Story time with Robert, “Sorry, can’t talk right now…”

Over since his birthday earlier in the month. He has not stopped calling or texting me.  We started up again. He even hinted at the proposal that took place a year ago. He wants it more than anything and said that he is getting tired of being rejected. 

You see, it is not my intention to reject him.

Him: “I wish that you would love me, like I love you”

Me: “How can you say that? I do love you… but you are not ready for me to show you how much. If I did show you, you’d feel overwhelmed by my love and would want nothing else but to escape it.”

He took this as a challenge. He wanted to prove me wrong. That he would not be overwhelmed.

The holidays are always rough on all of us. I am in the middle of relocating. I have dedicated my efforts to looking for employment outside of California. The results are evident. I have gotten callbacks and requests to interview like you would not believe.

However, in a late night conversation with him, I decided to let him know that I have been traveling for these interviews and am just awaiting for a job offer and that I would accept it without question. His disappointment infuriated him, he asked, how dared I leave him? 

How dare I? I think, how can he ask me this question. He never included me in his 10-year plan… (I know, I asked for a 10-year plan, lol) but his plan was to work until 55 and travel with his mother (who is ill) until 60.  Never in this plan, did he say, maintain a relationship with a person, travel with my mother and my partner… no mention of involving another person (i.e., me.). So why does he ask why I did not include him in my plans to relocate?

After I told him this, he called me every night and we would be on the phone over 2 hours each night. 2 days ago, he told me how one of his co-workers expressed an infatuation with him. In addition, asked for advice on how to let her down gently.  His focus was on a resolve that would allow him to continue being Mr. Nice Guy. I told him that, “of all the people who have rejected me (or my advances) I have never thought of them as Mr. Nice guy… in my book, they’re the asshole who rejected me…” and I told him that he should expect this. However, the conversation kept circling back to him being portrayed as Mr. Nice Guy.

Finally, I told him, “I don’t think of you as Mr. Nice Guy, why do you care so much that she thinks of you this way?” well that must have upset him. Because he then asked me questions as to when I stopped thinking of him in this way.  He said that in my examples, it was obvious that I did something to make him react in not-so-nice way.  

My retort of course did not help any… I said, “I recognize the flaws in your character and I don’t hold it against you… surely, you must know this.” However, he did not take my comments lightly.  He abruptly excused himself and said that he must end the call… responses to my text messages have been very curt. Moreover, after several text messages from me to him, he responds, “sorry, can’t talk right now. Ttyl.”

I need to know where I stand with people. I simply need to know for my safety, my security… This way, I know how much I should get involved and where my limitations lie.  Emotional outburst like his, only make me want to keep my distance… so when he decides to text me or call me back… I already have an automatic message reply, “Sorry, Can’t talk right now, ttyl.”

A Visit Cross-Country

Right before the thanksgiving holiday, I made my way, for the very first time, to New York City. This trek was planned to visit my friends who live out there.  While the visit itself was plagued by momentary lapses in extreme situations, like possibly getting into altercations. From shouting matches with total strangers to threats of physical violence.  Yes, it all happened during my trip to the big apple.  

Yes, you constantly hear that New Yorkers are rude and such. Rightly, they are just trying to survive without having tourists block their direction.  In this sense, I can sympathize.  But there is a medium, I think.

Check this out. During my stay in a pseudo-ritzy hotel in the Upper West side, I was meeting with my friends in the hotel lobby bar.  As the last person joined our group, we ordered drinks and introduced my friends to each other.  While, I admit, we were a bit loud, apparently we were too loud for the ambience because we were quickly “shh’d” by another patron.  At first, the majority of our group did not hear this, so we continued with a second round and continued catching up while trying to plan the rest of our evening.  At this point, we were “shhh’d” yet again.  This is when we all heard the complaint; this is also when one of my friends retorted back to this patron “that if she wanted a quiet evening, she should have gone to a fucking library.”  The shouting continued for what seemed a good 30 seconds.  I asked for the bill, completely embarrassed and concerned for the outcome of this event. The reality is that you never know how crazy people are anymore.  At this point, you cannot discount age.  As I said, I asked for the bill, we were comp’d drinks and told that we didn’t have to leave.  I was not comfortable there anymore. Therefore, we left.

