I hate that I love you so...

Two years ago, I fell in love... he was charming and ideal. "Who wouldn't want him?" I thought!

I remember it like it was just yesterday. I was standing by the bar, nursing my drink... he approached me and called me by name. Surprised, I replied, "Yes, that's me. Who are you?" he introduced himself to me and said, "we have a mutual friend in common and I saw your Facebook profile." Embarrassed he said, "I wasn't stalking you, but I cannot forget your face." 

We exchanged numbers that night and contacted each other periodically. We always made plans to see each other... and how I enjoyed it when I saw him. While we were still strangers, we quickly learned that we had a lot in common. I loved when he complimented me and I enjoyed his embraces. 

We spent a great deal of time together. I was ready to elevate whatever it was that we were developing to the next level. 

Try to imagine my heartache when I saw him embracing someone else. Instantly, my heart cracked and shattered like glass. I saw him in the reflection of the mirror in front of me. He must have felt my eyes piercing his soul. he looked in the mirror to see my reflection there. I quickly wiped away silent tears. He approached me and asked if I was okay. Hastily, I composed myself, and said that all was well... He whispers in my ear, I am sorry if I hurt you....but I love him and I wish to see where this goes. 

Very dignified, I said, "I wish you the best... and hope that you find that which you are searching for."

That night, I deleted him from my Facebook, and from my life. 

I avoided contact with him... even though his friends have reached out to me. They see me in familiar places and approach me, to tell me all about him... 

It has been one year, and I miss him so... He still haunts my memories.

Is it Almost Over?

The end is near, I fear. It didn't last long but in my mind I have already concluded that this simply cannot continue any further.

Last night, I was in class (one of three classes that I have every week), and realized how hectic my week is going to be will all my assignments due (plus work). I get home, feeling a bit overwhelmed, trying hard to fend off a headache. I take an aspirin, but my mind is racing. I can't seem to focus clearly. I have the TV on but not really watching, laying in bed with many thoughts racing all about and then he calls...

If it had been anyone else, I would have ignored the call and resumed a conversation via text, as I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, but against my better judgement, I picked up his call.  After the mandatory salutations and brief concern for each other's day, he wanted to discuss our upcoming date for the weekend.

Let me give you a bit of history.
He doesn't have reliable transportation, so regarding our date, he was planning on having his two female friends (Lesbians) join us. 

He mentions to me that his friends want to go only to a certain place, and in a certain area (+ lesbian females, - gay males). Because on our previous date, I made it quite clear that we will have to meet at a half-way point, our next "date" will have to be in the East Los Angeles adjacent area... seeing how this area is void of gay-friendly establishments, he is having a hard time committing to a place, especially because he wants to go dancing after dinner. Finally, I asked, 1) do your friends have to come? and 2) Can't you rent a car? or something? I mean really.

What irks me about this conversation with him is that he's the one that wants to meet. I certainly do not wish to travel to West Hollywood every single time he gets an itch and wants to see me. Specially because I live near the Orange County border, nearly a 30 mile commute traveling one way). 

Obviously sounding exasperated, I tell him that things have changed for me and that this weekend seems really inopportune for me to make any plans outside of my home. I have too many assignments and after this weekend we can discuss rescheduling another date night. It is only appropriate, I think. Seeming defeated over the phone, he says to me that it is his fault but that if I can be patient, soon he'll have a reliable mode of transportation.

So I am perplexed. I know I share some fault in this, specially because I let this draw out for too long. But I simply cannot understand the roles that certain people play. For the most part, people want to portray their best "self" when embarking on a new love, or something like it. Right?!  Even though, I am flawed like every other person out there. I wish to exemplify character traits that I could find appealing in a potential mate. Personally, I strive and make an effort when there is something outside of me that can serve as an obstacle. In this case, lets say, I was the one without transportation... I would exhaust my resources in an effort to go and see him, if that is what I wanted to do. Knowing that I would have to take public transportation, I would call for an earlier meet up time. These are things that I have done in the past and things that I would continue to do, if that is how I proved that I was interested in someone. His lack of effort is disappointing and disenchanting, to say the least.

Disney sold me a dream, I do not believe can really happen. Where is my knight in shinning armor? a Prince Charming?! I know that is not realistic but come on?! Am I asking for too much? I just want a tall boy with his own car and a disposable income... because I am a tall boy with my own car and a disposable income!!

Lazy Sunday...

For the first time in a long while, I have a Sunday to lay about the house and just relax. My darling cat, Precioso, must have been tired too...

With the options on TV dwindling down to virtually nothing, i decided to write an entry for my blog... talk about lazy Sundays. lol

This morning, I had every intention of meeting up a friend for brunch, however that did not work out. I've done my best to ignore calls from people that I do not want to bog me down with their negativity. (They are probably not reading this blog anyways.) I am sure they are out creating more drama for themselves.

As for me, the guy that I am talking to has reached out to me asking me to join him for "Madame Butterfly" which will be premiering at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion  in Downtown Los Angeles soon.. I cannot help it, but I am looking forward to this event. I am already considering what to have for dinner before the show.

In other aspects of my life, I am making more of an effort to reach out to people in my life. I wish to create a solid infrastructure of people in my life and ridding myself of people that no longer serve a purpose.

