Once bitten, twice shy

The fall always makes me think of you. I wish I could say that the cold reminds me of you. But cold weather is not something that happens in Southern California.

Maybe it’s the precursor to the holidays. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling nostalgic. I really can’t pinpoint why it is that I recently thought of you. Perhaps you’ve been calling me with your mind. But I remembered that your birthday is coming up and so I decided to buy you a birthday card.

In all honesty, it is not my intention to reach out to you. I think because of our salty experiences, it is just easiest not to contact you.  And maybe that’s why you haven’t called or emailed.

Dare I say it, I hold you dear in my heart and truly that is what may have sparked the thought to get you a card and let you know that I care.

But I wonder, how it will be received. Should I even bother? I asked around, and people advised me against contacting you. They said, “the dreaded ex is like the plague.”  While I don’t consider you like the plague, I definitely think twice before reaching out. I don’t want to give either of us a glimmer of hope that the embers can spark up again.

I guess lately, I have been thinking about you more frequently. I wonder how your life is. I hope that you have found what you are looking for. I hope that you are happy. Sincerely.

Education and Goals

Today I was a more honest with myself than I tend to be.  Don’t get me wrong. I am quite honest with others and myself but today was a bit deeper than usual.  I had lunch with one of the managers that I support. As we sit across the table from each other, she starts telling me about a situation with her niece and how she recently dropped out of high school.

This subject hits home because I too dropped out of high school. Most of my friends don’t know this about me. Moreover, this is one of those things that I choose not to tell people. Can you blame me?

My story is a bit different from most high school dropouts. I managed to get my GED, a Bachelor’s and now my Masters.  Most of the dropouts that I meet can’t say the same. And by no means am I the exception. There certainly are a great deal of people who share my story; who truly are enterprising people. I just never thought that I would utter those words simply because it serves no real purpose.

Knowing this about me does not take away any of my achievements or make any of these any more or less exceptional. 

But I told this to my manager in the course of conversation. This is one of those things that I like to keep to myself. However, in the course of conversing with my manager, I told her this so that she can give hope to her niece that so long as you apply yourself to something, you can achieve wonderful results. That’s the reality.

I am a strong believer that “you are not a product of your environment.”  You can manifest a different reality than those around you but it will take hard work and dedication.  I know that for some, they are victims of their environments. Or maybe, I should say, they allow themselves to be victims of their environments. But don’t get me wrong. I believe that there is institutionalized system of limitations that prevent a person from getting out. But it is possible, you can get out. Look at me, my public school education was mediocre at best but I am smart. I sought my own education and passed my GED exam on the first try. My college school grades were in the A’s and B’s, and the same goes for my Master’s.

I did not give up even when it was easy to. I kept at it even when I had enough of it. That is my story. 

A Friend's Wedding

Today I bore witness to a dear friend's wedding.

Let me preface this story by telling you that I don't like weddings and I don't like going to weddings. I stopped going to church services when my church vocalized their distaste for my "lifestyle."  Of course this was during a time when I, myself, didn't know what that was.  But it proves that messages are heard, loud and clear. Since this time, I was oppose to attending a church service that admonished homosexuals. Plus, the concept of marriage was foreign to me because I am gay and (at the time) wasn't allowed to marry the person I loved. (Thankfully, this is no longer the case in California.)

Regardless of these facts, I still had not stepped inside a place of service. Literally, in the last 10 years.

Today was a day that I will remember for a good while because I bore witness to the union of my friend and her fiance (now her husband). Conversations of romantic involvements and commitments ensued through the night. Looking at the happy faces in the crowds, all of it. had me in awe. For a moment, it even had me in tears.  Now don't go thinking that I am the type of guy that cries at weddings because I am not an easy crier. But tonight I had my heart on my sleeve.

For so many years, I was closed off to the idea that I could marry and so, I closed myself off to the whole concept that I was allowed to love someone else. But today, I have renewed faith that I can love and be loved and our love is not shameful or blasphemic in the eyes of God. Because God is Love.

How dare she...

She actually uttered the words, "and when I die, YOU will care for my child!"
My response was, "isn't that the reason why you choose godparents?!"