We arrived at the bar early, and so essentially, the bar was barely filling up, which means that nobody was dancing.  The music was okay. Based on the music, I could not really tell what demographic the bar was catering to, as the dj was playing a lot of disco.  My good friend, D and I took to the dance floor and made the best of the evening.  Of course we were dancing on the stage, there was hardly any one there, much less dancing.  As we are getting our groove on, a little boy steps up to me and pushes me with all of their strength. A bit disconcerted by this, I asked, “what are you doing?” the boy says nothing but continues.  Rather loudly, I proclaimed, “if you don’t stop touching me, little boy, I will fucken deck you. You don’t know me!” to which the reply was, “I am a girl, not a boy.” She turns and appears to be upset. I then asked her for a reason for why she was pushing me.  She awkwardly says to me that she wanted to dance. Perplexed I hugged her and said sure why not. Albeit, this was the first time that “someone” wanting to dance with me, uses their body weight to gain my attention.

In Hindsight, these were just random events. But thankfully, I was there with “locals” who do not hesitate and bark right back. 

Otherwise, my stay was rather pleasant. I certainly enjoyed my trip, so much so, that I booked another trip at the end of winter.  I look forward to different experiences this time!

This time I am staying at a hella-ritzy hotel on the Upper East. I certainly expect better.  It’s three months away and I am considering asking a former boyfriend to join me.  It is not going to be a “Robert pays for everything” kind of trip but having him there would soften the blow of paying over 1K for a room.  At this point, I am inviting all friends to see who can commit and actually join me.  The company will definitely be well received.

SCREAM! Unauthorized Parody

It seems like forever ago since I was around people.  Okay, that is quite an exaggeration but let us be clear. It certainly has been a while since I have hung out with people my age, who I relate to, who share similar values.

Tonight, friends and I went to see the Unauthorized Parody of Scream, currently at the Rockwell.  Live performances are always near and dear to my heart. I feel like as thought I am connected to a stage (perhaps in a past live); but my affinity to live theatre is very strong.  Those who are close to my also share a passion for performances.

This is not a formal review. Nevertheless, I will say that the Rockwell is gaining a reputation for hosting well-produced live entertainment.  You always see interesting people. Moreover, the renditions of the songs that are covered are awe-inspiring.  I can easily recall moments listening to “When Doves Cry” as part of the For the Record series. Similarly, last night, when a performer sang Creep; some of these versions are eerily perfect!

If you are in the Los Angeles area and wish to see wonderful performers (some renowned performers); you should definitely check out the Rockwell.

Moreover, tonight gave me the opportunity to see familiar faces and spend a bit of quality time with them.  I live for moments like tonight. Where I can disconnect from the world around me and submerge myself in conversation and theatre, two of my favorite passions. 

Sex & Love

Tonight was amazing.  A night out with friends. A concert that was pretty awesome. 

It was all a long time coming.  Months before, I was asked to look into a concert, not knowing that I would be planning a group outing. However, those are minor details in the grand scheme of things.

I decided a while ago that as part of my socializing, I would make extra time for good friends and move away from those friendships that do not serve any real purpose.

In reality, I have a hard time allowing people into my circle because I have eclectic taste and the type of people that I tend to encounter seem to be those who hold extreme viewpoints about everything.

But I digress. Tonight was about going to see a concert with wonderful friends in tow. We saw Enrique Iglesias’s Sex and Love tour with Pitbull.

These two are excellent entertainers. We all had a great time. We danced. I sang (at the top of my lungs, may I add). We took pictures. Above all, we stayed present in the moment.

If you’d allow the tangent. Lately, I feel that culturally, we are not living in the moment. We’re constantly looking for the next high; looking for the next big thing. We come, we take pictures or video. And then we move on. Ultimately, it’s not about taking a hundred thousand pictures at an event and calling it a night. We lose sight of it all. We’re not present in our daily lives. So the next time you reach to your phone to take yet another picture, think, soak it all in, and if you’re still inspired to take that picture. Do it. But stay grounded in that moment, not what’s behind that lens.

Love, Anew?

It has been years since I have uttered the words, Love; much less to another person.

You see, I gave up on love, so long ago. It’s just not something that I have enjoyed.  The start is always exciting and enticing and dare I say, addicting?! But towards to the middle, it starts to feel like it’s an anchor and you’re about to drown. So very suffocating.

