Haunted by my past.

He appears as quickly as he vanished from my life, nearly four years ago. I still remember the actions that eventually caused me walk away. You see, we met under circumstances that were not ideal but whether it was intoxication or the whirlwind of newness that brought him into my life, the point is that he would become my boyfriend.

The relationship was lived rather shortly. In that time, he drank too much and I did not have the patience to be tied down. Unbeknownst to him, I was having a fling with a person who did not take me serious, but I would have given it all for him.

It happens to me all the time. When I find someone I can see myself with, I go and meet someone else who distracts me.

I called this man my boyfriend, but to him I was property. Short of having a GPS embedded in my skin, he needed to know where I was at all times. Personally, he says that he was intuitive and felt that someone else was winning me over. While I never confirmed it, he was right.

In the words of Jewel, “the heart can hallucinate when it is starved for love.” Four years later, he would come back into my life, asking to rekindle what was once a fire.

I just do not know how to let him back in. I have built walls so thick that no one would consider breaking through and now this man is asking for a piece of my heart and I just don’t know how to undo all of this work.

I said that I would be willing to get to know this version of him. The man I knew him to be was dark and hurt, and fragile. I too was damaged goods. I have changed from the person I used to be. He claims to have done the same. Now, he is asking me to get to know him all over again.

I just feel like I cannot allow myself to be invested this time around because I do not want to feel like I have become desperate for a relationship. I feel the emptiness and in my mind, I think that he is trying to exploit that in me. However, I will allow myself to get to know him and I will reintroduce myself to him. It always felt like our story was never complete. And while I do not expect to have a happy ending, I do expect to end this chapter.

Friendship Rings

This weekend, while working at my side job, a long time work friend approached me.

See, we have been working together for what seems like the longest time, nearly seven years. He and I have always had this off-the-wall relationship. We constantly flirt with each other. However, for various reasons, I have never taken him seriously with any of the things that he says to me. And so, because of this, we have gone through our phases of heated sexual-chemistry to cold nonchalant interactions.  

He makes public declarations to other work associates about how he is attracted to me. Further, he tells my boss all the time how he wants me to go over to his place of residence or how he wants to have a better relationship with me. 

I never know how to reply to these declarations because he never vocalizes these declarations to me in private. The reality is that the only declarations he tells me privately are how he wants to engage in a sexual relationship with me. I feel as though, because we work together, I would never engage in just a sexual relationship. I can only imagine how people at work will publicly criticize my character for allowing this to be made public.

So as we sit there, diagonally, across from each other. (I wear a ring on my right hand, with small diamonds encircling the ring, it's less than 1ct.) He sees my ring, shining in the light of the overhead lamp and says to me, "when am I going to get a ring just like yours?" as I looked up to his bright blue eyes, perplexed, I asked, "excuse me?!"

He again says to me that he wants a ring similar to mine. As I calculate my reaction, I simply smile and say that I could never give him a ring like mine because people often confuse it for a wedding band.

He says, "it's okay, we'll just tell people that it is a friendship ring."

Now, it has never occurred to me to have friendship rings with someone other than my best friends. It's really a hard concept for me to grasp; so as I sit there across from this man, I begin to think of how a ring will change the dynamic of our pseudo-relationship. Is this something that I could be prepared for?

Further, my heart tells me that his requests for a ring does not tell me of his true feelings for me. His request for a ring from me, is a materialistic requests for me to buy him something of worth. Which is why I hesitate. I smiled, and simplistically say...."maybe, when we're official."

Misery loves Company

Misery loves company. Yes, we know this. 

He recently reached out to me, asking for my home address. Says he wants to send a traditional Christmas card. I haven't responded to him yet. Don't believe that I will. 

A running theme with me is "strange love." He was the strangest love that I have known. 

Although, I can't begin to quantify my love for him. I must admit that I cared a great deal for his well-being. Surely, that must mean something!? 

