I'm not a scrooge, I swear!

Today is the 27th of December, and the main holiday "Christmas" is over and done with. While I secretly love the holidays, it becomes harder to actually voice my excitement for Christmas. 

The one thing about the holidays that I absolutely abhor is that people overlook the real meaning of Christmas. It is a time for rejoicing over our blessings and being thankful for sharing the company of loved ones. It is about charity and good will toward men (yes, like strangers and stuff). This often gets overshadowed by greed. I don't understand that logic behind spending massive amounts of time at the mall and purchasing gifts for people who are simply going to return these gifts for something better. I grew up believing that there was a purpose behind each gift. The thought behind the gift is what matters. However, I have personally witnessed persons calculate how many gifts to return to get something else or even request gift cards. See, this to me is what is wrong with the whole Christmas season. I know several retail store clerks who physically dread the after Christmas returns and issuing store credit. Again, This is why I abhor the holidays. No one ever thinks of the good deeds we must do for those less fortunate. 

During these times, I tend to simply not celebrate it. When hearing people complain about the holidays. I mention other religions as options to explore. I mean, really! there are a number of religious organizations that do not celebrate Christmas. For one, I refuse to buy presents for ingrates and rather start giving out boxes of coal. I think people need to start getting a reality check. 

Don't get me wrong. I am not a scrooge. I wholeheartedly believe in the sentiment of the holiday season. When my loved ones have time to spare, I share in their company. I like to treat my friends individually for a dinner date or quality time. Again, if they so choose to spend the time with me. I am a single male with a relatively small family. 90% of my friends are partnered up or have huge families who absorb their time. I understand when these friends simply can't make it. 

I am looking forward when my loved ones stop being ingrates and simply celebrate the Christmas holiday with good will and charity in their hearts. Only then, I can rekindle the flame of the holidays in my heart. 

Misery loves Company

Misery loves company. Yes, we know this. 

He recently reached out to me, asking for my home address. Says he wants to send a traditional Christmas card. I haven't responded to him yet. Don't believe that I will. 

A running theme with me is "strange love." He was the strangest love that I have known. 

Although, I can't begin to quantify my love for him. I must admit that I cared a great deal for his well-being. Surely, that must mean something!? 

The story of Us was short. He tried feeding me his insecurities. I refused. I have always  considered myself to be a complete person, never looking for my "other half." I want another complete person, so that we can accompany each other on this journey. Like myself, he was greatly flawed but it seemed as thou we complemented each other. 

it was when he yelled at me that I could no longer take it. accusing me of faltering, when I never did. in retrospect, it was his insecurities that warped his perception. He saw a reality that was not complete. 

That night was when I said my goodbye forever. 

But he persisted. Coming in and out of my life over the last few years. 

Thinking I could befriend an ex-lover. I was wrong.

I have never been one to befriend a lover. I don't get that concept. If I don't want to be with you romantically, what makes anyone think that we can be friends? I obviously don't like a certain part of you to want to spend time with you otherwise. 

For whatever reason, my exes want to continue to be friends. again, I don't get it.  <hairflip>

Overwhelmed...

December 9, 2012

A few nights ago, I went out on a date to go see a theatre show, here in Los Angeles, CA. I saw "Anything Goes" and it was quite hysterical. So hysterical in fact that I was in stitches practically the whole night.

Well almost.

Have I mentioned that I was on a date?
My date was most interested in me teaching him how to use "Instagram" instead of being interested in learning more about me. Granted, there weren't a lot of opportunities to converse, since we were at a show.

Although, I already made the decision to end this "friendship". I was still open minded to learn more about him and expose myself to seeing the beauty in him.

I told him I'd see him at 7pm and I showed up on time. In my haste, I decided that I needed a drink to deal with him. As I am placing my order for a gin and tonic, I call him to inform him that I have arrived and so that we can meet up. It is now 7:35 or so, when we actually meet up. During this time, the gin and tonic came and went. I met up with him and he asked if I was ready to go inside. I said "sure!" We go inside and lo' and behold, suddenly all the people that he "knows" come out of the woodwork to come and meet me. After a quick "meet and greet" with his "friends," I am left to fend for myself as he was asked away to go take pictures by the Christmas tree inside the theatre house.

