Te Extraño

A veces me levanto extrañándote; deseando verte una vez más, añorándote, pidiéndole a Dios tenerte a mi lado una vez más.

Pero habrás encontrado hogar en brazos ajenos? Alguien te hará acobijado del frio de la soledad? Ellos no entenderán de que tu todavía serás mío.  Y a mi lado nunca tendrás frio. Cariños y caricias, cualquiera podrá darte. Pero amor como el nuestro, siempre fue un arte. Y aunque no estés a mi lado, y en mi no deseaste ese calor que solo yo te pude dar. Por mi, siempre serás mi amor.

Aunque nunca te ame, aunque nunca te di parte de mi. Yo te pude amar como nadie lo ha hecho hasta hoy. Al fin, me rechazaste por ser quien soy. No podrás dejarme ir. Porque sabes que nuestra historia no se ha terminado. Pero está bien. Te irás y regresaras, por querer estar a mi lado. Sabes lo que valgo. Muy dentro de ti, sabes muy bien y sigues aquí. Aunque hoy soy yo el que te rechaze.

Haunted by my past.

He appears as quickly as he vanished from my life, nearly four years ago. I still remember the actions that eventually caused me walk away. You see, we met under circumstances that were not ideal but whether it was intoxication or the whirlwind of newness that brought him into my life, the point is that he would become my boyfriend.

The relationship was lived rather shortly. In that time, he drank too much and I did not have the patience to be tied down. Unbeknownst to him, I was having a fling with a person who did not take me serious, but I would have given it all for him.

It happens to me all the time. When I find someone I can see myself with, I go and meet someone else who distracts me.

I called this man my boyfriend, but to him I was property. Short of having a GPS embedded in my skin, he needed to know where I was at all times. Personally, he says that he was intuitive and felt that someone else was winning me over. While I never confirmed it, he was right.

In the words of Jewel, “the heart can hallucinate when it is starved for love.” Four years later, he would come back into my life, asking to rekindle what was once a fire.

I just do not know how to let him back in. I have built walls so thick that no one would consider breaking through and now this man is asking for a piece of my heart and I just don’t know how to undo all of this work.

I said that I would be willing to get to know this version of him. The man I knew him to be was dark and hurt, and fragile. I too was damaged goods. I have changed from the person I used to be. He claims to have done the same. Now, he is asking me to get to know him all over again.

I just feel like I cannot allow myself to be invested this time around because I do not want to feel like I have become desperate for a relationship. I feel the emptiness and in my mind, I think that he is trying to exploit that in me. However, I will allow myself to get to know him and I will reintroduce myself to him. It always felt like our story was never complete. And while I do not expect to have a happy ending, I do expect to end this chapter.

I used to call her friend...

I do not know why I decided to do a name search for her... It has been so many years that I have put it behind me. I put all those unresolved issues far behind... where I would not be predisposed to stumble upon it. 

Nevertheless, you see... It was never my intention to look her up. It happened when my mind decided to play a trick on me and brought up a feeling that I once felt, long ago in the land of far away. 

I used to call her friend. She was such a big part of me that I could not muster the thought to do something without her. There is medical terminology for the type of relationship we had... it is called "co-dependent." Well, during our best of times, that is what our relationship was reduced to, co-dependency. However, towards the end, our relationship was virtually non-existent. I hated coming home because a part of me knew that she would be there. Therefore, I would rush home and run to my room and locked the door.  I really do not know what it was that made our friendship morph into something other than that. 

It has been many years since I locked out every part of her that remained. However, when I tell the story of my youth, I find that I have to edit her involvement in my story.  I do not hate her, not one bit. It just hurts me that our ending was so ugly. It had to be done. All things that begin must end.  The reality is that I stopped serving her purpose and she stopped serving mine. The only reason why we continued was that it was habit.  Living together made it harder to walk away.

Let us be clear. It is not my intention to depict a horrible friendship. However, like I said, we stopped serving each other’s purpose and we went our separate ways.

So eight years later, the name of her business came to mind and I wondered if she ever launched her business. This made me curious to look it up.  However, the name of her pseudo-business did not bring up any successful matches; I decided to look up her name.  

This brought up an article of her immigrant story on a social project blogspot. The entry was a few years old.

While, I do not miss her, I sincerely wish her a good life and continued blessings.

Respectfully,

Robert

That was then...

I never understood why he could not say what it was that he felt for me.

maybe I couldn't stand to know the truth.

