutual friend in common and I saw your Facebook profile." Embarrassed he said, "I wasn't stalking you, but I cannot forget your face." 

We exchanged numbers that night and contacted each other periodically. We always made plans to see each other... and how I enjoyed it when I saw him. While we were still strangers, we quickly learned that we had a lot in common. I loved when he complimented me and I enjoyed his embraces. 

We spent a great deal of time together. I was ready to elevate whatever it was that we were developing to the next level. 

Try to imagine my heartache when I saw him embracing someone else. Instantly, my heart cracked and shattered like glass. I saw him in the reflection of the mirror in front of me. He must have felt my eyes piercing his soul. he looked in the mirror to see my reflection there. I quickly wiped away silent tears. He approached me and asked if I was okay. Hastily, I composed myself, and said that all was well... He whispers in my ear, I am sorry if I hurt you....but I love him and I wish to see where this goes. 

Very dignified, I said, "I wish you the best... and hope that you find that which you are searching for."

That night, I deleted him from my Facebook, and from my life. 

I avoided contact with him... even though his friends have reached out to me. They see me in familiar places and approach me, to tell me all about him... 

It has been one year, and I miss him so... He still haunts my memories.