Just a thought

Some days, when the rain pours hard enough, I feel my worries wash away.

Some nights, when sleep is hard to come by, I count my blessings so many times, until I am reassured that I have more blessings than woes. 

It is often so easy to be blinded to one's own blessings. We only see what is right in front of us, never seeing past the moment. Always aware, I look to see what the day might send just around the river-bend for me. 

Friendship Rings

This weekend, while working at my side job, a long time work friend approached me.

See, we have been working together for what seems like the longest time, nearly seven years. He and I have always had this off-the-wall relationship. We constantly flirt with each other. However, for various reasons, I have never taken him seriously with any of the things that he says to me. And so, because of this, we have gone through our phases of heated sexual-chemistry to cold nonchalant interactions.  

He makes public declarations to other work associates about how he is attracted to me. Further, he tells my boss all the time how he wants me to go over to his place of residence or how he wants to have a better relationship with me. 

I never know how to reply to these declarations because he never vocalizes these declarations to me in private. The reality is that the only declarations he tells me privately are how he wants to engage in a sexual relationship with me. I feel as though, because we work together, I would never engage in just a sexual relationship. I can only imagine how people at work will publicly criticize my character for allowing this to be made public.

So as we sit there, diagonally, across from each other. (I wear a ring on my right hand, with small diamonds encircling the ring, it's less than 1ct.) He sees my ring, shining in the light of the overhead lamp and says to me, "when am I going to get a ring just like yours?" as I looked up to his bright blue eyes, perplexed, I asked, "excuse me?!"

He again says to me that he wants a ring similar to mine. As I calculate my reaction, I simply smile and say that I could never give him a ring like mine because people often confuse it for a wedding band.

He says, "it's okay, we'll just tell people that it is a friendship ring."

Now, it has never occurred to me to have friendship rings with someone other than my best friends. It's really a hard concept for me to grasp; so as I sit there across from this man, I begin to think of how a ring will change the dynamic of our pseudo-relationship. Is this something that I could be prepared for?

Further, my heart tells me that his requests for a ring does not tell me of his true feelings for me. His request for a ring from me, is a materialistic requests for me to buy him something of worth. Which is why I hesitate. I smiled, and simplistically say...."maybe, when we're official."

Misery loves Company

Misery loves company. Yes, we know this. 

He recently reached out to me, asking for my home address. Says he wants to send a traditional Christmas card. I haven't responded to him yet. Don't believe that I will. 

A running theme with me is "strange love." He was the strangest love that I have known. 

Although, I can't begin to quantify my love for him. I must admit that I cared a great deal for his well-being. Surely, that must mean something!? 

The story of Us was short. He tried feeding me his insecurities. I refused. I have always  considered myself to be a complete person, never looking for my "other half." I want another complete person, so that we can accompany each other on this journey. Like myself, he was greatly flawed but it seemed as thou we complemented each other. 

it was when he yelled at me that I could no longer take it. accusing me of faltering, when I never did. in retrospect, it was his insecurities that warped his perception. He saw a reality that was not complete. 

That night was when I said my goodbye forever. 

But he persisted. Coming in and out of my life over the last few years. 

Thinking I could befriend an ex-lover. I was wrong.

I have never been one to befriend a lover. I don't get that concept. If I don't want to be with you romantically, what makes anyone think that we can be friends? I obviously don't like a certain part of you to want to spend time with you otherwise. 

For whatever reason, my exes want to continue to be friends. again, I don't get it.  <hairflip>

Overwhelmed...

December 9, 2012

A few nights ago, I went out on a date to go see a theatre show, here in Los Angeles, CA. I saw "Anything Goes" and it was quite hysterical. So hysterical in fact that I was in stitches practically the whole night.

Well almost.

Have I mentioned that I was on a date?
My date was most interested in me teaching him how to use "Instagram" instead of being interested in learning more about me. Granted, there weren't a lot of opportunities to converse, since we were at a show.

Although, I already made the decision to end this "friendship". I was still open minded to learn more about him and expose myself to seeing the beauty in him.