And maybe it’s simply been the men that I have fallen for. Maybe their love was suffocating. Maybe, I just don’t know how to love or even allow myself to be loved.

My storied past has been one of lackluster love entanglements ( for a lack of better words).  But today,  I find myself on the onset of a budding love interest.

It goes back to my Starbucks crush.  Yes, him. 

I know this is nothing significant. I mean, I still don’t know his name and I can’t find the courage to even ask him his name.  none the less, my small time crush on this guy, makes me miss the days when I was in a relationship. 

Of course, I am not thinking of dating this guy, I don’t even know if he’s gay.   

But I think perhaps it is time that I think of a relationship.  Like, it’s been a while since my last relationship, but in all honesty. I wasn’t even in love.  It’s been longer still since I have been in a relationship where I was in love.  Is it even possible at this time?

Time to Extinguish those Embers.

It is true.

 Your birthday is coming up. I know this! However, I cannot send you a birthday card because I do not want you to think that there are still glowing embers where there once was a roaring flame. 

I went out of my way to get you a birthday card, but there is no sense in sending it to you because 1) I deleted your contact info and erased your home address and 2) I would have to research your business address in order for me to get you this card.

You see, the level of effort is too much to retrieve such information.

But for your birthday, I continue to wish for you many blessings. Most importantly, I wish you find that which will bring you happiness. 

P.S. Over these last few years, I regret that we weren’t better people to each other.  Maybe we could’ve been exactly what we needed from each other.  There were too many things we had in common but not enough to keep us together.  And I know this means very little to a broken heart but we were already broken when we came together. 

You see, it’s better that we’re not connected anymore.  At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

But I don’t harbor any ill feelings for you, and I hope that when you think of me, you think of me (if you ever do) that you wish for me nothing but the best.

What is going on in the world?

Ever since my sister broke the news that she is preggers, I have been most concerned with the state of affairs in the world.  All with due reason; children are being born every single day, and the world continues to become a hostile environment.  The media applies censorship to most of the news and that is why we are so shielded from the horrors that are happening every day not only abroad, but in our own backyards.  It is such an ugly time to be anything but white in America. Should you read uncensored news, you will find stories after stories of injustices against people of color (POC).

You may think my statements are a bit on the extreme, but you won’t hear it on the evening news and that’s the reality. 

I simply can’t fathom how kids are expected to grow up in this very troubling world, at this specific moment in time. I am aware that history tends to repeat itself. People survived it then, and surely, we’ll be able to survive it this time around. But don’t you find it rather depressing that there is so much ugliness in the world. Was it ever worse than what it is now? I know, I am plagued with so many questions.

I wish to be lighthearted, and take everything at face value but how can I, when there is much need in the world? So much need for a better tomorrow. Children born since 2011 do not know a world without war. We have kids growing up being taught hatred against those who look different from themselves.  We’re supposed to be embracing a global community/world. But most kids are not being taught secondary languages.  A famous quote by Mark Twain states, “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.”

Friendship.

This morning I read a story in the newspaper that absolutely made me tear up. The story of two friends and their tragic end.

What affected me the most about this story is that they were seniors who maintained a 30+ year friendship. They went for morning walks. Unbeknownst to them, this is how it would end. While on their way to their usual morning meet up spot, the eldest friend (101 yrs old), would be run over by a hit and run driver.  The younger friend (93 yrs old), walking up to the meet up spot would see the commotion and his dear friend lying on the ground. The newspaper quoted the man, “I just wanted to fall on the ground right next to him.”

I long to have a friend like this. Someone who would care for me this much they could not live without me. Likewise, I could not live without them. Just seems like this friendship transcends this lifetime.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the friends that I have near me. I would drop everything I have going on for them, should they need me and I would hope the same goes for them.

It’s just that, I have never had to test their loyalty. So I really don’t know what they would do, should I need to call upon them. I know that I cannot do this alone. I will not be able to survive otherwise.

Love and Starbucks?

I have been frequenting a specific Starbucks location, most recently. And the Starbucks Barista (him) now knows me by name! As soon as I walk in, he smiles from ear to ear and greets me by name.

Do you know how special that makes people feel? It is such a welcoming environment. Well, I never thought much of it…until today.

