A Friend's Wedding

Today I bore witness to a dear friend's wedding.

Let me preface this story by telling you that I don't like weddings and I don't like going to weddings. I stopped going to church services when my church vocalized their distaste for my "lifestyle."  Of course this was during a time when I, myself, didn't know what that was.  But it proves that messages are heard, loud and clear. Since this time, I was oppose to attending a church service that admonished homosexuals. Plus, the concept of marriage was foreign to me because I am gay and (at the time) wasn't allowed to marry the person I loved. (Thankfully, this is no longer the case in California.)

Regardless of these facts, I still had not stepped inside a place of service. Literally, in the last 10 years.

Today was a day that I will remember for a good while because I bore witness to the union of my friend and her fiance (now her husband). Conversations of romantic involvements and commitments ensued through the night. Looking at the happy faces in the crowds, all of it. had me in awe. For a moment, it even had me in tears.  Now don't go thinking that I am the type of guy that cries at weddings because I am not an easy crier. But tonight I had my heart on my sleeve.

For so many years, I was closed off to the idea that I could marry and so, I closed myself off to the whole concept that I was allowed to love someone else. But today, I have renewed faith that I can love and be loved and our love is not shameful or blasphemic in the eyes of God. Because God is Love.

How dare she...

She actually uttered the words, "and when I die, YOU will care for my child!"
My response was, "isn't that the reason why you choose godparents?!"

I know that I will bear the burden of caring for her child but don't explicitly ask me to do it.

Where do I begin... to tell this story?

The start is always a good place to start but it gives you too many unnecessary details that bias your judgement. Sometimes, the details that we already know help to construct the story we need to tell without having to go ALL the way back to the beginning. See, all those details no longer apply.

When I think of the times I have been in love, I realize that I have always given too much of myself. But you see, that's what you do when you're in love, right? You give all that you can and then some.

Can you give soo much that you become empty? or does it continuously replenish so that you can continue to give and give? I think of it like oxygen, in order for breathable air to be available, other particles must do their work in order to have air. Otherwise, all that there would be left, is exhaust.

I hope that analogy made some kind of sense to some of you.

I Still...

breathe for you.

6 months later...

I intended to maintain this blog much longer than I did. I thought, "I'm such a good story teller, people should be able to read snippets of my 'exhuberant' life." Of course that never happened. Fibs!

But I did intend to share pieces of my life. Sadly, pieces were taken from me and I had nothing left to give. 

But this isn't a pity story about things that may or may not have happened, or things that were or weren't said. It's just a reality of my perception based on the actions that took place. 

Over the last 6 months, many scenarios played out and as it should be expected, some of those scenarios brought serious consequences. 

In my best Beyonce voice, "I haven't been feeling like myself since the baby!."  Yes, there is a baby involved now. Never my own, but like my own skin. You see, this baby is my sister's and based on her circumstances, I may need to assume responsibility for the baby's well being.  That scenario will need to play out, first. 

Subsequently, I have been gainfully employed over the same amount of time, which truly explains why I have been absent (at least on here). 

I guess I am happy. "I guess", being the imperative word. I am at the point where I don't even want my number. I don't want anything that holds me back. I don't want to be a responsible adult. I don't want any of it. I am sick and tired. Mostly sick. Mostly tired. Like it doesn't even make sense to me. The reality is that I feel stifled. Like, where did we fall off? like, when did I become this person!?!

In Absentia...

It has been a while since my last post and many things have happened in my life. Some good and some not so good.

Over the Christmas holiday, he came back with a vengeance asking for my hand in marriage. The proposal was rather unorthodox, not a fabled love story by any means. I am rather simple to please and do not require much. However, there are certain things that I will require. I require commitment and conviction. You do not have to be right so long as you believe it with every part of your being.

He called me on Christmas Eve and said, "I just called to ask you one thing. Will you marry me?"

My response was not ideal. I retorted, "Do you have a ring?" his response, "No." I continued on to say other things like, "how was your day? What are your plans for xmas? How did you spent your birthday?