I told him I'd see him at 7pm and I showed up on time. In my haste, I decided that I needed a drink to deal with him. As I am placing my order for a gin and tonic, I call him to inform him that I have arrived and so that we can meet up. It is now 7:35 or so, when we actually meet up. During this time, the gin and tonic came and went. I met up with him and he asked if I was ready to go inside. I said "sure!" We go inside and lo' and behold, suddenly all the people that he "knows" come out of the woodwork to come and meet me. After a quick "meet and greet" with his "friends," I am left to fend for myself as he was asked away to go take pictures by the Christmas tree inside the theatre house.

Since I was left to my own devices, I went to the nearest bar and told the bartender, "looks like I am gonna need some alcohol to sedate me and not blow up on this nigga." I get my second gin and tonic. By the time that I am done with my drink... it is now time to take our seats. We sit and during this time, he is approached by a couple more "friends" and I do my best to ignore them. Fast forward to 5 minutes later, I teach him how to upload a picture to instagram and then the show starts.

The first act was hysterical. I was in stitches the whole time. The actors were amazing and the performances were on point. The musical numbers were wonderful and I was literally humming along. I'm kind of annoying in the theatre.

During the intermission, he didn't wish to go to the foyer. So we sat there and I perused the Performances Magazine. He was people-watching and the only conversation he initiated was, "You don't tend to check other guys out," I replied, "well I thought I was on a date." Further, he also asked if I wanted to go to dinner after the show. Internally, I was thinking this guy is a fucking joke and I had to ask myself, why do I continue to associate myself with someone so low.

The second act was decent. The numbers were in line with the performances prior to the intermission. However, at this point the show reached its intensity and was now gradually coming to a close, completing the story lines.

After the show ended and we were now exiting the show. He says that he needs to get his personal belongings. I tell him that  I will wait for him outside the doors. 20 minutes later, I see a glimpse of him in the distance saying goodbye to his friends. and I'm like ugh! I'm already fed up.

We go to my car and as I am exiting the carport, I asked "where to?" and he asked me if I was still in the mood for dinner?, I replied, I must get home. Where am I dropping you off? he asked if I can take him home. I said, sure! During this point, any initiation of conversation is quickly shot down by my dry and short answers. I choose not to elaborate. I am tired and I am at the point where anything he may say will release the inner bitch within me. So I try my hardest to be mindful of his feelings.

Finally as I am getting on the 101 freeway out of downtown Los Angeles, towards his residence. He turns to me and says, "you know, I really think that we will be better as friends, instead of lovers." I start chuckling. I am at the light, exiting the freeway on Santa Monica Blvd, I turn to him and say, "You're a great person, I know this, but I don't think we can be friends either." Puzzled he says, "did I say something wrong?" To which, I replied, "You didn't say anything wrong. The problem is that you didn't say anything at all. We don't have any chemistry and it was obvious tonight. Further, I don't see you in my short term and long term plans, so WHY even bother keeping up the facade?!, let us just end this now and on good terms!"

He agreed and as he got out of my car, he turns to me and says, "We'll be in touch?", I reply, "No, we won't, but take care of yourself."

He Called...

He is nowhere near. In fact, he's 7052 miles away from me, on the other side of the world.

But he called me. Late for me, too early for him. but he left a voice mail message saying how much he missed me. This is why it is that I want to run to his arms every single time I see him. But my better judgement prohibits from reaching out to him. Strange Love.

So sick of this game. tired of the premise. no one ever wins.

I can't deny that I miss him most when he calls me and tells me that I am his.

But sadly, our story is one that cannot persist, at least not in this life time.

It reminds me of the scene from Memoirs of a Geisha, when Sayuri and the Chairman meet at the end and she says to him, "Can't you see? Every step I have taken, since I was that child on the bridge, has been to bring myself closer to you."

Well this is exactly how I feel when he is near.

Why does he have a hold on me?

Guilt.

Sometimes, I feel so guilty to even want to seek him out. When he was in the picture, he did a lot of harm. Never satisfied with what he had in front of him, he was always looking for something better. I learned lessons with him being here that I would not have learned otherwise. I learned to be strong, to be independent. I learned to never accept less than what I deserve.

With all of that said, I can't help but miss him. And so I realize that its complete and utter torture, knowing that both he and I are better off with keeping him at a distance.

