That was then...

I never understood why he could not say what it was that he felt for me.

maybe I couldn't stand to know the truth.

He always promised me the world, he just couldn't deliver most times.

The reality is that I wanted him more than he wanted me.

The facts are, he could never commit.

I am a realist. I know that perhaps he just didn't want to committ to me
and I am okay with that.

What I am not okay with, is him insisting that I waste my time.

He didn't want me and he didn't want anyone else to have me either.

So that was two years of my time. 2 whole years I wasted on someone who had no intention to keep me.

Lesson Learned.

Portrait of a Family.

Have you ever simply woken up from slumber with the most horrid thought in your head?

So horrid in fact, that the mere thought of it all, perturbs your day?!!

This morning, I found myself, somewhere between dream and reality when the thought of losing my father came to me.  Although somewhere along our lives, we switched roles. He is now like my child, and I am the protector.  It is he, who comes to me to make the family decisions.  It is he, who needs to be protected from the outside world, and sometimes from the inside too. Not having lived the life I would have wanted for myself. From an early age, I felt I needed to assume a role I did not want.  Nonetheless, I faced the world with a brave face, or as brave as I knew how to be, at the time.

At this point in my life, after having overcome some struggles, the thought of losing a parent scares me.  Even though, I am aware that loss is inevitable, and I know that both of my parents have complicated health. The real fear is not in losing a parent. The fear is in losing my family.

See, we come from a rather small family, just one sister and one cousin.  My father’s side of 
the family is getting older now and I see the candle of their life flickering. My mother’s side of the family is virtually non-existent; she has three sisters who bore no children. My parents have been married for 35 years. So many years that they have lived together and they have never been apart. If I were to lose my father first, I know in my heart that my mother could overcome it because she is strong. However, with the loss of my mother, I know that my dad would give into his ailments and die.

What then?

While, I still have my youth, I certainly do not have the stamina to continue doing what people my age do. Do I focus on my career? Do I give up? Do I create a new family? Should I fall in love? There are just too
many questions with no real answers.

The type of relationship that I have with my sister is not very conventional. Truly, it feels like we have been strangers who come together for short periods and we are forced to be in the same room. Now, do not get me wrong! We get along great when we do not annoy each other but with her anger management problem, getting along is a rare moment.  In essence, we do not have the type of relationship that would make either of us put in any effort. Mother always asked me to be the bigger person and simply ignore her grievances, even though I have the scars that could never let me do just that. I cannot imagine my sister reaching out to me after the loss of both my parents.

Which brings me to the point, what will I do when my parents are gone, with no family to look after?  Losing a parent is never easy. I have been a witness to friends who have lost their parents and years later, still mourn their loss. I cannot imagine it getting any easier the older I get.

So now, you see why this thought awoke me from my slumber?!

Just a thought

Some days, when the rain pours hard enough, I feel my worries wash away.

Some nights, when sleep is hard to come by, I count my blessings so many times, until I am reassured that I have more blessings than woes. 

It is often so easy to be blinded to one's own blessings. We only see what is right in front of us, never seeing past the moment. Always aware, I look to see what the day might send just around the river-bend for me. 

Friendship Rings

This weekend, while working at my side job, a long time work friend approached me.

See, we have been working together for what seems like the longest time, nearly seven years. He and I have always had this off-the-wall relationship. We constantly flirt with each other. However, for various reasons, I have never taken him seriously with any of the things that he says to me. And so, because of this, we have gone through our phases of heated sexual-chemistry to cold nonchalant interactions.  

He makes public declarations to other work associates about how he is attracted to me. Further, he tells my boss all the time how he wants me to go over to his place of residence or how he wants to have a better relationship with me. 

I never know how to reply to these declarations because he never vocalizes these declarations to me in private. The reality is that the only declarations he tells me privately are how he wants to engage in a sexual relationship with me. I feel as though, because we work together, I would never engage in just a sexual relationship. I can only imagine how people at work will publicly criticize my character for allowing this to be made public.

So as we sit there, diagonally, across from each other. (I wear a ring on my right hand, with small diamonds encircling the ring, it's less than 1ct.) He sees my ring, shining in the light of the overhead lamp and says to me, "when am I going to get a ring just like yours?" as I looked up to his bright blue eyes, perplexed, I asked, "excuse me?!"

He again says to me that he wants a ring similar to mine. As I calculate my reaction, I simply smile and say that I could never give him a ring like mine because people often confuse it for a wedding band.

He says, "it's okay, we'll just tell people that it is a friendship ring."

Now, it has never occurred to me to have friendship rings with someone other than my best friends. It's really a hard concept for me to grasp; so as I sit there across from this man, I begin to think of how a ring will change the dynamic of our pseudo-relationship. Is this something that I could be prepared for?

Further, my heart tells me that his requests for a ring does not tell me of his true feelings for me. His request for a ring from me, is a materialistic requests for me to buy him something of worth. Which is why I hesitate. I smiled, and simplistically say...."maybe, when we're official."

He Called...

He is nowhere near. In fact, he's 7052 miles away from me, on the other side of the world.

But he called me. Late for me, too early for him. but he left a voice mail message saying how much he missed me. This is why it is that I want to run to his arms every single time I see him. But my better judgement prohibits from reaching out to him. Strange Love.

So sick of this game. tired of the premise. no one ever wins.

I can't deny that I miss him most when he calls me and tells me that I am his.

But sadly, our story is one that cannot persist, at least not in this life time.

It reminds me of the scene from Memoirs of a Geisha, when Sayuri and the Chairman meet at the end and she says to him, "Can't you see? Every step I have taken, since I was that child on the bridge, has been to bring myself closer to you."

Well this is exactly how I feel when he is near.

Why does he have a hold on me?

Holding On.

I seem to hold on to things that no longer mean anything to anyone.

Years ago, I was given a beautiful angel of wishes by a friend. At that time, this was a newly developing friendship. Where in I spread my wings and sheltered him, showing him the ways without letting him get hurt. Much like a Guardian angel, I observed and let him decide for himself, never interfering but protecting him still. During that time in my life, I was developing a stronger sense of self and people felt intimidated by it. People were coming in and out of my life with secret intended messages, and so their purposes were limited. But I held on...

This same person I speak off, he is no longer in my life. Biting the hand that feeds you will often result in being striken by that same hand. He bit and in my hurt, I struck him. Now when we see each other we often look the other way. Maybe because we are embarrassed or hurt or a combination of both... But I still hold on.... I see his gift and I wonder why I still hold on...

Maybe i keep the gift because after all it was given... but it no longer means anything to me... it's still beautiful to look at... but it means nothing to me sentimentally. Is there any sense in holding on still?

-Rob