Desperately seeking him...

I'm here and you are not.

I miss you.

I want to run into the middle of the streets and scream out your name,but I know that I could never find you.

He Called...

He is nowhere near. In fact, he's 7052 miles away from me, on the other side of the world.

But he called me. Late for me, too early for him. but he left a voice mail message saying how much he missed me. This is why it is that I want to run to his arms every single time I see him. But my better judgement prohibits from reaching out to him. Strange Love.

So sick of this game. tired of the premise. no one ever wins.

I can't deny that I miss him most when he calls me and tells me that I am his.

But sadly, our story is one that cannot persist, at least not in this life time.

It reminds me of the scene from Memoirs of a Geisha, when Sayuri and the Chairman meet at the end and she says to him, "Can't you see? Every step I have taken, since I was that child on the bridge, has been to bring myself closer to you."

Well this is exactly how I feel when he is near.

Why does he have a hold on me?

I wanted to kiss him...

Friday Night.

More than enough reasons to celebrate. The end of a long week. Pay day. A friend's birthday festivities. 

After having dinner in the company of wonderful people. It was intended that I finish the night in Long Beach. I was accompanied by a party buddy (PB). After the pre-game and binging at the bar, we came across my friend, whose birthday we were celebrating. 

He was accompanied by many people, at least 10 other individuals. After the customary introductions, my PB and I settled and started dancing. While my PB and I danced, PB was busy checking out the individuals accompanying my friend. He was sizing them up and plotting a move on the hottest one of all. So this plan was unsuccessful because the hottest one there, left early with his boyfriend. PB was slightly disappointed, but as they say "on to the next." 

In the group, there was a boy, who was not attractive by conventional standards, but still rather "fuckable." Whether it was the alcohol talking or pure animalistic desire. I set out to make a move. I inched my way closer and made myself approachable for him but the hungry voltures were on the move, a lot faster than myself. In a blink of an eye, a short troll was already grinding on this guy. Since my motto is, "Thou shall not block the cock," I took a step back and let the troll proceed, occasionally yelling out, "get it girl, get it!!"

Since the troll was highly intoxicated, he was escorted off the dance floor fairly quickly. 

I, again, inched my way closer. getting his attention and having him fixate on the sway of my hips, back and forth, back and forth. PB gets between the two of us and before you knew it, I was party of one on the dance floor. 

Not one to compete against my PB, I took the hint and sat my happy ass down. The PB, obviously oblivious to our mating dance and I knew that PB was thirsty that night, I was over it. While I sat and drank my drink, I gleaned over the far distance to see security trying to move my friend, the birthday boy, and remove him from the club. 

Curious to know what was happening, I realized that my friend was virtually immobile from the alcohol, perhaps blacked out? All the while, security was trying to get him to leave the bar. 

As I turn to reach out to PB, I see him making out with the dude I was attracted to and while I was disappointed (not in them making out), but in that my party buddy/ friend was  after a guy i expressed interest in and he expressed NON-interest in the same guy. 

Whatever, #OverIt. 

but I thought, who does that? what kind of a friend would go after someone in whom you've expressed interest in? 

So the night is over. I walk out with my (drunken) friend and decide to take him back to the hotel where he decided to stay. 

I managed to sober up fairly quickly, but I come back to the scene of the crime to try and find the PB, so that we can go home and end this sordid night. 

I found him... and he was looking for the boy. Apparently, the boy left my friend in search of someone else. He was pretty popular that night, obviously making his rounds. 

Thank Goodness that it didn't work out for me. 

Guilt.

Sometimes, I feel so guilty to even want to seek him out. When he was in the picture, he did a lot of harm. Never satisfied with what he had in front of him, he was always looking for something better. I learned lessons with him being here that I would not have learned otherwise. I learned to be strong, to be independent. I learned to never accept less than what I deserve.

With all of that said, I can't help but miss him. And so I realize that its complete and utter torture, knowing that both he and I are better off with keeping him at a distance.

Just last night, on my way home from a night out, I realized that I have his number, I sent him a simple message... "Hello."

To my surprise, he replied instantly, "I miss you."

Love and I

Sometimes I think of my love life and begin to think that Love and I have not been the greatest of friends.

In the words of this song, "I want to love again."

It is interesting to me, how I am successful in other aspects of my life, yet this is the only one where I have shortcomings. And so I keep it moving, what else am I to do?

I am sure that I am not the only one out there who feels this way.