Friendship Rings

This weekend, while working at my side job, a long time work friend approached me.

See, we have been working together for what seems like the longest time, nearly seven years. He and I have always had this off-the-wall relationship. We constantly flirt with each other. However, for various reasons, I have never taken him seriously with any of the things that he says to me. And so, because of this, we have gone through our phases of heated sexual-chemistry to cold nonchalant interactions.  

He makes public declarations to other work associates about how he is attracted to me. Further, he tells my boss all the time how he wants me to go over to his place of residence or how he wants to have a better relationship with me. 

I never know how to reply to these declarations because he never vocalizes these declarations to me in private. The reality is that the only declarations he tells me privately are how he wants to engage in a sexual relationship with me. I feel as though, because we work together, I would never engage in just a sexual relationship. I can only imagine how people at work will publicly criticize my character for allowing this to be made public.

So as we sit there, diagonally, across from each other. (I wear a ring on my right hand, with small diamonds encircling the ring, it's less than 1ct.) He sees my ring, shining in the light of the overhead lamp and says to me, "when am I going to get a ring just like yours?" as I looked up to his bright blue eyes, perplexed, I asked, "excuse me?!"

He again says to me that he wants a ring similar to mine. As I calculate my reaction, I simply smile and say that I could never give him a ring like mine because people often confuse it for a wedding band.

He says, "it's okay, we'll just tell people that it is a friendship ring."

Now, it has never occurred to me to have friendship rings with someone other than my best friends. It's really a hard concept for me to grasp; so as I sit there across from this man, I begin to think of how a ring will change the dynamic of our pseudo-relationship. Is this something that I could be prepared for?

Further, my heart tells me that his requests for a ring does not tell me of his true feelings for me. His request for a ring from me, is a materialistic requests for me to buy him something of worth. Which is why I hesitate. I smiled, and simplistically say...."maybe, when we're official."

I'm not a scrooge, I swear!

Today is the 27th of December, and the main holiday "Christmas" is over and done with. While I secretly love the holidays, it becomes harder to actually voice my excitement for Christmas. 

The one thing about the holidays that I absolutely abhor is that people overlook the real meaning of Christmas. It is a time for rejoicing over our blessings and being thankful for sharing the company of loved ones. It is about charity and good will toward men (yes, like strangers and stuff). This often gets overshadowed by greed. I don't understand that logic behind spending massive amounts of time at the mall and purchasing gifts for people who are simply going to return these gifts for something better. I grew up believing that there was a purpose behind each gift. The thought behind the gift is what matters. However, I have personally witnessed persons calculate how many gifts to return to get something else or even request gift cards. See, this to me is what is wrong with the whole Christmas season. I know several retail store clerks who physically dread the after Christmas returns and issuing store credit. Again, This is why I abhor the holidays. No one ever thinks of the good deeds we must do for those less fortunate. 

During these times, I tend to simply not celebrate it. When hearing people complain about the holidays. I mention other religions as options to explore. I mean, really! there are a number of religious organizations that do not celebrate Christmas. For one, I refuse to buy presents for ingrates and rather start giving out boxes of coal. I think people need to start getting a reality check. 

Don't get me wrong. I am not a scrooge. I wholeheartedly believe in the sentiment of the holiday season. When my loved ones have time to spare, I share in their company. I like to treat my friends individually for a dinner date or quality time. Again, if they so choose to spend the time with me. I am a single male with a relatively small family. 90% of my friends are partnered up or have huge families who absorb their time. I understand when these friends simply can't make it. 

I am looking forward when my loved ones stop being ingrates and simply celebrate the Christmas holiday with good will and charity in their hearts. Only then, I can rekindle the flame of the holidays in my heart. 

Misery loves Company

Misery loves company. Yes, we know this. 

He recently reached out to me, asking for my home address. Says he wants to send a traditional Christmas card. I haven't responded to him yet. Don't believe that I will. 

A running theme with me is "strange love." He was the strangest love that I have known. 

Although, I can't begin to quantify my love for him. I must admit that I cared a great deal for his well-being. Surely, that must mean something!? 

The story of Us was short. He tried feeding me his insecurities. I refused. I have always  considered myself to be a complete person, never looking for my "other half." I want another complete person, so that we can accompany each other on this journey. Like myself, he was greatly flawed but it seemed as thou we complemented each other. 

it was when he yelled at me that I could no longer take it. accusing me of faltering, when I never did. in retrospect, it was his insecurities that warped his perception. He saw a reality that was not complete. 

That night was when I said my goodbye forever. 

But he persisted. Coming in and out of my life over the last few years. 

Thinking I could befriend an ex-lover. I was wrong.

I have never been one to befriend a lover. I don't get that concept. If I don't want to be with you romantically, what makes anyone think that we can be friends? I obviously don't like a certain part of you to want to spend time with you otherwise. 

For whatever reason, my exes want to continue to be friends. again, I don't get it.  <hairflip>

He Called...

He is nowhere near. In fact, he's 7052 miles away from me, on the other side of the world.

But he called me. Late for me, too early for him. but he left a voice mail message saying how much he missed me. This is why it is that I want to run to his arms every single time I see him. But my better judgement prohibits from reaching out to him. Strange Love.

So sick of this game. tired of the premise. no one ever wins.

I can't deny that I miss him most when he calls me and tells me that I am his.

But sadly, our story is one that cannot persist, at least not in this life time.

It reminds me of the scene from Memoirs of a Geisha, when Sayuri and the Chairman meet at the end and she says to him, "Can't you see? Every step I have taken, since I was that child on the bridge, has been to bring myself closer to you."

Well this is exactly how I feel when he is near.

Why does he have a hold on me?

Love and I

Sometimes I think of my love life and begin to think that Love and I have not been the greatest of friends.

In the words of this song, "I want to love again."

It is interesting to me, how I am successful in other aspects of my life, yet this is the only one where I have shortcomings. And so I keep it moving, what else am I to do?

I am sure that I am not the only one out there who feels this way.