He always promised me the world, he just couldn't deliver most times.

The reality is that I wanted him more than he wanted me.

The facts are, he could never commit.

I am a realist. I know that perhaps he just didn't want to committ to me
and I am okay with that.

What I am not okay with, is him insisting that I waste my time.

He didn't want me and he didn't want anyone else to have me either.

So that was two years of my time. 2 whole years I wasted on someone who had no intention to keep me.

Lesson Learned.

Portrait of a Family.

Have you ever simply woken up from slumber with the most horrid thought in your head?

So horrid in fact, that the mere thought of it all, perturbs your day?!!

This morning, I found myself, somewhere between dream and reality when the thought of losing my father came to me.  Although somewhere along our lives, we switched roles. He is now like my child, and I am the protector.  It is he, who comes to me to make the family decisions.  It is he, who needs to be protected from the outside world, and sometimes from the inside too. Not having lived the life I would have wanted for myself. From an early age, I felt I needed to assume a role I did not want.  Nonetheless, I faced the world with a brave face, or as brave as I knew how to be, at the time.

At this point in my life, after having overcome some struggles, the thought of losing a parent scares me.  Even though, I am aware that loss is inevitable, and I know that both of my parents have complicated health. The real fear is not in losing a parent. The fear is in losing my family.

See, we come from a rather small family, just one sister and one cousin.  My father’s side of 
the family is getting older now and I see the candle of their life flickering. My mother’s side of the family is virtually non-existent; she has three sisters who bore no children. My parents have been married for 35 years. So many years that they have lived together and they have never been apart. If I were to lose my father first, I know in my heart that my mother could overcome it because she is strong. However, with the loss of my mother, I know that my dad would give into his ailments and die.

What then?

While, I still have my youth, I certainly do not have the stamina to continue doing what people my age do. Do I focus on my career? Do I give up? Do I create a new family? Should I fall in love? There are just too
many questions with no real answers.

The type of relationship that I have with my sister is not very conventional. Truly, it feels like we have been strangers who come together for short periods and we are forced to be in the same room. Now, do not get me wrong! We get along great when we do not annoy each other but with her anger management problem, getting along is a rare moment.  In essence, we do not have the type of relationship that would make either of us put in any effort. Mother always asked me to be the bigger person and simply ignore her grievances, even though I have the scars that could never let me do just that. I cannot imagine my sister reaching out to me after the loss of both my parents.

Which brings me to the point, what will I do when my parents are gone, with no family to look after?  Losing a parent is never easy. I have been a witness to friends who have lost their parents and years later, still mourn their loss. I cannot imagine it getting any easier the older I get.

So now, you see why this thought awoke me from my slumber?!

Afraid to say...

familiar faces in stranger places

I see your face in the strangest of places. Why does it haunt me still?! 

From my tumblr feed, to random pictures my friends posts. Sometimes even when I am out getting coffee. I will randomly see fragmented pieces of what I recognize as your face. 

I know you may think it strange, but I really do see your face. I was out putting gas in my car, I looked over and saw I young man getting out of his car. I looked over to the passenger seat, only to see your face looking back at me. Instantly choking back the excitement from my face, I realized it was not you, but a total stranger, who by mere coincidence looked a lot like you when you used to look at me with love in your eyes. 

See, that look you would give me was so uniquely you. from your wry smile to your facetious nature. 

See this happens all the time and it saddens my heart that you're no longer near. 

I wonder if you ever see my face in the strangers that you meet? 

Perhaps we've lived so many lives together, that now we must be apart.  But I long for your touch. I long for your embrace. Seeming distant and aloof on the surface; I could never let you know that you have me under your spell, but if you touch me one time, you'll see me reappear.

  

Bittersweet Goodbyes

Goodbyes have never been good to me.

Sometimes, my heart is pained with the thought of saying goodbye to people I care for. Why must I be plagued with such emotion?

On my last day at the office, I was stricken with such grieve, to such an extend that I could not bare to vocalize the words to anyone I worked with. Very few people knew of my separation from the project and even less people wished me a fond farewell.  I remember walking into the building.. heading straight to the 5th floor, quietly exiting the elevator and making my way to the PMO office. I quietly placed my belongings at the desk of one of the coordinators. I remember looking up, saying hello and turning to make a run for it. However, One person specifically called out to me and said, "what kind of a goodbye is that?" I turned to face him and walked toward him. I remember my words were short with the bravest smile I could muster. I wished everyone success in their roles and to rest knowing that I was taken care off.

