In Absentia...

It has been a while since my last post and many things have happened in my life. Some good and some not so good.

Over the Christmas holiday, he came back with a vengeance asking for my hand in marriage. The proposal was rather unorthodox, not a fabled love story by any means. I am rather simple to please and do not require much. However, there are certain things that I will require. I require commitment and conviction. You do not have to be right so long as you believe it with every part of your being.

He called me on Christmas Eve and said, "I just called to ask you one thing. Will you marry me?"

My response was not ideal. I retorted, "Do you have a ring?" his response, "No." I continued on to say other things like, "how was your day? What are your plans for xmas? How did you spent your birthday?

The truth is, had he said, "Yes, I have a ring for you." My response would have been automatic and emphatically, "Yes!” But you see, his lack of commitment in getting a ring prior to asking made me believe that he was not serious about "US," and if he couldn't commit then why should I?

Now, it has been several weeks since that unfortunate day that I received a marriage proposal over the phone. We have gone out a couple of times, too. He, in fact, did change. He no longer drinks or smokes. Over the last outing, he bought me three drinks and I felt like such a lush since I was the only one drinking alcoholic beverages. Ironically, I do not need to drink to have a good time, but since he kept buying, I kept drinking. I felt utter disappointment in myself by continuing to drink in front of him. However, he took advantage of this opportunity by asking me direct questions about us. As they say, drunks and small children will tell you no lies. I told him everything that was weighing on my chest about our situation and I said this with his feelings in mind. I delivered the blows gently (or so I thought). After our night out, he took me to dinner/breakfast; at this point, my drunkenness got the better of me and started to sabotage our evening by making wry comments about what I want. Of course, he could not provide these things. Even more reasons why I knew that I was messing up.

Despite the circumstances, I am sure now that I do not want a relationship. Not with him, nor anyone else. I do not believe that I am physically or emotionally ready to take on a relationship. I must work out some critical issues before giving into a relationship. Recently, I went out with my longtime friend and she confirmed this thought.

I simply hope that I can work my issues out before it becomes too late.

He Called...

He is nowhere near. In fact, he's 7052 miles away from me, on the other side of the world.

But he called me. Late for me, too early for him. but he left a voice mail message saying how much he missed me. This is why it is that I want to run to his arms every single time I see him. But my better judgement prohibits from reaching out to him. Strange Love.

So sick of this game. tired of the premise. no one ever wins.

I can't deny that I miss him most when he calls me and tells me that I am his.

But sadly, our story is one that cannot persist, at least not in this life time.

It reminds me of the scene from Memoirs of a Geisha, when Sayuri and the Chairman meet at the end and she says to him, "Can't you see? Every step I have taken, since I was that child on the bridge, has been to bring myself closer to you."

Well this is exactly how I feel when he is near.

Why does he have a hold on me?

Is it Almost Over?

The end is near, I fear. It didn't last long but in my mind I have already concluded that this simply cannot continue any further.

Last night, I was in class (one of three classes that I have every week), and realized how hectic my week is going to be will all my assignments due (plus work). I get home, feeling a bit overwhelmed, trying hard to fend off a headache. I take an aspirin, but my mind is racing. I can't seem to focus clearly. I have the TV on but not really watching, laying in bed with many thoughts racing all about and then he calls...

If it had been anyone else, I would have ignored the call and resumed a conversation via text, as I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, but against my better judgement, I picked up his call.  After the mandatory salutations and brief concern for each other's day, he wanted to discuss our upcoming date for the weekend.

Let me give you a bit of history.
He doesn't have reliable transportation, so regarding our date, he was planning on having his two female friends (Lesbians) join us. 

He mentions to me that his friends want to go only to a certain place, and in a certain area (+ lesbian females, - gay males). Because on our previous date, I made it quite clear that we will have to meet at a half-way point, our next "date" will have to be in the East Los Angeles adjacent area... seeing how this area is void of gay-friendly establishments, he is having a hard time committing to a place, especially because he wants to go dancing after dinner. Finally, I asked, 1) do your friends have to come? and 2) Can't you rent a car? or something? I mean really.

What irks me about this conversation with him is that he's the one that wants to meet. I certainly do not wish to travel to West Hollywood every single time he gets an itch and wants to see me. Specially because I live near the Orange County border, nearly a 30 mile commute traveling one way). 

Obviously sounding exasperated, I tell him that things have changed for me and that this weekend seems really inopportune for me to make any plans outside of my home. I have too many assignments and after this weekend we can discuss rescheduling another date night. It is only appropriate, I think. Seeming defeated over the phone, he says to me that it is his fault but that if I can be patient, soon he'll have a reliable mode of transportation.

So I am perplexed. I know I share some fault in this, specially because I let this draw out for too long. But I simply cannot understand the roles that certain people play. For the most part, people want to portray their best "self" when embarking on a new love, or something like it. Right?!  Even though, I am flawed like every other person out there. I wish to exemplify character traits that I could find appealing in a potential mate. Personally, I strive and make an effort when there is something outside of me that can serve as an obstacle. In this case, lets say, I was the one without transportation... I would exhaust my resources in an effort to go and see him, if that is what I wanted to do. Knowing that I would have to take public transportation, I would call for an earlier meet up time. These are things that I have done in the past and things that I would continue to do, if that is how I proved that I was interested in someone. His lack of effort is disappointing and disenchanting, to say the least.

Disney sold me a dream, I do not believe can really happen. Where is my knight in shinning armor? a Prince Charming?! I know that is not realistic but come on?! Am I asking for too much? I just want a tall boy with his own car and a disposable income... because I am a tall boy with my own car and a disposable income!!