Since I was left to my own devices, I went to the nearest bar and told the bartender, "looks like I am gonna need some alcohol to sedate me and not blow up on this nigga." I get my second gin and tonic. By the time that I am done with my drink... it is now time to take our seats. We sit and during this time, he is approached by a couple more "friends" and I do my best to ignore them. Fast forward to 5 minutes later, I teach him how to upload a picture to instagram and then the show starts.

The first act was hysterical. I was in stitches the whole time. The actors were amazing and the performances were on point. The musical numbers were wonderful and I was literally humming along. I'm kind of annoying in the theatre.

During the intermission, he didn't wish to go to the foyer. So we sat there and I perused the Performances Magazine. He was people-watching and the only conversation he initiated was, "You don't tend to check other guys out," I replied, "well I thought I was on a date." Further, he also asked if I wanted to go to dinner after the show. Internally, I was thinking this guy is a fucking joke and I had to ask myself, why do I continue to associate myself with someone so low.

The second act was decent. The numbers were in line with the performances prior to the intermission. However, at this point the show reached its intensity and was now gradually coming to a close, completing the story lines.

After the show ended and we were now exiting the show. He says that he needs to get his personal belongings. I tell him that  I will wait for him outside the doors. 20 minutes later, I see a glimpse of him in the distance saying goodbye to his friends. and I'm like ugh! I'm already fed up.

We go to my car and as I am exiting the carport, I asked "where to?" and he asked me if I was still in the mood for dinner?, I replied, I must get home. Where am I dropping you off? he asked if I can take him home. I said, sure! During this point, any initiation of conversation is quickly shot down by my dry and short answers. I choose not to elaborate. I am tired and I am at the point where anything he may say will release the inner bitch within me. So I try my hardest to be mindful of his feelings.

Finally as I am getting on the 101 freeway out of downtown Los Angeles, towards his residence. He turns to me and says, "you know, I really think that we will be better as friends, instead of lovers." I start chuckling. I am at the light, exiting the freeway on Santa Monica Blvd, I turn to him and say, "You're a great person, I know this, but I don't think we can be friends either." Puzzled he says, "did I say something wrong?" To which, I replied, "You didn't say anything wrong. The problem is that you didn't say anything at all. We don't have any chemistry and it was obvious tonight. Further, I don't see you in my short term and long term plans, so WHY even bother keeping up the facade?!, let us just end this now and on good terms!"

He agreed and as he got out of my car, he turns to me and says, "We'll be in touch?", I reply, "No, we won't, but take care of yourself."

On The Verge...

On the verge of saying "Fuck it All." 

It is not my intent to send mixed signals to the universe. They say, "it is what you seek, that most evades you." Well yes, I seek so many things that I could never find. 

and so, I am at a fork in the road. While I see friends and loved ones who effortlessly find what I seek, bitterly, I extend my congratulatory praise. I don't mean to diminish their glow for their newly found treasures. But I hold to my faith and wish for the same mercy. I, too, wish to find my treasure.

So sure, not everyone's path is the same and I understand this, but can I get a break, really! 

Professionally and academically,  I have garnered many successes. Although, this is not mirrored in my personal life.The sad reality is that, the loved ones in whom I've been witness to their found treasures, do not have professional successes or even academic merits. Although that statement has no value, it is intended to justify my accomplishments. 

Change is difficult. 

So many times, have I wanted to start the ball rolling, this task has been more than a feat. 

I have wanted to make the changes necessary in my life but the unfamiliarity of it all, makes me hesitate. 

How I admire those who can easily pick up their belongings and transplant themselves to other locations. 

So many times, I wanted to take that train to a distant city and assimilate my life to theirs, but the fear of it all leaves me frozen. 

Did he just say what I think I heard him say?

Sometimes, people are ignorant beyond measure. Sometimes, people are just bullies.

