Haunted by my past.

He appears as quickly as he vanished from my life, nearly four years ago. I still remember the actions that eventually caused me walk away. You see, we met under circumstances that were not ideal but whether it was intoxication or the whirlwind of newness that brought him into my life, the point is that he would become my boyfriend.

The relationship was lived rather shortly. In that time, he drank too much and I did not have the patience to be tied down. Unbeknownst to him, I was having a fling with a person who did not take me serious, but I would have given it all for him.

It happens to me all the time. When I find someone I can see myself with, I go and meet someone else who distracts me.

I called this man my boyfriend, but to him I was property. Short of having a GPS embedded in my skin, he needed to know where I was at all times. Personally, he says that he was intuitive and felt that someone else was winning me over. While I never confirmed it, he was right.

In the words of Jewel, “the heart can hallucinate when it is starved for love.” Four years later, he would come back into my life, asking to rekindle what was once a fire.

I just do not know how to let him back in. I have built walls so thick that no one would consider breaking through and now this man is asking for a piece of my heart and I just don’t know how to undo all of this work.

I said that I would be willing to get to know this version of him. The man I knew him to be was dark and hurt, and fragile. I too was damaged goods. I have changed from the person I used to be. He claims to have done the same. Now, he is asking me to get to know him all over again.

I just feel like I cannot allow myself to be invested this time around because I do not want to feel like I have become desperate for a relationship. I feel the emptiness and in my mind, I think that he is trying to exploit that in me. However, I will allow myself to get to know him and I will reintroduce myself to him. It always felt like our story was never complete. And while I do not expect to have a happy ending, I do expect to end this chapter.

Desperately seeking him...

I'm here and you are not.

I miss you.

I want to run into the middle of the streets and scream out your name,but I know that I could never find you.

He Called...

He is nowhere near. In fact, he's 7052 miles away from me, on the other side of the world.

But he called me. Late for me, too early for him. but he left a voice mail message saying how much he missed me. This is why it is that I want to run to his arms every single time I see him. But my better judgement prohibits from reaching out to him. Strange Love.

So sick of this game. tired of the premise. no one ever wins.

I can't deny that I miss him most when he calls me and tells me that I am his.

But sadly, our story is one that cannot persist, at least not in this life time.

It reminds me of the scene from Memoirs of a Geisha, when Sayuri and the Chairman meet at the end and she says to him, "Can't you see? Every step I have taken, since I was that child on the bridge, has been to bring myself closer to you."

Well this is exactly how I feel when he is near.

Why does he have a hold on me?

Guilt.

Sometimes, I feel so guilty to even want to seek him out. When he was in the picture, he did a lot of harm. Never satisfied with what he had in front of him, he was always looking for something better. I learned lessons with him being here that I would not have learned otherwise. I learned to be strong, to be independent. I learned to never accept less than what I deserve.

With all of that said, I can't help but miss him. And so I realize that its complete and utter torture, knowing that both he and I are better off with keeping him at a distance.

Just last night, on my way home from a night out, I realized that I have his number, I sent him a simple message... "Hello."

To my surprise, he replied instantly, "I miss you."

I hate that I love you so...

Two years ago, I fell in love... he was charming and ideal. "Who wouldn't want him?" I thought!

I remember it like it was just yesterday. I was standing by the bar, nursing my drink... he approached me and called me by name. Surprised, I replied, "Yes, that's me. Who are you?" he introduced himself to me and said, "we have a mutual friend in common and I saw your Facebook profile." Embarrassed he said, "I wasn't stalking you, but I cannot forget your face." 

We exchanged numbers that night and contacted each other periodically. We always made plans to see each other... and how I enjoyed it when I saw him. While we were still strangers, we quickly learned that we had a lot in common. I loved when he complimented me and I enjoyed his embraces. 

We spent a great deal of time together. I was ready to elevate whatever it was that we were developing to the next level. 

Try to imagine my heartache when I saw him embracing someone else. Instantly, my heart cracked and shattered like glass. I saw him in the reflection of the mirror in front of me. He must have felt my eyes piercing his soul. he looked in the mirror to see my reflection there. I quickly wiped away silent tears. He approached me and asked if I was okay. Hastily, I composed myself, and said that all was well... He whispers in my ear, I am sorry if I hurt you....but I love him and I wish to see where this goes. 

Very dignified, I said, "I wish you the best... and hope that you find that which you are searching for."

That night, I deleted him from my Facebook, and from my life. 

I avoided contact with him... even though his friends have reached out to me. They see me in familiar places and approach me, to tell me all about him... 

It has been one year, and I miss him so... He still haunts my memories.