The story of Us was short. He tried feeding me his insecurities. I refused. I have always  considered myself to be a complete person, never looking for my "other half." I want another complete person, so that we can accompany each other on this journey. Like myself, he was greatly flawed but it seemed as thou we complemented each other. 

it was when he yelled at me that I could no longer take it. accusing me of faltering, when I never did. in retrospect, it was his insecurities that warped his perception. He saw a reality that was not complete. 

That night was when I said my goodbye forever. 

But he persisted. Coming in and out of my life over the last few years. 

Thinking I could befriend an ex-lover. I was wrong.

I have never been one to befriend a lover. I don't get that concept. If I don't want to be with you romantically, what makes anyone think that we can be friends? I obviously don't like a certain part of you to want to spend time with you otherwise. 

For whatever reason, my exes want to continue to be friends. again, I don't get it.  <hairflip>

Overwhelmed...

December 9, 2012

A few nights ago, I went out on a date to go see a theatre show, here in Los Angeles, CA. I saw "Anything Goes" and it was quite hysterical. So hysterical in fact that I was in stitches practically the whole night.

Well almost.

Have I mentioned that I was on a date?
My date was most interested in me teaching him how to use "Instagram" instead of being interested in learning more about me. Granted, there weren't a lot of opportunities to converse, since we were at a show.

Although, I already made the decision to end this "friendship". I was still open minded to learn more about him and expose myself to seeing the beauty in him.

I told him I'd see him at 7pm and I showed up on time. In my haste, I decided that I needed a drink to deal with him. As I am placing my order for a gin and tonic, I call him to inform him that I have arrived and so that we can meet up. It is now 7:35 or so, when we actually meet up. During this time, the gin and tonic came and went. I met up with him and he asked if I was ready to go inside. I said "sure!" We go inside and lo' and behold, suddenly all the people that he "knows" come out of the woodwork to come and meet me. After a quick "meet and greet" with his "friends," I am left to fend for myself as he was asked away to go take pictures by the Christmas tree inside the theatre house.

Since I was left to my own devices, I went to the nearest bar and told the bartender, "looks like I am gonna need some alcohol to sedate me and not blow up on this nigga." I get my second gin and tonic. By the time that I am done with my drink... it is now time to take our seats. We sit and during this time, he is approached by a couple more "friends" and I do my best to ignore them. Fast forward to 5 minutes later, I teach him how to upload a picture to instagram and then the show starts.

The first act was hysterical. I was in stitches the whole time. The actors were amazing and the performances were on point. The musical numbers were wonderful and I was literally humming along. I'm kind of annoying in the theatre.

During the intermission, he didn't wish to go to the foyer. So we sat there and I perused the Performances Magazine. He was people-watching and the only conversation he initiated was, "You don't tend to check other guys out," I replied, "well I thought I was on a date." Further, he also asked if I wanted to go to dinner after the show. Internally, I was thinking this guy is a fucking joke and I had to ask myself, why do I continue to associate myself with someone so low.

The second act was decent. The numbers were in line with the performances prior to the intermission. However, at this point the show reached its intensity and was now gradually coming to a close, completing the story lines.

After the show ended and we were now exiting the show. He says that he needs to get his personal belongings. I tell him that  I will wait for him outside the doors. 20 minutes later, I see a glimpse of him in the distance saying goodbye to his friends. and I'm like ugh! I'm already fed up.

We go to my car and as I am exiting the carport, I asked "where to?" and he asked me if I was still in the mood for dinner?, I replied, I must get home. Where am I dropping you off? he asked if I can take him home. I said, sure! During this point, any initiation of conversation is quickly shot down by my dry and short answers. I choose not to elaborate. I am tired and I am at the point where anything he may say will release the inner bitch within me. So I try my hardest to be mindful of his feelings.