You see, today, I walked in (as I would any other time) and he was not behind the counter as I am used to seeing him.  I engage in the expected pleasantries with the barista (her) who takes my order.  I see him out of the corner of my eye.  I look over and as usual, a see a welcoming smile from ear to ear and he says, “Hi Robert, how are you?” I replied with a smile. I asked him if he was starting his shift or ending it. His response is that he is there on his day off.

He is really a handsome guy, and the fact that he’s personable, helps!

On a side note, my friend, who accompanied me during my visit, literally slut shames me for engaging in conversation with him. She said she is noticed a bit of chemistry. I call bullshit.

Once bitten, twice shy

The fall always makes me think of you. I wish I could say that the cold reminds me of you. But cold weather is not something that happens in Southern California.

Maybe it’s the precursor to the holidays. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling nostalgic. I really can’t pinpoint why it is that I recently thought of you. Perhaps you’ve been calling me with your mind. But I remembered that your birthday is coming up and so I decided to buy you a birthday card.

In all honesty, it is not my intention to reach out to you. I think because of our salty experiences, it is just easiest not to contact you.  And maybe that’s why you haven’t called or emailed.

Dare I say it, I hold you dear in my heart and truly that is what may have sparked the thought to get you a card and let you know that I care.

But I wonder, how it will be received. Should I even bother? I asked around, and people advised me against contacting you. They said, “the dreaded ex is like the plague.”  While I don’t consider you like the plague, I definitely think twice before reaching out. I don’t want to give either of us a glimmer of hope that the embers can spark up again.

I guess lately, I have been thinking about you more frequently. I wonder how your life is. I hope that you have found what you are looking for. I hope that you are happy. Sincerely.

Education and Goals

Today I was a more honest with myself than I tend to be.  Don’t get me wrong. I am quite honest with others and myself but today was a bit deeper than usual.  I had lunch with one of the managers that I support. As we sit across the table from each other, she starts telling me about a situation with her niece and how she recently dropped out of high school.

This subject hits home because I too dropped out of high school. Most of my friends don’t know this about me. Moreover, this is one of those things that I choose not to tell people. Can you blame me?

My story is a bit different from most high school dropouts. I managed to get my GED, a Bachelor’s and now my Masters.  Most of the dropouts that I meet can’t say the same. And by no means am I the exception. There certainly are a great deal of people who share my story; who truly are enterprising people. I just never thought that I would utter those words simply because it serves no real purpose.

Knowing this about me does not take away any of my achievements or make any of these any more or less exceptional. 

But I told this to my manager in the course of conversation. This is one of those things that I like to keep to myself. However, in the course of conversing with my manager, I told her this so that she can give hope to her niece that so long as you apply yourself to something, you can achieve wonderful results. That’s the reality.

I am a strong believer that “you are not a product of your environment.”  You can manifest a different reality than those around you but it will take hard work and dedication.  I know that for some, they are victims of their environments. Or maybe, I should say, they allow themselves to be victims of their environments. But don’t get me wrong. I believe that there is institutionalized system of limitations that prevent a person from getting out. But it is possible, you can get out. Look at me, my public school education was mediocre at best but I am smart. I sought my own education and passed my GED exam on the first try. My college school grades were in the A’s and B’s, and the same goes for my Master’s.

I did not give up even when it was easy to. I kept at it even when I had enough of it. That is my story. 

A Friend's Wedding

Today I bore witness to a dear friend's wedding.

Let me preface this story by telling you that I don't like weddings and I don't like going to weddings. I stopped going to church services when my church vocalized their distaste for my "lifestyle."  Of course this was during a time when I, myself, didn't know what that was.  But it proves that messages are heard, loud and clear. Since this time, I was oppose to attending a church service that admonished homosexuals. Plus, the concept of marriage was foreign to me because I am gay and (at the time) wasn't allowed to marry the person I loved. (Thankfully, this is no longer the case in California.)

Regardless of these facts, I still had not stepped inside a place of service. Literally, in the last 10 years.

Today was a day that I will remember for a good while because I bore witness to the union of my friend and her fiance (now her husband). Conversations of romantic involvements and commitments ensued through the night. Looking at the happy faces in the crowds, all of it. had me in awe. For a moment, it even had me in tears.  Now don't go thinking that I am the type of guy that cries at weddings because I am not an easy crier. But tonight I had my heart on my sleeve.

