Friendship Rings

This weekend, while working at my side job, a long time work friend approached me.

See, we have been working together for what seems like the longest time, nearly seven years. He and I have always had this off-the-wall relationship. We constantly flirt with each other. However, for various reasons, I have never taken him seriously with any of the things that he says to me. And so, because of this, we have gone through our phases of heated sexual-chemistry to cold nonchalant interactions.  

He makes public declarations to other work associates about how he is attracted to me. Further, he tells my boss all the time how he wants me to go over to his place of residence or how he wants to have a better relationship with me. 

I never know how to reply to these declarations because he never vocalizes these declarations to me in private. The reality is that the only declarations he tells me privately are how he wants to engage in a sexual relationship with me. I feel as though, because we work together, I would never engage in just a sexual relationship. I can only imagine how people at work will publicly criticize my character for allowing this to be made public.

So as we sit there, diagonally, across from each other. (I wear a ring on my right hand, with small diamonds encircling the ring, it's less than 1ct.) He sees my ring, shining in the light of the overhead lamp and says to me, "when am I going to get a ring just like yours?" as I looked up to his bright blue eyes, perplexed, I asked, "excuse me?!"

He again says to me that he wants a ring similar to mine. As I calculate my reaction, I simply smile and say that I could never give him a ring like mine because people often confuse it for a wedding band.

He says, "it's okay, we'll just tell people that it is a friendship ring."

Now, it has never occurred to me to have friendship rings with someone other than my best friends. It's really a hard concept for me to grasp; so as I sit there across from this man, I begin to think of how a ring will change the dynamic of our pseudo-relationship. Is this something that I could be prepared for?

Further, my heart tells me that his requests for a ring does not tell me of his true feelings for me. His request for a ring from me, is a materialistic requests for me to buy him something of worth. Which is why I hesitate. I smiled, and simplistically say...."maybe, when we're official."

He Called...

He is nowhere near. In fact, he's 7052 miles away from me, on the other side of the world.

But he called me. Late for me, too early for him. but he left a voice mail message saying how much he missed me. This is why it is that I want to run to his arms every single time I see him. But my better judgement prohibits from reaching out to him. Strange Love.

So sick of this game. tired of the premise. no one ever wins.

I can't deny that I miss him most when he calls me and tells me that I am his.

But sadly, our story is one that cannot persist, at least not in this life time.

It reminds me of the scene from Memoirs of a Geisha, when Sayuri and the Chairman meet at the end and she says to him, "Can't you see? Every step I have taken, since I was that child on the bridge, has been to bring myself closer to you."

Well this is exactly how I feel when he is near.

Why does he have a hold on me?

I hate that I love you so...

Two years ago, I fell in love... he was charming and ideal. "Who wouldn't want him?" I thought!

I remember it like it was just yesterday. I was standing by the bar, nursing my drink... he approached me and called me by name. Surprised, I replied, "Yes, that's me. Who are you?" he introduced himself to me and said, "we have a mutual friend in common and I saw your Facebook profile." Embarrassed he said, "I wasn't stalking you, but I cannot forget your face." 

We exchanged numbers that night and contacted each other periodically. We always made plans to see each other... and how I enjoyed it when I saw him. While we were still strangers, we quickly learned that we had a lot in common. I loved when he complimented me and I enjoyed his embraces. 

We spent a great deal of time together. I was ready to elevate whatever it was that we were developing to the next level. 

Try to imagine my heartache when I saw him embracing someone else. Instantly, my heart cracked and shattered like glass. I saw him in the reflection of the mirror in front of me. He must have felt my eyes piercing his soul. he looked in the mirror to see my reflection there. I quickly wiped away silent tears. He approached me and asked if I was okay. Hastily, I composed myself, and said that all was well... He whispers in my ear, I am sorry if I hurt you....but I love him and I wish to see where this goes. 

Very dignified, I said, "I wish you the best... and hope that you find that which you are searching for."

That night, I deleted him from my Facebook, and from my life. 

I avoided contact with him... even though his friends have reached out to me. They see me in familiar places and approach me, to tell me all about him... 

It has been one year, and I miss him so... He still haunts my memories.