They say things to rile people and get under their skin.

On a high from a week long vacation, I arrived Friday morning and instead of staying home, I decided to go out and dance the night away with my favorite party buddy.

We arrived at my favorite establishment in the city of Long Beach, CA and headed upstairs to meet and say hi to my favorite bartender. He served our drinks and we continued towards a seating area overlooking the dance floor.

After realizing that my bartender was not on his game, as the drinks were relatively weak and not very flavorful either, we downed our drinks and headed back to him, in the hopes that his technique would improve, but to no avail. Again, my party buddy and I downed our drinks and headed to another bar downstairs to the second favorite bartender, a total hottie, who makes drinks especially strong.

While bantering with the bartender (in the downstairs bar) and taking shots with him and him preparing our drinks, a random stranger approaches us and wants to chat. After a brief conversation, he takes a seat next to me. He explains to me how he is 90 percent "hetero" and when he is highly intoxicated, he enjoys making out with guys but that he's never slept with another guy. I mockingly said, "oh how sweet, this straight boy is waiting for Mr. Right to sweep him off his feet and fuck the living shit out of him."

Fast forward an hour later, that same dude comes up to me on the dance floor and tries to dance with me and then he gravitated towards another guy on the dance floor.  I didn't think much of it because men are fickle this way.

I should note that because of inclement weather, I was wearing a light cardigan sweater. During the course of  dancing, I took off my sweater so that I was more comfortable and laid it on a booth where I was resting my drink.

This guy comes back around and (I believe that in his drunken stupor) comes to stand in front of the area where my drink and sweater were placed. Because you can never be safe with strangers around your drink. I inched closer to my drink and moved it out of his reach. He grabs my cardigan sweater from its resting spot and he was trying to make sense of the material. I moved towards him and said, "Yo, that's my sweater" and took it from his grasp. He turns to me and says, "are you sure that's your sweater?" I replied, "yes!" and he says to me, "that's too small for you...you need a larger size."

I said to him, "bless your heart, thanks and I wish you well."

I was stunned that someone, so rudely, would say a horrid thing like that.

I know I should pay no mind to ignorance in any way, shape, or form, but this guy takes the cake.

Desperately seeking him...

I'm here and you are not.

I miss you.

I want to run into the middle of the streets and scream out your name,but I know that I could never find you.

He Called...

He is nowhere near. In fact, he's 7052 miles away from me, on the other side of the world.

But he called me. Late for me, too early for him. but he left a voice mail message saying how much he missed me. This is why it is that I want to run to his arms every single time I see him. But my better judgement prohibits from reaching out to him. Strange Love.

So sick of this game. tired of the premise. no one ever wins.

I can't deny that I miss him most when he calls me and tells me that I am his.

But sadly, our story is one that cannot persist, at least not in this life time.

It reminds me of the scene from Memoirs of a Geisha, when Sayuri and the Chairman meet at the end and she says to him, "Can't you see? Every step I have taken, since I was that child on the bridge, has been to bring myself closer to you."

Well this is exactly how I feel when he is near.

Why does he have a hold on me?

I wanted to kiss him...

Friday Night.

More than enough reasons to celebrate. The end of a long week. Pay day. A friend's birthday festivities. 

After having dinner in the company of wonderful people. It was intended that I finish the night in Long Beach. I was accompanied by a party buddy (PB). After the pre-game and binging at the bar, we came across my friend, whose birthday we were celebrating. 

He was accompanied by many people, at least 10 other individuals. After the customary introductions, my PB and I settled and started dancing. While my PB and I danced, PB was busy checking out the individuals accompanying my friend. He was sizing them up and plotting a move on the hottest one of all. So this plan was unsuccessful because the hottest one there, left early with his boyfriend. PB was slightly disappointed, but as they say "on to the next." 

