In Absentia...

It has been a while since my last post and many things have happened in my life. Some good and some not so good.

Over the Christmas holiday, he came back with a vengeance asking for my hand in marriage. The proposal was rather unorthodox, not a fabled love story by any means. I am rather simple to please and do not require much. However, there are certain things that I will require. I require commitment and conviction. You do not have to be right so long as you believe it with every part of your being.

He called me on Christmas Eve and said, "I just called to ask you one thing. Will you marry me?"

My response was not ideal. I retorted, "Do you have a ring?" his response, "No." I continued on to say other things like, "how was your day? What are your plans for xmas? How did you spent your birthday?

The truth is, had he said, "Yes, I have a ring for you." My response would have been automatic and emphatically, "Yes!” But you see, his lack of commitment in getting a ring prior to asking made me believe that he was not serious about "US," and if he couldn't commit then why should I?

Now, it has been several weeks since that unfortunate day that I received a marriage proposal over the phone. We have gone out a couple of times, too. He, in fact, did change. He no longer drinks or smokes. Over the last outing, he bought me three drinks and I felt like such a lush since I was the only one drinking alcoholic beverages. Ironically, I do not need to drink to have a good time, but since he kept buying, I kept drinking. I felt utter disappointment in myself by continuing to drink in front of him. However, he took advantage of this opportunity by asking me direct questions about us. As they say, drunks and small children will tell you no lies. I told him everything that was weighing on my chest about our situation and I said this with his feelings in mind. I delivered the blows gently (or so I thought). After our night out, he took me to dinner/breakfast; at this point, my drunkenness got the better of me and started to sabotage our evening by making wry comments about what I want. Of course, he could not provide these things. Even more reasons why I knew that I was messing up.

Despite the circumstances, I am sure now that I do not want a relationship. Not with him, nor anyone else. I do not believe that I am physically or emotionally ready to take on a relationship. I must work out some critical issues before giving into a relationship. Recently, I went out with my longtime friend and she confirmed this thought.

I simply hope that I can work my issues out before it becomes too late.

Te Extraño

A veces me levanto extrañándote; deseando verte una vez más, añorándote, pidiéndole a Dios tenerte a mi lado una vez más.

Pero habrás encontrado hogar en brazos ajenos? Alguien te hará acobijado del frio de la soledad? Ellos no entenderán de que tu todavía serás mío.  Y a mi lado nunca tendrás frio. Cariños y caricias, cualquiera podrá darte. Pero amor como el nuestro, siempre fue un arte. Y aunque no estés a mi lado, y en mi no deseaste ese calor que solo yo te pude dar. Por mi, siempre serás mi amor.

Aunque nunca te ame, aunque nunca te di parte de mi. Yo te pude amar como nadie lo ha hecho hasta hoy. Al fin, me rechazaste por ser quien soy. No podrás dejarme ir. Porque sabes que nuestra historia no se ha terminado. Pero está bien. Te irás y regresaras, por querer estar a mi lado. Sabes lo que valgo. Muy dentro de ti, sabes muy bien y sigues aquí. Aunque hoy soy yo el que te rechaze.

Haunted by my past.

He appears as quickly as he vanished from my life, nearly four years ago. I still remember the actions that eventually caused me walk away. You see, we met under circumstances that were not ideal but whether it was intoxication or the whirlwind of newness that brought him into my life, the point is that he would become my boyfriend.

The relationship was lived rather shortly. In that time, he drank too much and I did not have the patience to be tied down. Unbeknownst to him, I was having a fling with a person who did not take me serious, but I would have given it all for him.

It happens to me all the time. When I find someone I can see myself with, I go and meet someone else who distracts me.

I called this man my boyfriend, but to him I was property. Short of having a GPS embedded in my skin, he needed to know where I was at all times. Personally, he says that he was intuitive and felt that someone else was winning me over. While I never confirmed it, he was right.

In the words of Jewel, “the heart can hallucinate when it is starved for love.” Four years later, he would come back into my life, asking to rekindle what was once a fire.

I just do not know how to let him back in. I have built walls so thick that no one would consider breaking through and now this man is asking for a piece of my heart and I just don’t know how to undo all of this work.

I said that I would be willing to get to know this version of him. The man I knew him to be was dark and hurt, and fragile. I too was damaged goods. I have changed from the person I used to be. He claims to have done the same. Now, he is asking me to get to know him all over again.

I just feel like I cannot allow myself to be invested this time around because I do not want to feel like I have become desperate for a relationship. I feel the emptiness and in my mind, I think that he is trying to exploit that in me. However, I will allow myself to get to know him and I will reintroduce myself to him. It always felt like our story was never complete. And while I do not expect to have a happy ending, I do expect to end this chapter.

I used to call her friend...

I do not know why I decided to do a name search for her... It has been so many years that I have put it behind me. I put all those unresolved issues far behind... where I would not be predisposed to stumble upon it. 

Nevertheless, you see... It was never my intention to look her up. It happened when my mind decided to play a trick on me and brought up a feeling that I once felt, long ago in the land of far away. 