I know that I will bear the burden of caring for her child but don't explicitly ask me to do it.

Where do I begin... to tell this story?

The start is always a good place to start but it gives you too many unnecessary details that bias your judgement. Sometimes, the details that we already know help to construct the story we need to tell without having to go ALL the way back to the beginning. See, all those details no longer apply.

When I think of the times I have been in love, I realize that I have always given too much of myself. But you see, that's what you do when you're in love, right? You give all that you can and then some.

Can you give soo much that you become empty? or does it continuously replenish so that you can continue to give and give? I think of it like oxygen, in order for breathable air to be available, other particles must do their work in order to have air. Otherwise, all that there would be left, is exhaust.

I hope that analogy made some kind of sense to some of you.

I Still...

breathe for you.

6 months later...

I intended to maintain this blog much longer than I did. I thought, "I'm such a good story teller, people should be able to read snippets of my 'exhuberant' life." Of course that never happened. Fibs!

But I did intend to share pieces of my life. Sadly, pieces were taken from me and I had nothing left to give. 

But this isn't a pity story about things that may or may not have happened, or things that were or weren't said. It's just a reality of my perception based on the actions that took place. 

Over the last 6 months, many scenarios played out and as it should be expected, some of those scenarios brought serious consequences. 

In my best Beyonce voice, "I haven't been feeling like myself since the baby!."  Yes, there is a baby involved now. Never my own, but like my own skin. You see, this baby is my sister's and based on her circumstances, I may need to assume responsibility for the baby's well being.  That scenario will need to play out, first. 

Subsequently, I have been gainfully employed over the same amount of time, which truly explains why I have been absent (at least on here). 

I guess I am happy. "I guess", being the imperative word. I am at the point where I don't even want my number. I don't want anything that holds me back. I don't want to be a responsible adult. I don't want any of it. I am sick and tired. Mostly sick. Mostly tired. Like it doesn't even make sense to me. The reality is that I feel stifled. Like, where did we fall off? like, when did I become this person!?!

In Absentia...

It has been a while since my last post and many things have happened in my life. Some good and some not so good.

Over the Christmas holiday, he came back with a vengeance asking for my hand in marriage. The proposal was rather unorthodox, not a fabled love story by any means. I am rather simple to please and do not require much. However, there are certain things that I will require. I require commitment and conviction. You do not have to be right so long as you believe it with every part of your being.

He called me on Christmas Eve and said, "I just called to ask you one thing. Will you marry me?"

My response was not ideal. I retorted, "Do you have a ring?" his response, "No." I continued on to say other things like, "how was your day? What are your plans for xmas? How did you spent your birthday?

The truth is, had he said, "Yes, I have a ring for you." My response would have been automatic and emphatically, "Yes!” But you see, his lack of commitment in getting a ring prior to asking made me believe that he was not serious about "US," and if he couldn't commit then why should I?

Now, it has been several weeks since that unfortunate day that I received a marriage proposal over the phone. We have gone out a couple of times, too. He, in fact, did change. He no longer drinks or smokes. Over the last outing, he bought me three drinks and I felt like such a lush since I was the only one drinking alcoholic beverages. Ironically, I do not need to drink to have a good time, but since he kept buying, I kept drinking. I felt utter disappointment in myself by continuing to drink in front of him. However, he took advantage of this opportunity by asking me direct questions about us. As they say, drunks and small children will tell you no lies. I told him everything that was weighing on my chest about our situation and I said this with his feelings in mind. I delivered the blows gently (or so I thought). After our night out, he took me to dinner/breakfast; at this point, my drunkenness got the better of me and started to sabotage our evening by making wry comments about what I want. Of course, he could not provide these things. Even more reasons why I knew that I was messing up.

Despite the circumstances, I am sure now that I do not want a relationship. Not with him, nor anyone else. I do not believe that I am physically or emotionally ready to take on a relationship. I must work out some critical issues before giving into a relationship. Recently, I went out with my longtime friend and she confirmed this thought.

I simply hope that I can work my issues out before it becomes too late.