In the group, there was a boy, who was not attractive by conventional standards, but still rather "fuckable." Whether it was the alcohol talking or pure animalistic desire. I set out to make a move. I inched my way closer and made myself approachable for him but the hungry voltures were on the move, a lot faster than myself. In a blink of an eye, a short troll was already grinding on this guy. Since my motto is, "Thou shall not block the cock," I took a step back and let the troll proceed, occasionally yelling out, "get it girl, get it!!"

Since the troll was highly intoxicated, he was escorted off the dance floor fairly quickly. 

I, again, inched my way closer. getting his attention and having him fixate on the sway of my hips, back and forth, back and forth. PB gets between the two of us and before you knew it, I was party of one on the dance floor. 

Not one to compete against my PB, I took the hint and sat my happy ass down. The PB, obviously oblivious to our mating dance and I knew that PB was thirsty that night, I was over it. While I sat and drank my drink, I gleaned over the far distance to see security trying to move my friend, the birthday boy, and remove him from the club. 

Curious to know what was happening, I realized that my friend was virtually immobile from the alcohol, perhaps blacked out? All the while, security was trying to get him to leave the bar. 

As I turn to reach out to PB, I see him making out with the dude I was attracted to and while I was disappointed (not in them making out), but in that my party buddy/ friend was  after a guy i expressed interest in and he expressed NON-interest in the same guy. 

Whatever, #OverIt. 

but I thought, who does that? what kind of a friend would go after someone in whom you've expressed interest in? 

So the night is over. I walk out with my (drunken) friend and decide to take him back to the hotel where he decided to stay. 

I managed to sober up fairly quickly, but I come back to the scene of the crime to try and find the PB, so that we can go home and end this sordid night. 

I found him... and he was looking for the boy. Apparently, the boy left my friend in search of someone else. He was pretty popular that night, obviously making his rounds. 

Thank Goodness that it didn't work out for me. 

Guilt.

Sometimes, I feel so guilty to even want to seek him out. When he was in the picture, he did a lot of harm. Never satisfied with what he had in front of him, he was always looking for something better. I learned lessons with him being here that I would not have learned otherwise. I learned to be strong, to be independent. I learned to never accept less than what I deserve.

With all of that said, I can't help but miss him. And so I realize that its complete and utter torture, knowing that both he and I are better off with keeping him at a distance.

Just last night, on my way home from a night out, I realized that I have his number, I sent him a simple message... "Hello."

To my surprise, he replied instantly, "I miss you."

Love and I

Sometimes I think of my love life and begin to think that Love and I have not been the greatest of friends.

In the words of this song, "I want to love again."

It is interesting to me, how I am successful in other aspects of my life, yet this is the only one where I have shortcomings. And so I keep it moving, what else am I to do?

I am sure that I am not the only one out there who feels this way.

I hate that I love you so...

Two years ago, I fell in love... he was charming and ideal. "Who wouldn't want him?" I thought!

I remember it like it was just yesterday. I was standing by the bar, nursing my drink... he approached me and called me by name. Surprised, I replied, "Yes, that's me. Who are you?" he introduced himself to me and said, "we have a mutual friend in common and I saw your Facebook profile." Embarrassed he said, "I wasn't stalking you, but I cannot forget your face." 

We exchanged numbers that night and contacted each other periodically. We always made plans to see each other... and how I enjoyed it when I saw him. While we were still strangers, we quickly learned that we had a lot in common. I loved when he complimented me and I enjoyed his embraces. 

We spent a great deal of time together. I was ready to elevate whatever it was that we were developing to the next level. 

Try to imagine my heartache when I saw him embracing someone else. Instantly, my heart cracked and shattered like glass. I saw him in the reflection of the mirror in front of me. He must have felt my eyes piercing his soul. he looked in the mirror to see my reflection there. I quickly wiped away silent tears. He approached me and asked if I was okay. Hastily, I composed myself, and said that all was well... He whispers in my ear, I am sorry if I hurt you....but I love him and I wish to see where this goes. 

Very dignified, I said, "I wish you the best... and hope that you find that which you are searching for."

That night, I deleted him from my Facebook, and from my life. 

I avoided contact with him... even though his friends have reached out to me. They see me in familiar places and approach me, to tell me all about him... 