Just last night, on my way home from a night out, I realized that I have his number, I sent him a simple message... "Hello."

To my surprise, he replied instantly, "I miss you."

Is it Almost Over?

The end is near, I fear. It didn't last long but in my mind I have already concluded that this simply cannot continue any further.

Last night, I was in class (one of three classes that I have every week), and realized how hectic my week is going to be will all my assignments due (plus work). I get home, feeling a bit overwhelmed, trying hard to fend off a headache. I take an aspirin, but my mind is racing. I can't seem to focus clearly. I have the TV on but not really watching, laying in bed with many thoughts racing all about and then he calls...

If it had been anyone else, I would have ignored the call and resumed a conversation via text, as I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, but against my better judgement, I picked up his call.  After the mandatory salutations and brief concern for each other's day, he wanted to discuss our upcoming date for the weekend.

Let me give you a bit of history.
He doesn't have reliable transportation, so regarding our date, he was planning on having his two female friends (Lesbians) join us. 

He mentions to me that his friends want to go only to a certain place, and in a certain area (+ lesbian females, - gay males). Because on our previous date, I made it quite clear that we will have to meet at a half-way point, our next "date" will have to be in the East Los Angeles adjacent area... seeing how this area is void of gay-friendly establishments, he is having a hard time committing to a place, especially because he wants to go dancing after dinner. Finally, I asked, 1) do your friends have to come? and 2) Can't you rent a car? or something? I mean really.

What irks me about this conversation with him is that he's the one that wants to meet. I certainly do not wish to travel to West Hollywood every single time he gets an itch and wants to see me. Specially because I live near the Orange County border, nearly a 30 mile commute traveling one way). 

Obviously sounding exasperated, I tell him that things have changed for me and that this weekend seems really inopportune for me to make any plans outside of my home. I have too many assignments and after this weekend we can discuss rescheduling another date night. It is only appropriate, I think. Seeming defeated over the phone, he says to me that it is his fault but that if I can be patient, soon he'll have a reliable mode of transportation.

So I am perplexed. I know I share some fault in this, specially because I let this draw out for too long. But I simply cannot understand the roles that certain people play. For the most part, people want to portray their best "self" when embarking on a new love, or something like it. Right?!  Even though, I am flawed like every other person out there. I wish to exemplify character traits that I could find appealing in a potential mate. Personally, I strive and make an effort when there is something outside of me that can serve as an obstacle. In this case, lets say, I was the one without transportation... I would exhaust my resources in an effort to go and see him, if that is what I wanted to do. Knowing that I would have to take public transportation, I would call for an earlier meet up time. These are things that I have done in the past and things that I would continue to do, if that is how I proved that I was interested in someone. His lack of effort is disappointing and disenchanting, to say the least.

Disney sold me a dream, I do not believe can really happen. Where is my knight in shinning armor? a Prince Charming?! I know that is not realistic but come on?! Am I asking for too much? I just want a tall boy with his own car and a disposable income... because I am a tall boy with my own car and a disposable income!!

The Desiderata, Max Ehrman, 1927

Most recently, I came across The Desiderata, a poem written in 1927 and credited to Max Ehrman. The wisdom detailed below is timeless. 

The Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, 

and remember what peace there may be in silence. 

As far as possible, without surrender, 

be on good terms with all persons. 

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; 

and listen to others, 

even to the dull and the ignorant; 

they too have their story. 

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; 

they are vexatious to the spirit. 

If you compare yourself with others, 

you may become vain or bitter, 

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; 

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. 

Exercise caution in your business affairs, 

for the world is full of trickery. 

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; 

many persons strive for high ideals, 

and everywhere life is full of heroism. 

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. 

Neither be cynical about love, 

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, 

it is as perennial as the grass. 

Take kindly the counsel of the years, 

gracefully surrendering the things of youth. 

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. 

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. 

Beyond a wholesome discipline, 

be gentle with yourself. 

You are a child of the universe 

no less than the trees and the stars; 

you have a right to be here. 

And whether or not it is clear to you, 

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

Therefore be at peace with God, 

whatever you conceive Him to be. 

And whatever your labors and aspirations, 

in the noisy confusion of life, 

keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, 

it is still a beautiful world. 

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.