He finds me Intimidating...

In conversation, he said he finds me intimidating... is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Truth is, he is not the first to say this to me, I have heard it before. I asked him "Why do you think that I'm intimidating  his reply was, "because you have a strong personality!"

I have never shied away from the conversation... I am sincerely interested to know why people find me unapproachable or intimidating... because the reality is that I am the most approachable "down to earth" person that you could ever meet. Sure it takes a while for people to get to know the real me... but people often find me to be genuine. I often lead my personal relationships with two key traits: Honesty and Loyalty. In jest, I often say things outside of my real nature. Most recently, I caught myself saying "I'm the t-shirt and jeans type of guy, even though I would never get caught wearing a t-shirt with jeans!." In addition, I often use a famous quote from Faye Dunaway, "I'm a bit high-maintenance, a little hot and cold never hurts."  Now, under normal circumstances when the person doesn't really know me, this can obviously be misconstrued. However, I am sincere when I say, that I am highly approachable and not the least bit intimidating.

Well, interestingly enough, I find that maybe some people just don't get my humor... could that be perhaps the reason why anyone would find me intimidating?! I doubt it.

So last night, I was on the phone with this guy, and in the course of conversation, while discussing life and its perplexities, he stopped me abruptly and said... "You are a strong person, of formidable character because you're such a Type A personality." I'm sure he meant that as a compliment... so I said, "Thank you." The question still remains, What is it in me that people are most intimidated by?

I used to have a boss who was quite abrasive and a bit abusive to his staff. He would yell and holler and scream orders all day, every day. However, he never yelled at me and spoke in a condescending manner to me. His daughter, who worked in our office, confided in me that it was because he didn't want to loose me as an employee and he knew that I would not put up with this behavior, I realize that she was right... I certainly wouldn't put up with it. Now, that I am older, I find that there is no need to accept certain behaviors or allow people to belittle us. So I will not cower or stop shinning my light so that other people can be at ease. I will shine my light as bright as I can, so that people can feel free to shine their own light too. I am realizing now, that this intimidates people but I mean no harm by it, so please don't mind me!

-Rob

I Am Not Ready To Love!

In my adult life, I have unknowingly sabotaged many blossoming relationships with men. For whatever reason, I find that the men who come into my life, are opportunist to some degree. Some vocally expressing it, while others quietly hinting at a specific thing. Whether it is a request for a "loan" or to pay a bill or even to pay for some of their expenses. When faced with these situations, I acknowledge the red flags and heed the warning. I politely tell my "love interest" that they need to move on for they will not find what they are looking for in me.

After being single for some time, I decided to try this "love" thing once again. So most recently, I met a guy...

While he is quite talkative and always posses wonderful talking points. I must admit that I certainly enjoy talking to him... however, in the course of the always ackward "getting to know each other" phase. He has disclosed some baggage that he is currently dealing with. Personally, I am also dealing with baggage of my own, so I certainly do not hold it against him. He has mentioned to me that he is dealing with financial, personal, and professional issues. Might I add that he is 17 years my senior.  I realized that our world is no longer the same as it was years before. So is it fair to say that I would have hoped that by his age of 47, he figured out his issues? For me, I would only hope that by the age of  35 to resolve my own issues.

We have gone out on one date, which was quite lovely by any standards. We met for dinner at a restaurant and shared in continous conversation for nearly 3 hours. My goodness, who would have thought we could go on for that long. The service staff at the restaurant was in the back, since we were the only two patrons at this restaurant, and they just let us be, with no interruptions. Sadly, this was a good and bad thing because when I wanted to order another glass of wine, they were nowhere to be found.  At the end of the meal and when we were finally ready to ask for the bill... he asked me to split the bill in half with him. I was a bit surprised because in my culture, we grow up with the mentality that whomever invites is the one who pays, period. In this case, he invited, therefore, in my mind, he pays. Regardless, I said sure but I expressed my discontent, explained my culture to him. We discussed the possibility of another potential date and that we would discuss the details over the phone.

At this point, it has been several days since our date and he has certainly expressed interest in more dates and getting to know each other, potentially leading to a relationship. This is where my apprehension comes into play. I am used to being single and not having to provide someone a status on my personal dealings. Like, when are you getting home? what time did you get off work? and such... I certainly need to get used to this interest in a "stranger." I say stranger because I still don't know who he really is. We have conversed over phone and met up once. We share some things in common but is it enough?  He confessed to being a part-time student and being on academic probation. He shared having some difficulties in his study and expressed needing some help. This leads me to a red flag.

Is this where I want to be? I have my own goals and ambitions. Does he help or hurt me in reaching my own goals? Can I sacrifice to enrich him with his goals? These questions lead me to believe that I am certainly not ready to love someone. Perhaps, I am not ready to love him. Anyone else, I could have dismissed and said "so long sucka!" but this guy has really made me rethink my priorities.

I once heard, "the people whom you attract are a mirror of the person you are." This statement often scares me because I am surrounded by many people who serve as a scary warning. So for me to fall in love with someone who presents baggage and asks me to sort it out for them, often means it is my queue to leave.

-Rob