It has been one year, and I miss him so... He still haunts my memories.

Is it Almost Over?

The end is near, I fear. It didn't last long but in my mind I have already concluded that this simply cannot continue any further.

Last night, I was in class (one of three classes that I have every week), and realized how hectic my week is going to be will all my assignments due (plus work). I get home, feeling a bit overwhelmed, trying hard to fend off a headache. I take an aspirin, but my mind is racing. I can't seem to focus clearly. I have the TV on but not really watching, laying in bed with many thoughts racing all about and then he calls...

If it had been anyone else, I would have ignored the call and resumed a conversation via text, as I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, but against my better judgement, I picked up his call.  After the mandatory salutations and brief concern for each other's day, he wanted to discuss our upcoming date for the weekend.

Let me give you a bit of history.
He doesn't have reliable transportation, so regarding our date, he was planning on having his two female friends (Lesbians) join us. 

He mentions to me that his friends want to go only to a certain place, and in a certain area (+ lesbian females, - gay males). Because on our previous date, I made it quite clear that we will have to meet at a half-way point, our next "date" will have to be in the East Los Angeles adjacent area... seeing how this area is void of gay-friendly establishments, he is having a hard time committing to a place, especially because he wants to go dancing after dinner. Finally, I asked, 1) do your friends have to come? and 2) Can't you rent a car? or something? I mean really.

What irks me about this conversation with him is that he's the one that wants to meet. I certainly do not wish to travel to West Hollywood every single time he gets an itch and wants to see me. Specially because I live near the Orange County border, nearly a 30 mile commute traveling one way). 

Obviously sounding exasperated, I tell him that things have changed for me and that this weekend seems really inopportune for me to make any plans outside of my home. I have too many assignments and after this weekend we can discuss rescheduling another date night. It is only appropriate, I think. Seeming defeated over the phone, he says to me that it is his fault but that if I can be patient, soon he'll have a reliable mode of transportation.

So I am perplexed. I know I share some fault in this, specially because I let this draw out for too long. But I simply cannot understand the roles that certain people play. For the most part, people want to portray their best "self" when embarking on a new love, or something like it. Right?!  Even though, I am flawed like every other person out there. I wish to exemplify character traits that I could find appealing in a potential mate. Personally, I strive and make an effort when there is something outside of me that can serve as an obstacle. In this case, lets say, I was the one without transportation... I would exhaust my resources in an effort to go and see him, if that is what I wanted to do. Knowing that I would have to take public transportation, I would call for an earlier meet up time. These are things that I have done in the past and things that I would continue to do, if that is how I proved that I was interested in someone. His lack of effort is disappointing and disenchanting, to say the least.

Disney sold me a dream, I do not believe can really happen. Where is my knight in shinning armor? a Prince Charming?! I know that is not realistic but come on?! Am I asking for too much? I just want a tall boy with his own car and a disposable income... because I am a tall boy with my own car and a disposable income!!

Lazy Sunday...

For the first time in a long while, I have a Sunday to lay about the house and just relax. My darling cat, Precioso, must have been tired too...

With the options on TV dwindling down to virtually nothing, i decided to write an entry for my blog... talk about lazy Sundays. lol

This morning, I had every intention of meeting up a friend for brunch, however that did not work out. I've done my best to ignore calls from people that I do not want to bog me down with their negativity. (They are probably not reading this blog anyways.) I am sure they are out creating more drama for themselves.

As for me, the guy that I am talking to has reached out to me asking me to join him for "Madame Butterfly" which will be premiering at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion  in Downtown Los Angeles soon.. I cannot help it, but I am looking forward to this event. I am already considering what to have for dinner before the show.

In other aspects of my life, I am making more of an effort to reach out to people in my life. I wish to create a solid infrastructure of people in my life and ridding myself of people that no longer serve a purpose.

He finds me Intimidating...

In conversation, he said he finds me intimidating... is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Truth is, he is not the first to say this to me, I have heard it before. I asked him "Why do you think that I'm intimidating  his reply was, "because you have a strong personality!"