I used to call her friend. She was such a big part of me that I could not muster the thought to do something without her. There is medical terminology for the type of relationship we had... it is called "co-dependent." Well, during our best of times, that is what our relationship was reduced to, co-dependency. However, towards the end, our relationship was virtually non-existent. I hated coming home because a part of me knew that she would be there. Therefore, I would rush home and run to my room and locked the door.  I really do not know what it was that made our friendship morph into something other than that. 

It has been many years since I locked out every part of her that remained. However, when I tell the story of my youth, I find that I have to edit her involvement in my story.  I do not hate her, not one bit. It just hurts me that our ending was so ugly. It had to be done. All things that begin must end.  The reality is that I stopped serving her purpose and she stopped serving mine. The only reason why we continued was that it was habit.  Living together made it harder to walk away.

Let us be clear. It is not my intention to depict a horrible friendship. However, like I said, we stopped serving each other’s purpose and we went our separate ways.

So eight years later, the name of her business came to mind and I wondered if she ever launched her business. This made me curious to look it up.  However, the name of her pseudo-business did not bring up any successful matches; I decided to look up her name.  

This brought up an article of her immigrant story on a social project blogspot. The entry was a few years old.

While, I do not miss her, I sincerely wish her a good life and continued blessings.

Respectfully,

Robert

That was then...

I never understood why he could not say what it was that he felt for me.

maybe I couldn't stand to know the truth.

He always promised me the world, he just couldn't deliver most times.

The reality is that I wanted him more than he wanted me.

The facts are, he could never commit.

I am a realist. I know that perhaps he just didn't want to committ to me
and I am okay with that.

What I am not okay with, is him insisting that I waste my time.

He didn't want me and he didn't want anyone else to have me either.

So that was two years of my time. 2 whole years I wasted on someone who had no intention to keep me.

Lesson Learned.

Portrait of a Family.

Have you ever simply woken up from slumber with the most horrid thought in your head?

So horrid in fact, that the mere thought of it all, perturbs your day?!!

This morning, I found myself, somewhere between dream and reality when the thought of losing my father came to me.  Although somewhere along our lives, we switched roles. He is now like my child, and I am the protector.  It is he, who comes to me to make the family decisions.  It is he, who needs to be protected from the outside world, and sometimes from the inside too. Not having lived the life I would have wanted for myself. From an early age, I felt I needed to assume a role I did not want.  Nonetheless, I faced the world with a brave face, or as brave as I knew how to be, at the time.

At this point in my life, after having overcome some struggles, the thought of losing a parent scares me.  Even though, I am aware that loss is inevitable, and I know that both of my parents have complicated health. The real fear is not in losing a parent. The fear is in losing my family.

See, we come from a rather small family, just one sister and one cousin.  My father’s side of 
the family is getting older now and I see the candle of their life flickering. My mother’s side of the family is virtually non-existent; she has three sisters who bore no children. My parents have been married for 35 years. So many years that they have lived together and they have never been apart. If I were to lose my father first, I know in my heart that my mother could overcome it because she is strong. However, with the loss of my mother, I know that my dad would give into his ailments and die.

What then?

While, I still have my youth, I certainly do not have the stamina to continue doing what people my age do. Do I focus on my career? Do I give up? Do I create a new family? Should I fall in love? There are just too
many questions with no real answers.

The type of relationship that I have with my sister is not very conventional. Truly, it feels like we have been strangers who come together for short periods and we are forced to be in the same room. Now, do not get me wrong! We get along great when we do not annoy each other but with her anger management problem, getting along is a rare moment.  In essence, we do not have the type of relationship that would make either of us put in any effort. Mother always asked me to be the bigger person and simply ignore her grievances, even though I have the scars that could never let me do just that. I cannot imagine my sister reaching out to me after the loss of both my parents.

Which brings me to the point, what will I do when my parents are gone, with no family to look after?  Losing a parent is never easy. I have been a witness to friends who have lost their parents and years later, still mourn their loss. I cannot imagine it getting any easier the older I get.

So now, you see why this thought awoke me from my slumber?!

Afraid to say...

familiar faces in stranger places

I see your face in the strangest of places. Why does it haunt me still?! 

From my tumblr feed, to random pictures my friends posts. Sometimes even when I am out getting coffee. I will randomly see fragmented pieces of what I recognize as your face. 

I know you may think it strange, but I really do see your face. I was out putting gas in my car, I looked over and saw I young man getting out of his car. I looked over to the passenger seat, only to see your face looking back at me. Instantly choking back the excitement from my face, I realized it was not you, but a total stranger, who by mere coincidence looked a lot like you when you used to look at me with love in your eyes. 

See, that look you would give me was so uniquely you. from your wry smile to your facetious nature. 

See this happens all the time and it saddens my heart that you're no longer near. 

I wonder if you ever see my face in the strangers that you meet? 

Perhaps we've lived so many lives together, that now we must be apart.  But I long for your touch. I long for your embrace. Seeming distant and aloof on the surface; I could never let you know that you have me under your spell, but if you touch me one time, you'll see me reappear.