The truth is, had he said, "Yes, I have a ring for you." My response would have been automatic and emphatically, "Yes!” But you see, his lack of commitment in getting a ring prior to asking made me believe that he was not serious about "US," and if he couldn't commit then why should I?

Now, it has been several weeks since that unfortunate day that I received a marriage proposal over the phone. We have gone out a couple of times, too. He, in fact, did change. He no longer drinks or smokes. Over the last outing, he bought me three drinks and I felt like such a lush since I was the only one drinking alcoholic beverages. Ironically, I do not need to drink to have a good time, but since he kept buying, I kept drinking. I felt utter disappointment in myself by continuing to drink in front of him. However, he took advantage of this opportunity by asking me direct questions about us. As they say, drunks and small children will tell you no lies. I told him everything that was weighing on my chest about our situation and I said this with his feelings in mind. I delivered the blows gently (or so I thought). After our night out, he took me to dinner/breakfast; at this point, my drunkenness got the better of me and started to sabotage our evening by making wry comments about what I want. Of course, he could not provide these things. Even more reasons why I knew that I was messing up.

Despite the circumstances, I am sure now that I do not want a relationship. Not with him, nor anyone else. I do not believe that I am physically or emotionally ready to take on a relationship. I must work out some critical issues before giving into a relationship. Recently, I went out with my longtime friend and she confirmed this thought.

I simply hope that I can work my issues out before it becomes too late.

Te Extraño

A veces me levanto extrañándote; deseando verte una vez más, añorándote, pidiéndole a Dios tenerte a mi lado una vez más.

Pero habrás encontrado hogar en brazos ajenos? Alguien te hará acobijado del frio de la soledad? Ellos no entenderán de que tu todavía serás mío.  Y a mi lado nunca tendrás frio. Cariños y caricias, cualquiera podrá darte. Pero amor como el nuestro, siempre fue un arte. Y aunque no estés a mi lado, y en mi no deseaste ese calor que solo yo te pude dar. Por mi, siempre serás mi amor.

Aunque nunca te ame, aunque nunca te di parte de mi. Yo te pude amar como nadie lo ha hecho hasta hoy. Al fin, me rechazaste por ser quien soy. No podrás dejarme ir. Porque sabes que nuestra historia no se ha terminado. Pero está bien. Te irás y regresaras, por querer estar a mi lado. Sabes lo que valgo. Muy dentro de ti, sabes muy bien y sigues aquí. Aunque hoy soy yo el que te rechaze.

Haunted by my past.

He appears as quickly as he vanished from my life, nearly four years ago. I still remember the actions that eventually caused me walk away. You see, we met under circumstances that were not ideal but whether it was intoxication or the whirlwind of newness that brought him into my life, the point is that he would become my boyfriend.

The relationship was lived rather shortly. In that time, he drank too much and I did not have the patience to be tied down. Unbeknownst to him, I was having a fling with a person who did not take me serious, but I would have given it all for him.

It happens to me all the time. When I find someone I can see myself with, I go and meet someone else who distracts me.

I called this man my boyfriend, but to him I was property. Short of having a GPS embedded in my skin, he needed to know where I was at all times. Personally, he says that he was intuitive and felt that someone else was winning me over. While I never confirmed it, he was right.

In the words of Jewel, “the heart can hallucinate when it is starved for love.” Four years later, he would come back into my life, asking to rekindle what was once a fire.

I just do not know how to let him back in. I have built walls so thick that no one would consider breaking through and now this man is asking for a piece of my heart and I just don’t know how to undo all of this work.

I said that I would be willing to get to know this version of him. The man I knew him to be was dark and hurt, and fragile. I too was damaged goods. I have changed from the person I used to be. He claims to have done the same. Now, he is asking me to get to know him all over again.

I just feel like I cannot allow myself to be invested this time around because I do not want to feel like I have become desperate for a relationship. I feel the emptiness and in my mind, I think that he is trying to exploit that in me. However, I will allow myself to get to know him and I will reintroduce myself to him. It always felt like our story was never complete. And while I do not expect to have a happy ending, I do expect to end this chapter.