For so many years, I was closed off to the idea that I could marry and so, I closed myself off to the whole concept that I was allowed to love someone else. But today, I have renewed faith that I can love and be loved and our love is not shameful or blasphemic in the eyes of God. Because God is Love.

How dare she...

She actually uttered the words, "and when I die, YOU will care for my child!"
My response was, "isn't that the reason why you choose godparents?!"

I know that I will bear the burden of caring for her child but don't explicitly ask me to do it.

Where do I begin... to tell this story?

The start is always a good place to start but it gives you too many unnecessary details that bias your judgement. Sometimes, the details that we already know help to construct the story we need to tell without having to go ALL the way back to the beginning. See, all those details no longer apply.

When I think of the times I have been in love, I realize that I have always given too much of myself. But you see, that's what you do when you're in love, right? You give all that you can and then some.

Can you give soo much that you become empty? or does it continuously replenish so that you can continue to give and give? I think of it like oxygen, in order for breathable air to be available, other particles must do their work in order to have air. Otherwise, all that there would be left, is exhaust.

I hope that analogy made some kind of sense to some of you.

I Still...

breathe for you.

6 months later...

I intended to maintain this blog much longer than I did. I thought, "I'm such a good story teller, people should be able to read snippets of my 'exhuberant' life." Of course that never happened. Fibs!

But I did intend to share pieces of my life. Sadly, pieces were taken from me and I had nothing left to give. 

But this isn't a pity story about things that may or may not have happened, or things that were or weren't said. It's just a reality of my perception based on the actions that took place. 

Over the last 6 months, many scenarios played out and as it should be expected, some of those scenarios brought serious consequences. 

In my best Beyonce voice, "I haven't been feeling like myself since the baby!."  Yes, there is a baby involved now. Never my own, but like my own skin. You see, this baby is my sister's and based on her circumstances, I may need to assume responsibility for the baby's well being.  That scenario will need to play out, first. 

Subsequently, I have been gainfully employed over the same amount of time, which truly explains why I have been absent (at least on here). 

I guess I am happy. "I guess", being the imperative word. I am at the point where I don't even want my number. I don't want anything that holds me back. I don't want to be a responsible adult. I don't want any of it. I am sick and tired. Mostly sick. Mostly tired. Like it doesn't even make sense to me. The reality is that I feel stifled. Like, where did we fall off? like, when did I become this person!?!

In Absentia...

It has been a while since my last post and many things have happened in my life. Some good and some not so good.

Over the Christmas holiday, he came back with a vengeance asking for my hand in marriage. The proposal was rather unorthodox, not a fabled love story by any means. I am rather simple to please and do not require much. However, there are certain things that I will require. I require commitment and conviction. You do not have to be right so long as you believe it with every part of your being.

He called me on Christmas Eve and said, "I just called to ask you one thing. Will you marry me?"

My response was not ideal. I retorted, "Do you have a ring?" his response, "No." I continued on to say other things like, "how was your day? What are your plans for xmas? How did you spent your birthday?

The truth is, had he said, "Yes, I have a ring for you." My response would have been automatic and emphatically, "Yes!” But you see, his lack of commitment in getting a ring prior to asking made me believe that he was not serious about "US," and if he couldn't commit then why should I?

Now, it has been several weeks since that unfortunate day that I received a marriage proposal over the phone. We have gone out a couple of times, too. He, in fact, did change. He no longer drinks or smokes. Over the last outing, he bought me three drinks and I felt like such a lush since I was the only one drinking alcoholic beverages. Ironically, I do not need to drink to have a good time, but since he kept buying, I kept drinking. I felt utter disappointment in myself by continuing to drink in front of him. However, he took advantage of this opportunity by asking me direct questions about us. As they say, drunks and small children will tell you no lies. I told him everything that was weighing on my chest about our situation and I said this with his feelings in mind. I delivered the blows gently (or so I thought). After our night out, he took me to dinner/breakfast; at this point, my drunkenness got the better of me and started to sabotage our evening by making wry comments about what I want. Of course, he could not provide these things. Even more reasons why I knew that I was messing up.

Despite the circumstances, I am sure now that I do not want a relationship. Not with him, nor anyone else. I do not believe that I am physically or emotionally ready to take on a relationship. I must work out some critical issues before giving into a relationship. Recently, I went out with my longtime friend and she confirmed this thought.

I simply hope that I can work my issues out before it becomes too late.