A Friend's Wedding

Today I bore witness to a dear friend's wedding.

Let me preface this story by telling you that I don't like weddings and I don't like going to weddings. I stopped going to church services when my church vocalized their distaste for my "lifestyle."  Of course this was during a time when I, myself, didn't know what that was.  But it proves that messages are heard, loud and clear. Since this time, I was oppose to attending a church service that admonished homosexuals. Plus, the concept of marriage was foreign to me because I am gay and (at the time) wasn't allowed to marry the person I loved. (Thankfully, this is no longer the case in California.)

Regardless of these facts, I still had not stepped inside a place of service. Literally, in the last 10 years.

Today was a day that I will remember for a good while because I bore witness to the union of my friend and her fiance (now her husband). Conversations of romantic involvements and commitments ensued through the night. Looking at the happy faces in the crowds, all of it. had me in awe. For a moment, it even had me in tears.  Now don't go thinking that I am the type of guy that cries at weddings because I am not an easy crier. But tonight I had my heart on my sleeve.

For so many years, I was closed off to the idea that I could marry and so, I closed myself off to the whole concept that I was allowed to love someone else. But today, I have renewed faith that I can love and be loved and our love is not shameful or blasphemic in the eyes of God. Because God is Love.

How dare she...

She actually uttered the words, "and when I die, YOU will care for my child!"
My response was, "isn't that the reason why you choose godparents?!"

I know that I will bear the burden of caring for her child but don't explicitly ask me to do it.

Where do I begin... to tell this story?

The start is always a good place to start but it gives you too many unnecessary details that bias your judgement. Sometimes, the details that we already know help to construct the story we need to tell without having to go ALL the way back to the beginning. See, all those details no longer apply.

When I think of the times I have been in love, I realize that I have always given too much of myself. But you see, that's what you do when you're in love, right? You give all that you can and then some.

Can you give soo much that you become empty? or does it continuously replenish so that you can continue to give and give? I think of it like oxygen, in order for breathable air to be available, other particles must do their work in order to have air. Otherwise, all that there would be left, is exhaust.

I hope that analogy made some kind of sense to some of you.

I Still...

breathe for you.

6 months later...

I intended to maintain this blog much longer than I did. I thought, "I'm such a good story teller, people should be able to read snippets of my 'exhuberant' life." Of course that never happened. Fibs!

But I did intend to share pieces of my life. Sadly, pieces were taken from me and I had nothing left to give. 

But this isn't a pity story about things that may or may not have happened, or things that were or weren't said. It's just a reality of my perception based on the actions that took place. 

Over the last 6 months, many scenarios played out and as it should be expected, some of those scenarios brought serious consequences. 

In my best Beyonce voice, "I haven't been feeling like myself since the baby!."  Yes, there is a baby involved now. Never my own, but like my own skin. You see, this baby is my sister's and based on her circumstances, I may need to assume responsibility for the baby's well being.  That scenario will need to play out, first. 

Subsequently, I have been gainfully employed over the same amount of time, which truly explains why I have been absent (at least on here). 

I guess I am happy. "I guess", being the imperative word. I am at the point where I don't even want my number. I don't want anything that holds me back. I don't want to be a responsible adult. I don't want any of it. I am sick and tired. Mostly sick. Mostly tired. Like it doesn't even make sense to me. The reality is that I feel stifled. Like, where did we fall off? like, when did I become this person!?!