I have never shied away from the conversation... I am sincerely interested to know why people find me unapproachable or intimidating... because the reality is that I am the most approachable "down to earth" person that you could ever meet. Sure it takes a while for people to get to know the real me... but people often find me to be genuine. I often lead my personal relationships with two key traits: Honesty and Loyalty. In jest, I often say things outside of my real nature. Most recently, I caught myself saying "I'm the t-shirt and jeans type of guy, even though I would never get caught wearing a t-shirt with jeans!." In addition, I often use a famous quote from Faye Dunaway, "I'm a bit high-maintenance, a little hot and cold never hurts."  Now, under normal circumstances when the person doesn't really know me, this can obviously be misconstrued. However, I am sincere when I say, that I am highly approachable and not the least bit intimidating.

Well, interestingly enough, I find that maybe some people just don't get my humor... could that be perhaps the reason why anyone would find me intimidating?! I doubt it.

So last night, I was on the phone with this guy, and in the course of conversation, while discussing life and its perplexities, he stopped me abruptly and said... "You are a strong person, of formidable character because you're such a Type A personality." I'm sure he meant that as a compliment... so I said, "Thank you." The question still remains, What is it in me that people are most intimidated by?

I used to have a boss who was quite abrasive and a bit abusive to his staff. He would yell and holler and scream orders all day, every day. However, he never yelled at me and spoke in a condescending manner to me. His daughter, who worked in our office, confided in me that it was because he didn't want to loose me as an employee and he knew that I would not put up with this behavior, I realize that she was right... I certainly wouldn't put up with it. Now, that I am older, I find that there is no need to accept certain behaviors or allow people to belittle us. So I will not cower or stop shinning my light so that other people can be at ease. I will shine my light as bright as I can, so that people can feel free to shine their own light too. I am realizing now, that this intimidates people but I mean no harm by it, so please don't mind me!

-Rob

I Am Not Ready To Love!

In my adult life, I have unknowingly sabotaged many blossoming relationships with men. For whatever reason, I find that the men who come into my life, are opportunist to some degree. Some vocally expressing it, while others quietly hinting at a specific thing. Whether it is a request for a "loan" or to pay a bill or even to pay for some of their expenses. When faced with these situations, I acknowledge the red flags and heed the warning. I politely tell my "love interest" that they need to move on for they will not find what they are looking for in me.

After being single for some time, I decided to try this "love" thing once again. So most recently, I met a guy...

While he is quite talkative and always posses wonderful talking points. I must admit that I certainly enjoy talking to him... however, in the course of the always ackward "getting to know each other" phase. He has disclosed some baggage that he is currently dealing with. Personally, I am also dealing with baggage of my own, so I certainly do not hold it against him. He has mentioned to me that he is dealing with financial, personal, and professional issues. Might I add that he is 17 years my senior.  I realized that our world is no longer the same as it was years before. So is it fair to say that I would have hoped that by his age of 47, he figured out his issues? For me, I would only hope that by the age of  35 to resolve my own issues.

We have gone out on one date, which was quite lovely by any standards. We met for dinner at a restaurant and shared in continous conversation for nearly 3 hours. My goodness, who would have thought we could go on for that long. The service staff at the restaurant was in the back, since we were the only two patrons at this restaurant, and they just let us be, with no interruptions. Sadly, this was a good and bad thing because when I wanted to order another glass of wine, they were nowhere to be found.  At the end of the meal and when we were finally ready to ask for the bill... he asked me to split the bill in half with him. I was a bit surprised because in my culture, we grow up with the mentality that whomever invites is the one who pays, period. In this case, he invited, therefore, in my mind, he pays. Regardless, I said sure but I expressed my discontent, explained my culture to him. We discussed the possibility of another potential date and that we would discuss the details over the phone.