Finally as I am getting on the 101 freeway out of downtown Los Angeles, towards his residence. He turns to me and says, "you know, I really think that we will be better as friends, instead of lovers." I start chuckling. I am at the light, exiting the freeway on Santa Monica Blvd, I turn to him and say, "You're a great person, I know this, but I don't think we can be friends either." Puzzled he says, "did I say something wrong?" To which, I replied, "You didn't say anything wrong. The problem is that you didn't say anything at all. We don't have any chemistry and it was obvious tonight. Further, I don't see you in my short term and long term plans, so WHY even bother keeping up the facade?!, let us just end this now and on good terms!"

He agreed and as he got out of my car, he turns to me and says, "We'll be in touch?", I reply, "No, we won't, but take care of yourself."

He Called...

He is nowhere near. In fact, he's 7052 miles away from me, on the other side of the world.

But he called me. Late for me, too early for him. but he left a voice mail message saying how much he missed me. This is why it is that I want to run to his arms every single time I see him. But my better judgement prohibits from reaching out to him. Strange Love.

So sick of this game. tired of the premise. no one ever wins.

I can't deny that I miss him most when he calls me and tells me that I am his.

But sadly, our story is one that cannot persist, at least not in this life time.

It reminds me of the scene from Memoirs of a Geisha, when Sayuri and the Chairman meet at the end and she says to him, "Can't you see? Every step I have taken, since I was that child on the bridge, has been to bring myself closer to you."

Well this is exactly how I feel when he is near.

Why does he have a hold on me?

I wanted to kiss him...

Friday Night.

More than enough reasons to celebrate. The end of a long week. Pay day. A friend's birthday festivities. 

After having dinner in the company of wonderful people. It was intended that I finish the night in Long Beach. I was accompanied by a party buddy (PB). After the pre-game and binging at the bar, we came across my friend, whose birthday we were celebrating. 

He was accompanied by many people, at least 10 other individuals. After the customary introductions, my PB and I settled and started dancing. While my PB and I danced, PB was busy checking out the individuals accompanying my friend. He was sizing them up and plotting a move on the hottest one of all. So this plan was unsuccessful because the hottest one there, left early with his boyfriend. PB was slightly disappointed, but as they say "on to the next." 

In the group, there was a boy, who was not attractive by conventional standards, but still rather "fuckable." Whether it was the alcohol talking or pure animalistic desire. I set out to make a move. I inched my way closer and made myself approachable for him but the hungry voltures were on the move, a lot faster than myself. In a blink of an eye, a short troll was already grinding on this guy. Since my motto is, "Thou shall not block the cock," I took a step back and let the troll proceed, occasionally yelling out, "get it girl, get it!!"

Since the troll was highly intoxicated, he was escorted off the dance floor fairly quickly. 

I, again, inched my way closer. getting his attention and having him fixate on the sway of my hips, back and forth, back and forth. PB gets between the two of us and before you knew it, I was party of one on the dance floor. 

Not one to compete against my PB, I took the hint and sat my happy ass down. The PB, obviously oblivious to our mating dance and I knew that PB was thirsty that night, I was over it. While I sat and drank my drink, I gleaned over the far distance to see security trying to move my friend, the birthday boy, and remove him from the club. 

Curious to know what was happening, I realized that my friend was virtually immobile from the alcohol, perhaps blacked out? All the while, security was trying to get him to leave the bar. 

As I turn to reach out to PB, I see him making out with the dude I was attracted to and while I was disappointed (not in them making out), but in that my party buddy/ friend was  after a guy i expressed interest in and he expressed NON-interest in the same guy. 

Whatever, #OverIt. 

but I thought, who does that? what kind of a friend would go after someone in whom you've expressed interest in? 

So the night is over. I walk out with my (drunken) friend and decide to take him back to the hotel where he decided to stay. 

I managed to sober up fairly quickly, but I come back to the scene of the crime to try and find the PB, so that we can go home and end this sordid night. 

I found him... and he was looking for the boy. Apparently, the boy left my friend in search of someone else. He was pretty popular that night, obviously making his rounds. 

Thank Goodness that it didn't work out for me.