See, it would have broken my heart to say that despite knowing my circumstance, I was unsuccessful in securing placement on another project. So I concocted a story that I had something on the horizon. And while this was true at the time. The reality is that things fell through.

Today, I find myself on the unemployment line, looking for work. Like many other people, trying to secure employment. All I really want, is employment with an organization that will know how to utilize my skills.Somehow, this feels like I am asking for too much.

Confident in my skillset, I am comforted knowing that I can achieve it, I can gain employment with a firm that will have a proper place for me within their structure.

Love.

I have to believe...

Just a thought

Some days, when the rain pours hard enough, I feel my worries wash away.

Some nights, when sleep is hard to come by, I count my blessings so many times, until I am reassured that I have more blessings than woes. 

It is often so easy to be blinded to one's own blessings. We only see what is right in front of us, never seeing past the moment. Always aware, I look to see what the day might send just around the river-bend for me. 

Friendship Rings

This weekend, while working at my side job, a long time work friend approached me.

See, we have been working together for what seems like the longest time, nearly seven years. He and I have always had this off-the-wall relationship. We constantly flirt with each other. However, for various reasons, I have never taken him seriously with any of the things that he says to me. And so, because of this, we have gone through our phases of heated sexual-chemistry to cold nonchalant interactions.  

He makes public declarations to other work associates about how he is attracted to me. Further, he tells my boss all the time how he wants me to go over to his place of residence or how he wants to have a better relationship with me. 

I never know how to reply to these declarations because he never vocalizes these declarations to me in private. The reality is that the only declarations he tells me privately are how he wants to engage in a sexual relationship with me. I feel as though, because we work together, I would never engage in just a sexual relationship. I can only imagine how people at work will publicly criticize my character for allowing this to be made public.

So as we sit there, diagonally, across from each other. (I wear a ring on my right hand, with small diamonds encircling the ring, it's less than 1ct.) He sees my ring, shining in the light of the overhead lamp and says to me, "when am I going to get a ring just like yours?" as I looked up to his bright blue eyes, perplexed, I asked, "excuse me?!"

He again says to me that he wants a ring similar to mine. As I calculate my reaction, I simply smile and say that I could never give him a ring like mine because people often confuse it for a wedding band.

He says, "it's okay, we'll just tell people that it is a friendship ring."

Now, it has never occurred to me to have friendship rings with someone other than my best friends. It's really a hard concept for me to grasp; so as I sit there across from this man, I begin to think of how a ring will change the dynamic of our pseudo-relationship. Is this something that I could be prepared for?

Further, my heart tells me that his requests for a ring does not tell me of his true feelings for me. His request for a ring from me, is a materialistic requests for me to buy him something of worth. Which is why I hesitate. I smiled, and simplistically say...."maybe, when we're official."

Is the world still turning round?

Because the age old question is continuously asked, I presume that yes, the world is still turning on its axis.

I have a friend (well maybe no longer a friend...) but someone in my life that I used to share and confide in. Close to a best friend as a work relationship would allow, I guess. Yes, we worked together. We'd spent our lunches together and have happy hour Tuesdays and Theatre Wednesdays. We'd spend the weekends together on random excursions. We'd even travel together. Share beds and the warmth of the covers. See, we were pretty close indeed.

We had plenty of things in common... and then we didn't. We haven't spoken in nearly seven months. We both have strong personalities and maybe that was the detriment of our bond. 

This morning, on my drive to the office. I realized that a part of me misses her. I miss her for the company mostly. We would go to the theatre often. We'd go to beauty expo's and really anything, just for shits and giggles. We would eat at random places just for the sake of being adventurous. And while, she has not taken anything away from me. I am still free to do all the things that we did in each other's company. However, I don't believe that I have many friends who have the resources and the patience to do the many things that my friend and I would set out to do. 

I secretly wish (maybe not so secret, after all) that I had friends who could easily pack up and travel on a whim, just for the sake of getting out of town.  I know spending a Saturday at the museum doesn't sound too appealing to many people out there... but it's always an adventure for me. 

The travel expo is coming up, here in Los Angeles. To simply grab the friends and say "lets go get some ideas of what adventures (or trouble) we can get into. We don't have to leave next week, or the week after. But let's plan it and make the reservations... Why is this so hard?