At this point, it has been several days since our date and he has certainly expressed interest in more dates and getting to know each other, potentially leading to a relationship. This is where my apprehension comes into play. I am used to being single and not having to provide someone a status on my personal dealings. Like, when are you getting home? what time did you get off work? and such... I certainly need to get used to this interest in a "stranger." I say stranger because I still don't know who he really is. We have conversed over phone and met up once. We share some things in common but is it enough?  He confessed to being a part-time student and being on academic probation. He shared having some difficulties in his study and expressed needing some help. This leads me to a red flag.

Is this where I want to be? I have my own goals and ambitions. Does he help or hurt me in reaching my own goals? Can I sacrifice to enrich him with his goals? These questions lead me to believe that I am certainly not ready to love someone. Perhaps, I am not ready to love him. Anyone else, I could have dismissed and said "so long sucka!" but this guy has really made me rethink my priorities.

I once heard, "the people whom you attract are a mirror of the person you are." This statement often scares me because I am surrounded by many people who serve as a scary warning. So for me to fall in love with someone who presents baggage and asks me to sort it out for them, often means it is my queue to leave.

-Rob

Holding On.

I seem to hold on to things that no longer mean anything to anyone.

Years ago, I was given a beautiful angel of wishes by a friend. At that time, this was a newly developing friendship. Where in I spread my wings and sheltered him, showing him the ways without letting him get hurt. Much like a Guardian angel, I observed and let him decide for himself, never interfering but protecting him still. During that time in my life, I was developing a stronger sense of self and people felt intimidated by it. People were coming in and out of my life with secret intended messages, and so their purposes were limited. But I held on...

This same person I speak off, he is no longer in my life. Biting the hand that feeds you will often result in being striken by that same hand. He bit and in my hurt, I struck him. Now when we see each other we often look the other way. Maybe because we are embarrassed or hurt or a combination of both... But I still hold on.... I see his gift and I wonder why I still hold on...

Maybe i keep the gift because after all it was given... but it no longer means anything to me... it's still beautiful to look at... but it means nothing to me sentimentally. Is there any sense in holding on still?

-Rob

Love

The year was 1994, when the world first heard Madonna's Bedtime Stories. By this time, I had already read George Hebert's famous poem, Love. It's a beautiful poem, while you're reading, listen to the song, you'll find it eerily similar.

Love.

Love bade me welcome; yet my soul drew back
guilty of dust and sin.
But quick eyed love, observing me grow slack
from my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lack anything.

"A guest" I answered, "worthy to be here."
Love said, "You shall be he."
"I, the unkind, ungrateful? Ah, my dear,
I cannot look on thee."
Love took my hand, and smiling, did reply,
"Who made the eyes but I?"

"Truth, Lord, but I have marred them: let my shame
Go where it doth deserve"
"And know you not," says Love, "Who bore the blame?"
"My dear, then I will serve."
"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."
So I did sit and eat.

-George Hebert

Madonna's song Love tried to welcome me from her Bedtime Stories Album (1994.)

The Desiderata, Max Ehrman, 1927

Most recently, I came across The Desiderata, a poem written in 1927 and credited to Max Ehrman. The wisdom detailed below is timeless. 

The Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, 

and remember what peace there may be in silence. 

As far as possible, without surrender, 

be on good terms with all persons. 

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; 

and listen to others, 

even to the dull and the ignorant; 

they too have their story. 

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; 

they are vexatious to the spirit. 

If you compare yourself with others, 

you may become vain or bitter, 

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; 

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. 

Exercise caution in your business affairs, 

for the world is full of trickery. 

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; 

many persons strive for high ideals, 

and everywhere life is full of heroism. 

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. 

Neither be cynical about love, 

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, 

it is as perennial as the grass. 

Take kindly the counsel of the years, 

gracefully surrendering the things of youth. 

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. 

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. 

Beyond a wholesome discipline, 

be gentle with yourself. 

You are a child of the universe 

no less than the trees and the stars; 

you have a right to be here. 

And whether or not it is clear to you, 

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

Therefore be at peace with God, 

whatever you conceive Him to be. 

And whatever your labors and aspirations, 

in the noisy confusion of life, 

keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, 

it is still a beautiful world. 

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.